Metal Gear Solid 3 : Cake Eater
by Marvellous G
Summary: FINALLY FINISHED! August 24th, 1964 : A lone soldier swoops in out of the blue. His codename is Naked Cake. Oh dear... Rated T just to be safe, and anonymous reviews can now be submitted.
1. Chapter 1 : Feelin' the Burn!

Marvellous G: Hello, and welcome my fanfic. Be warned, this chapter is more of a prologue than anything else, so please don't judge the whole fic on this. Okay, please enjoy!

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**Metal Gear Solid 3 : Cake Eater**

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**Chapter One : Feelin' the Burn!**

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A plane flew silently (unless you were within a mile of it, in which case it was deafening) across the dark night sky, scattered with stars. In the plane were five people. Two were in the hangar, and three were in the cockpit. One of the men in the hangar was sitting on the bench at the side of the room, smoking a cigar and looking incredibly cool. Suddenly he turned to the other man and blurted out, his eyes bulging,

"After the end of World War II, the world was split into two - East and West. This marked the beginning of the era called the Cold War."

The other man looked round at the first.

"You know, you really should stop smoking if it makes you say junk like that."

"But the cigar's nice to me!" the first man said.

"What-_ever_…" the second responded, before putting his hands on his hips and turning away. Suddenly a stereotypical British voiced resounded around the cabin. Loudly.

"Shut up you two! This is not a drill! Feel the burn! LOVE THE BURN!" Yes, this was the (in)famous Major Nought. He had a habit of, well, getting into his role of Major a little.

"Now, YOU, Jack, will be HALO-jumping out of this plane in five minutes time, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

'Jack' nodded, forgetting that you can't actually hear a nod.

"I SAID DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

"Jeez, Major, I was nodding! Are you blind or something, ya' British freak…"

"DON'T YOU MUMBLE STEREOTYPICAL INSULTS TO THE BRITISH UNDER YOUR BREATH! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" The second man in the hangar turned round to look up at the speaker.

"Doesn't he ever, like, shut _up?_"

"No, he, 'like', doesn't…" Jack responded.

"Are you, like, mimicking me?" the second man asked. Remember this guy is, like, a _man, _girlfriend.

"Yes, I am, 'like', mimicking you." Jack responded quietly, sounding bored by the entire affair.

"Like, omigosh!" said the second man, before taking out a pink mobile phone decorated with sequins. He quickly punched in a number, and said,

"Trisha? This guy Jack was, like, totally rude to me! No, I don't like him… I am not blushing! How could you even see if I was? Oh- BYE!"

He put the mobile back in his pocket, and turned round to face Jack again.

"Well, do you, like, like me?" the man asked.

"Well, two things. One : the mobile phone hasn't actually been invented yet, so that's like a 'time paradox' or summat. Two : Is everybody on this plane flippin' crazy? The Major's in love with 'feeling the burn', and you're gay! What is up with the Fox Unit? Is the job requirement being a freak or something!"

The second man looked at Jack, and then turned away. He had the look of someone who was trying not to cry.

"Look, I'm sorry-" Jack started, before being cut off by the second guy.

"Just- just jump…" He looked down, and tried to concentrate on his own feet.

"Well, okay…" jack said as the hatch in the floor opened.

"Now, Jack, remember this is a great honor, and you're on a par with Alan Shepherd in the, well, 'honored' stakes. Oh, wait… I say that in Operation Snake Eater… Okay, remember what I just said and think of it in about a week from now. But for now, JUMP!"

"Gladly," Jack muttered, and hurled himself out of the plane with no safety gear, while still smoking his cigar.

"I'm so badass I can HALO-jump without a parachu- oh, dammit…"


	2. Chapter 2 : L4nD1ng Sk1llz0R

Marvellous G: Hello, and into the fic proper! Enjoy…

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**Chapter Two : Landing sk1llz0r**

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As Jack cursed and yelled as he struggled to figure out what the hell to do, he didn't realize yet more yelling in his ear. Major Nought was at it again;

"C'mon Jack, OPEN THE DAMN PARACHUTE! YOU DA MAN! EMBRACE THE BURN!"

"Not helping…" Jack heard another, female voice say in the background. It then came into the foreground, and seemed no to notice his current predicament.

"Hey, Jack, I'm Chute-Docter. I'll be saving the mission data and babbling to myself about old films. It's good to meet you, Jack. Jack? JACK! Oh, wait, you're not dead yet…"

"The hell?" Jack yelled against the wind.

"Never mind. You'll get it when-

"_If_," Major Nought corrected her. She sighed and started again.

"You'll get it if you die. Which I now realize you won't."

"Die?" Jack asked hopefully.

"No, get it if you're dead. Because, well, you'll be dead."

"Great. Thanks."

"That's okay," Chute-Doctor responded happily, before signing off.

"Jeez…" Jack did, yet again, feel bored. Then he remembered the 'parachute problem'. He racked his extra-large size brain for an idea. For a very long time. A very long time… But then, suddenly, a lightbulb appeared above his head and everything was okay again, because JACK HAD AN IDEA! Ahem… By the time the lightbulb had gone, our hero was about fifty feet above the ground, and, if he had a parachute, should have opened it minutes ago. But our man had a plan, and began to put it into inevitably disastrous action…

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_Meanwhile, in Jack's brain…_

A man with the words 'Brain Director' emblazoned onto his chest began to speak.

"So, for the good of the readers, let's go through this one more time…" He sat down at a featureless table in a featureless room, and looked to a man with the words 'Reader Helper' on his chest. RH took in a deep breath, and began to talk in a high-pitched voice.

"Well, sir, Jack is going to drop his cigar onto the floor mere milliseconds before impact and attempt to spring off of it and into a tree, before climbing down to the ground, and to safety." BD stared for a few seconds, before roaring at RH, spittle flying out of his mouth.

"THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS PLAN I'VE EVER HEARD! HOW THE HELL IS JACK GONNA SLIDE DOWN THAT TREE WITHOUT GETTING TREE BURN!"

"I personally though the bit with the cigar was pretty unbeliev-"

"DON'T YOU ANSWER BACK, HELPER!" BD looked around at the 'Ideas' room, and yelled,

"WE NEED A NEW PLAN, AND FAST!" At that moment, a man with 'Brain Control' written on his chest walked in out of the 'Jack's Eyes' room.

"Sir, we've got no time! Jack's gonna land any second now!"

BD's face remained as it was for a few seconds, before sinking to face the table sadly.

"Why are _my_ team so dense…" he murmered, before standing up and re-commencing his roaring.

"BRACE YOURSELVES! INTO CRASH SAFETY POSITIONS!" Everyone obeyed, and then everything went black as Jack's plan began it's lonely descent into failure…

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As Jack dropped his cigar and jumped onto it, it miraculously withstood the pressure of a fully-grown human male. He sprung into a tree, grabbing a branch whilst miraculously not breaking his arms, and slid onto the shrubby ground, whilst not-so-miraculously avoiding 'tree burn'. As Jack turned round dramatically to face a non-existent camera, his face broke into a dopy grin, and he jumped into the air, cheering.

"Yay me!"


	3. Chapter 3 : Well Meaning Mission

Marvellous G: Chapter Three's here... Enjoy!

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**Chapter Three : Well-Meaning Mission**

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After the entire radio team had gotten over their shock at Jack's survival, they were promptly back to all of their turning random dials on their BIG computer. Major Nought shook his head, and yelled into the microphone, still blinking,

"Nice work, Jack! But now do it again, and shave a few seconds off of your time!"

"But I wasn't timing myself..." Jack said slowly, choosing the diplomatic response out of the two options he had in his head.

"GOOD GOD! DO IT TWICE AGAIN!" Nought roared.

"Get stuffed," Jack said quickly, and began to go and get his bag, which had somehow got caught in a tree he hadn't actually passed on his way down.

'_Was I even wearing a bag?_ 'Jack mused as he trudged between and underneath mossy logs, with the bark scraped off in some places by the evil Ape Escape primates.

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Jack's jumping up to try and reach his bag (which was hanging tantalisingly on the edge of a branch) was interrupted by a radio call from, who else, Major Nought.

"I'm willing to forget how you spoke to me before, Jack," the major said quietly, but also dangerously.

"So, let's get that bag of yours down. Press the action button-"

"What the hell?" Jack asked, disturbed by the Major's reference to the as-yet uninvented Dualshock controller.

"I mean, errrm, climb up the side of that tree! Yeah, let's go with that... What was I talking about, I mean, 'Action button!' It's positively crazy! Hah, haaaaaa..." Jack stood where he was, a look of complete confusion on his face. _He _shook his head this time, and began climbing up the tree, whilst, ironically, the player controlling him _did_ press the Action button.

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Jack grabbed his bag whilst flipping over the branch, spinning and generally just showing off to nobody in particular. Jerk. When he reached the mossy ground again, he crouched down on one knee and stuck his finger into his ear. He then screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Jack was relatively new to this whole 'radio' thing, and had stuck his ear in a little too far. As he pulled it out, it brushed across his lower intestine and right brain. Jack promptly passed out.

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He woke up a few minutes later to the sound of Chute-Doctor calling his name, loudly.

"Jack. Jack? JACK! JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" she cried. Jack sat up and spoke back to her.

"I _still _don't get why you do that," he commented angrily.

"That's great, Jack! You're alive!" Jack heard the sound of feet running over the floor, and then heard voices in the background.

"Major Nought, Jack's alive!" Our hero then heard the sound of a newspaper being shut and somebody standing up.

"I thought I could have just _one minute's _peace, but _no._" The Major's unmistakable voice sounded strange, like he was eating something.

"And stop eating all of the Digestives!" Chute-Doctor hissed. Jack couldn't see it, but Nought made a 'W' sign with his hands, and mouthed 'whatever' at the young woman. As he strode back to the microphone, Jack stood up and surveyed his surroundigs. He saw a green frog sitting in a nearby tree, and walked up to it. It grinned at him, mockingly.

"Laugh at me, you sonnova..." Jack muttered, and punched the little critter right in the face. It made a squeaking noise and rocked back and forth. Jack, shocked at his opponent's resistance to pain, continued to puch the Kerotan until his right arm was exhausted. He then did the same with his left, but still the froggy stood. Defeated, Jack squatted down on the floor and started actually listening to his Major's briefing.

"So, Jack, your codename for this mission will be Naked Cake," the Major was saying.

"Uh, why?"

"Well, because you've got no equipment on you except all of those guns and camouflage sets in your backpack. You're naked, Jack like a ghost."

"And the Cake bit?"

"I like cakes. Happy?" Nought asked patronisingly. Jack, who we'll now refer to as Cake, was just opening his mouth to form the word 'no' when the Major continued.

"As for your support team, you've already met Chute-Doctor." There was a burst of static, and CD cut in, and squawked,

"Peace inj, peace out!" before the Major resumed the briefing.

"Yes, you know her... And I think you'll be very pleased to see our combat specialist... I'll put her on..." There was more static, but then Cake heard a very familiar voice.

"Hey Jack, d'ya remember me?" came the softly spoken question.

"L- L33t..." Cake choked. His old mentor, T3h L33t, hadn't seen him for ages.

"How long has it been, Jack?" she asked coolly.

"I'm not so sad I count the time between us!" Cake scoffed.

"No really, how long?" T3h L33t asked seriously.

"Damn..." Cake cursed under his breath, before telling her. "It's been two years, four months, eleven days, three hours and one, two, three, four-"

"Stop counting the seconds!" t3h L33t shouted, before being her voice down to its' previous decibel level. "Sorry..."

"S'Okay", Cake said quietly, hurt. There was more static, and the Major's overly-loud voice could be heard again.

"T3h L33t will give you information on combat techniques, such as RCF." 'Really Close Fighting!' Cake thought, grinning at his memories of he and T3h L33t perfecting it together.

"This mission will be called the Virtuous Mission," the Major said, interrupting our hero's reminiscence.

"What does _that _mean?" Cake asked, yet again confused by the whole ordeal.

"It means, basically, well-meaning mission," Chute-Doctor cut in rudely.

"Then I'll call it that!" Cake declared happily, and before any of his support team had any time to respond, he was standing up, the silenced Mk22 tranquilizer pistol from his bag in his hands, and a serious look on his face.

"Commencing Well-Meaning Mission... Now..."


	4. Chapter 4 : Unlikely Situations, Vol 1

Marvellous G: First of all, I'd just like to say thanks to Technobabble and Pika132 for the nice reviews. Cheers, dudes!So, hopefully I'll be able to thank more people for reviewing soon. Oh, and one more thing : enjoy the chapter!

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**Chapter Four: Unlikely Situations, Volume One**

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Cake walked silently through the shubbery, his pistol pointed at anybody who would dare challenge him. Suddenly, a voice came from the receiver in his ear, and, thinking it was a guard, Cake screamed and dropped his gun. He then held up his hands to signify his surrender (and stupidity) and slowly spun around to see that nobody was there. Puzzled, Cake noticed the voice that he had heard was coming from his ear.

"Hell-oooo?" he crooned.

"Jack, try to remember some of the basics of RCF," t3h L33t ordered him. There was another burst of static, and Major Nought cut in.

"Uh, t3h L33t, could you call Jack Cake for this mission?" he asked politely.

"What kind of a stupid codename is _Cake?_ Cripes, I thought t3h L33t was bad! But I suppose, Cake's not as bad as t3h Ph34r..."

"Who?" Cake asked.

"Oh, he's one of Boa Unit."

"The who?"

"They're this group of dudes that I befriended, and we did missions during the War and stuff. You'll like 'em. Although, they may try to kill you."

"Why the hell would they kill me? They're on your side!" Cake exclaimed.

"Well, when you're wearing camo like _that_ I almost want to kill you."

"Hey that's not ni-_wait a minute._ How can you see what I'm wearing?" cake enquired, a sly grin creeping onto his face.

"Errm... Well..." t3h L33t stuttered, struggling for an answer that could not later be used to link her with an enormous nuclear explosion and the kidnapping of some Russian scientist dude.

"Well, it's not like she's spying on you in those cliffs, Cake!" Major Nought scoffed.

"Yeah, I'm... Where did I tell you I was again, Major?" t3h L33t asked quiclky.

"Well, everybody's acting very strangely today..." the Major mused, stroking his chin. "Oh well. Nthing _too _suspicious in the last paragraph, except that Marvellous G guy's voice booming down from the heavens and talking about reviews. So I'll tell you. You told me that you were on a boat, correct?" Nought asked t3h L33t.

"Cor-RECT!" t3h L33t said, wiping a bead of nervous sweat off of her forehead.

"Ah-HAH!" Nought screamed, smiling evilly. "_You _told _me_ that you were on a submarine. I was just testing you! Oh, and you failed." T3h L33t thought quickly, and said the first, and coincidentally the stupidest, thought that came into her pretty blonde head.

"Ah-HAH!" she yelled, mimicking the Major. Major Nought looked taken aback at this. Cake looked bored by the last few conversations.

"_I_ was testing _you!_ And you passed Major!"

"Wha-" the Major began, before being cut off by t3h L33t's suck-upping-ness.

"It's standard procedure, Major, but you passed with _flying colours_." She smiled smarmily, althought the Major couldn't see her.

"Oh, well..." the Major said, smiling devilishly. "Why... _thank you._"

"Can you both shut up now?" Cake asked impatiently. "I've got a mission to complete, here."

"Well, you didn't have to listen to us," Nought replied defensively.

"Well, I couldn't sneak past generic guards if you two were flirting in my ear, could I?"

"Fine..." Nought said quietly.

"FINE!" Cake yelled, and stormed out of Dremuchij South, picking up his foolishly dropped pistol on the way.

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Snake arrived in an area with a never-ending Pit O' Doom™ that was made of evil mud o' doom. The evil mud has not been trademarked by EA yet, but there are plans for it to be in Fall 2008. Moving swiftly on, Cake espied three alligators. He then espied three grenades on the floor. His face broke into an evil grin, and he walked over to the grenades…

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A few minutes later, Cake had successfully caused three 'gators to implode using grenades, or, as the Russkies call them, 'LIMONKA!'.

He then crossed the mud by _rolling on top of it?_ And crossed into the next area: Dremuchij North. As soon as he entered here, he got a call on his radio from t3h L33t.

"Cake, try different combinations of camouflage to either:

Make yourself look really pretty, or:

Make yourself almost invisible to the enemy. What'll it be?"

"I pick A!" Cake responded with disturbingly little contemplation.

"No, you flippin' don't!" t3h L33t yelled.

"Okay, Ma'am..." Cake said sadly, and changed into a Zebra Stripe uniform, which was white and balck on the dark green and brown surroundings. Idiot. He then looked on his wrist at the Camo-Efficiency Meter™ (EA had already got their hands on this one). It read:

'-274 percent camouflage efficiency. You're really dumb!' The scary thing was, the machine told Cake all of this in a woman's unnervingly cheery tone. A _really_ unnerving tone. No, seriously, this is Exorcist creepy. Anyhoo, Cake trotted into the open areas of Dremuchij North, thinking himself invisible. He walked confidently in front of a guard, who saw him immediately and radioed in for support.

"Dumb-ass EA product!" Cake yelled, cursing whilst the machine happily chirped,

"He's over here, Russian guard-men!"

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Marvellous G: Well, that's it for chapter four! I hope you enjoyed it, and don't forget to read and review! Ciao!


	5. Chapter 5 : Of Fools and Jelly Beans

Marvellous G: Another chapter up... Enjoy!

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**Chapter Five: Of Fools and Jelly Beans**

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Cake peered out from underneath his cunning hiding place : a log. He looked to up at the sky to see an enormous floating bar with rapidly decreasing numbers on it. It said 'Evasion' over the numbers, and the letters were a lovely shade of orange. A-hem. Under normal circumstances, Cake would have called either Major Nought or t3h L33t to ask what the hell was going on (he'd probably go for the latter, as the Major was a crazy old freakazoid). But, as he was hiding under a log waiting for a magical bar to count down to zero, whilst resembling a man-zebra, he decided that this was not the best time for foolish enquiries. He crawled out from under the log a few centimetres to check if the coast was clear, and glanced at the Camo-Efficiency Meter™, and his face twisted in horror as he realized the machine was about to insult him in a frighteningly happy voice. He shuddered briefly, before smashing the watch-like object on the ground. But, alas, EA made all of their creations indestructible even back in 1964, and Cake became overcome with fear and started stabbing the buttons in a vain attempt to stop the damn thing from giving him away for a second time. Luckily for Cake, however, one of the many buttons he pressed was the 'mute' button, which cut the machine off at mid-sentence : " You call yourself an age-."

He then realized he wasn't exactly _that_ well camouflaged, so humbled and decided to change into the slightly more appropriate Tiger Stripe uniform. He glanced at the silent machine on his wrist and it read :

'78.5 percent camouflage efficiency,' and thankfully this time there were no disturbing asides from the evil cheery-woman. He looked up at the magical countdown-bar, which was now gone. Cake reckoned this meant he was safe (the fool) and crawled out of the remote safety of his nice, warm hiding place.

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As our hero hid behind trees, vaulted over bushed and swung around branches in his effort to reach- hang on a minute. Cake didn't actually have any idea what his objective was, thanks to t3h L33t's flirting. He called the Major (although not without the 'finger in ear' problem occurring again), and demanded a rought idea of what to do.

"I demand a rough idea of what to do!" Cake declared.

"Keep following the surprisingly linear jungle paths, and you'll come to a ruined building," Nought informed him.

"There's a Russian scientist called Molotov being kept there."

"What, like the cocktail?" Cake sniggered, unable to keep his immature sense of humour withheld.

"Yes, like the cocktail..." Nought responded wearily. Cake burst out laughing, but quickly regained his composure.

"Okay, why do we want him so badly?"

"Well, we handed him over to the KGB to end the Cuban Missile Crisis, and... Well, now we want 'im back," Nought declared simply.

"Why would the Russkies want a guy _that_ badly?" Cake asked worriedly.

"That's what we're afraid of... He used to be a rocket scientist, and we've received intel that states he is developing a terrible weapon that somehow incorporates rocket technology."

"What the _hell_ could it be?"

"Why don't you go and find out?" the Major asked, sounding bored.

"Okay. Cake over and out," Cake said, yanking his finger painfully out of his ear. He then stopped and stood where he was.

'_That's the first serious conversation I've heard all mission...'_ he thought happily. With this tought spurring him on, he skipped towards the exit of Dremuchij North, RCF-throwing a guard on the way.

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Cake came out in an area with a long bridge over the river Kwai. Now, wait, that's not right... He came out in an area with a long bridge over a river far, far below. He looked to his left and saw a signpost saying : 'Dolinovodno welcomes safe walkers.' He then looked to his right, and saw lots of angry Russians with machine guns that didn't look in any way welcoming. Cake then tripped, and slid down a steep slope headfirst, his brief journey ending at a guard's foot.

"Hmm?" the guard mumbled. "What was that?" He peered down to investigate the large man on his leg, before dismissing it as "that whiskey I had at lunch." Cake was amazed at this guard's ineptitude, but took it in his stride and walked right in front of the same guy and on to the bridge. The process repeated itself, only this time the guard stepped forwards and looked 'carefully' around before leaning back against the tree. Cake crossed the bridge with no major problems, aside from falling off, yet managing to hang on, fourty-eight and five eighths times. He picked up an AK-47 he found on the floor on the way, and discovered it was loaded with jelly beans. Cake being Cake, he fired them all into his mouth using burst fire before trudging into the area with Molotov : Rassvet.

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Marvellous G: Well, Chapter Five is down. I hope you enjoyed it, and don't forget to review! Ciao!


	6. Chapter 6 : Cocktails and Cat Men

Marvellous G: C'mon guys, keep reviewing : I know you're reading, I can check! So, don't be shy! Give us a review next time you're in Fanfiction!

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**Chapter Six: Cocktails and Cat Men**

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Cake sprinted, gun in hand, towards a brick wall and safety from the guards' admittedly limited field of vision. It worked. With his back against the wall, Cake peered around the corner and zoomed in on a guard's head with his binoculars.He then crouched down on one knee, jammed his finger in his ear, but, as he was getting the hang of pain and stupidity now, he did not scream. He dialled Major Nought's frequency : 140.85, and screamed,

"They've got guns, Major! I'm scared!" as soon as he heard his commander's breathing on the other end of the line.

"Don't worry, Cake. Our priority is to get Molotov out alive, _not you._ So you don't need to worry about safety, just get Molotov out of there unharmed." Cake sweat dropped (as seen in all Japanese anime), before getting up and retorting,

"Screw you! I'm not gonna take a bullet for that crazy boffin!" At this, the Major jumped excitedly.

"Oh, could you, please Cake? I'll get paid double if no shots get near Molotov!"

"Nuh-uh, Noughty. I'm gonna take these guards down with, Cake moved into an impressive looking combat stance. "R-C-F!" he roared, and charged into Rassvet and punched the guy he had seen with the binoculars in the face.

"You know," the Major said conversationally to t3h L33t over the radio, "I'm starting to think that 'RCF' of yours is just a fancy way of saying drunken fighting. He's not doing anything I haven't seen in a pub yet."

"Oh YEAH?" t3h L33t yelled competitively, before twisting the Major's arm backwards using SOUNDWAVES!

"Wow, you really are t3h L33t..." Major stated, rubbing his right forearm.

"I know," t3h L33t replied modestly. During this brief and mildly entertaining exchange, Cake had managed to fight his way to Molotov's door by using an amazing combination of fluke, luck and poorly-aimed punches. He knocked on the door, and was rewarded with a wimper for his trouble. Cake rolled his eyes, and shoulderbarged the door open...

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"DON'T MOVE!" Molotov roared in his high pitched voice, not quite achieving the 'I'm so cool' effect he was aiming for. He was poised to chuck a Molotov cocktail at Cake's head, but accidentally dropped it, causing the room to set on fire.

"You IDIOT!" Cake yelled, before rushing over to the flames and throwing his Zebra Stripe camo on top of them. He then turned round to face Molotov, furiously.

"Why the hell were you gonna' toast me?" Cake roared, accidentally firing off a shot from his Mk22 right past Molotov's head. The big M whimpered and buried his head in his hands.

"Okay, I'm gonna' ask once more before I blow your brains out!" Cake said calmly.

"But, that's a tranq pistol!" Molotov said shakily. "You can't kill me with that!" At this, Cake lost it.

"SHUT UP, YOU GEEK FREAK! I'M ON YOUR SIDE! NOW, TELL ME! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DEVELOPING?" Molotov passed out.

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When he came to, Cake's tranq was replaced with one of the guard's AKs, this one with (omigosh) _actual bullets. _Molotov was about to pass out again, but Cake grabbed him by the neck and hoisted him up against the wall.

"What are you developing?" Cake asked through gritted teeth, his AK pointed at the scientist's temple.

"Okay, I confess! It's an evil nuclear tank thingy that can fire missiles without friendly support. Oh, wait, that's Metal Gear… My evil nuclear tank thingy can fire intermediate-range ballistic missile that it can propel to intercontinental ranges," he recited, before being dropped to the floor by Cake.

"Cool!" Cake chirped happily, before frowning slightly. "But, and no offence here, Molo, that _is_ slightly naff. Not worth pulling out of Cuba for, nuh-uh."

"NOT TRUE!" Molotov screamed. "Do you even understand how powerful this tank is?"

"No," Cake responded honestly.

"Damn, me neither… I was hoping you would. I think the Colonel fancies it or something, what with him being bisexual."

"Colonel who?" cake asked curiously.

"Colonel Molting," Molotov said ominously, his eyes forming evil slits.

"He can fire lasers from his eyes, and he's the leader of the GRU."

Cake looked serious for a moment, before clutching his stomach and laughing loudly.

"_Lasers_ from his_ eyes_! Are you sure you heard him right? You realise, he might be lying."

"Nope, he fired them at me."

"Ha, you got PWND!" Cake chuckled.

"Huh?" Molotov asked wearily.

"Ah, nothin', it's L33tSP34k," Cake responded secretively. "So…" he pivoted on his right foot to lean down and face Molotov. "Let's get to bustin' you out of here." Molotov thought about the option, and decided he may as well. He hoisted himself up, and opened the door.

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Cake walked through in front, his AK now replaced by his Mk22. They snuck out of the door, where all of the guards whom Cake had knocked out earlier were nowhere to be seen.

"Spooky," Cake chirped joyfully, and ignorantly. They carried on walking, and when they reached the clearing they were surrounded by twenty Russkie guards.

"FREEZE!" they all shouted in unison, deafening each other and their captives temporarily. Molotov wisely took this opportunity to flee back to Dolinovodno.

"We'll get him later, don't worry," one guard said, his hands over his ears and his AK between his knees as he struggled to block out the horrible racket of the air moving. At that moment, a shot rang out, and a few seconds later, one of the KGB guards fell over dead, his hands still over his lifeless ears. This happened nineteen more times, until everyone that was anyone was dead, in a position that would puzzle detectives for decades to come. A short, blonde man then stepped into the evil ring of death and chaos, and slotted a revolver into a holster after doing some show-off spins with it.

"I could do that!" Cake shouted indignantly, and attempted to do the same with his Mk22. His finger got caught under the trigger, and he accidentally shot himself with a tranquilizer dart. He got up and shook it off, although his vision was spinning. He stared at the blonde dude in front of him, who laughed at him patronizingly.

"Kid, I'm older than you. You can't laugh patronizingly at somebody who's older than you."

"Well, I can!" the man said in Russian. He hen realized Cake's puzzled expression, and began to speak in English with an American accent. "I'm Major Cat-Man. I'm he head of the Cat-Man Unit, the most l33t3st group of Slapspaz." He looked at Cake with a serious expression, but then his face lightened, and he waved cheerily. "Hi!" he said happily. Cake waved back, greeting his new bud in the same way as he greeted every new friend: "'Sup!" Cat-Man then put on his 'serious' expression again and spoke sadly.

"Now, as much as I like you, dude, I'm gonna have to kill you, as it's clear you're not t3h L33t. I mean, you shot yourself. So: here goes."

He then raised his head to face the heavens, opened his mouth wide and said:

"MEW!" Now, that 'mew' may sound sissy, but it doesn't have that effect when it summons lots of Cat-Men with machine guns, all of which are pointed at your face. But, that's what happened, and Cake was the unlucky guy. His words of bravery and wisdom in this situation:

"No fair!"

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Marvellous G: Well, that's chapter six! I hope you enjoyed it, and if you did (or didn't) review and tell me so! I've only got two reviews at the time of writing, and I'd like some more please. So, if you have an opinion on this story, please review and tell me! Peace out! \m/\m/ Rocker dude says hi!


	7. Chapter 7 : Of Bridges and Boredom

Just to let my faithful readers know, I won't be able to update for about a week, because of-well... exams... And also I just got Guitar Hero which is occupying lots of my free time

**ROCK ON!**

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**Chapter Seven: Of Bridges and Boredom**

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Cake eyeballed every single soldier, seeing the wimps and the macho men that he would avoid. He ran through his ultra-tactics in his head one final time, and then leapt at one of his 'wimps'. But he'd miscalculated his leap, and landed on top of a macho man, who clocked our here right around the jaw. Cake finally decided to actually use RCF, as this guy had really peed him off. He charged towards Macho Man 1, and grabbed his rifle, twisting his arm in the process. He smacked MM1 in the face with the AK's butt, before shooting five other guards in the legs. He was now left with three machos, so he unholstered his Mk22 and tranqued(sp?) two machos with darts to the head. He was now left with the biggest guy, with his M16 carbine leading the charge against Cake's wellbeing. At this, the worst possible of all moments, Major Nought decided to call Cake and give him some friendly advice.

"Cake, press Circle and hold the left analogu stick in any direction to execute a RCF throw!"

"ENOUGH WITH THE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL STUFF!" Cake yelled, and the guard stopped in his tracks, thinking Cake was shouting at him. The guard looked confused, and asked,

"But, I'm not breaking the fourth wall... Or _am I?_" this thought fascinated him, and he ran off excitedly in search of freedom, beauty, truth and love. Ahem. This left Cake and Cat-Man alone. They stared at each other for a few seconds, before Cat-Man broke the awkward silence with an even more awkward comment.

"I love you," he told Cake, who was caught off guard and stopped his staring to tthink about what Cat-Man had just said.

"Ah-**HA!**" Cat-man yelled, and jumped at Cake, had first. But, Cake was pacing around pondering Cat-Man's statement, and walked out of the way of Cat-Man's sneaky attack by accident. Cat-Man crashed into the brick wall head first, and was knocked out cold instantly. At the same moment, Cake had agreed with himself about his response to Cat-Man's searching and character-defining statement. He turned round, blushing, and said,

"I think I love you t-" as he realized Cat-Man was lying upside down by a wall behind him, Cake coughed and hurried out of Rassvet back into Dolinovodno.

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He found Molotov there, staring at the hills in the distance. When Cake looked harder, he realized that there was a large object, firing projectiles into the air, on the same hill that ol' Molly was looking at.

"That's it. Ступающая Гибель," he declared sadly. "My super weapon." Cake looked taken aback at the name, and Molotov could tell by his expression.

"It means 'Stepping Doom' in Russian. I think it will strike fear into people's hearts and junk."

"I say confusion, mate, not fear," Cake chortled, before spinning around to face the bridge. "Well, let's get going," he said happily. Molotov reluctantly agreed, and followed behind Cake, who had now for some reason gone into 'Pointing His Gun Into The Distance' stance. Terrific. But then, all of a sudden, out of the mist came a familiar figure.

"T3h L33t?" Cake asked, once again confused. T3h L33t was carrying two big boxes, one in each hand, and she dropped the first one. The impact sent the whole bridge shaking. Molotov fell over, and Cake slipped and almost fell off the side. After pulling himself up again, he looked cross.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he growled. T3h L33t sighed sadly, and spoke the following words as if they were the obituary of a friend.

"Molotov comes- Molotov comes with me…" She sighed again, before an enormous man in a Colonel's uniform strode up behind her.

"Molting…" Cake heard Molotov gasp dramatically. As he stared at the evil pair in front of him, he heard the distinctive sound of helicopter rotor blades in the distance, coming closer every second. A few minutes later, with everyone on the bridge sighing and looking at their watches, the helicopter finally arrived. A man surrounded in bees hung upside down, and levitated down towards Molotov, before picking him up and lifting him into the chopper.

"CAKE!" Molotov cried, but Cake just looked bored again.

"Okay, let's get this fight over with…" he sighed, and faced t3h L33t, RCF stance at the ready.

"Wait!" Colonel Molting said hurriedly. He spoke with a surprisingly kind and gentle voice, for a hulk of a man who could fire laser beams out of his eyes. "I am Colonel Molting. Hi," he waved pleasantly at Cake, who was now squatting down on the bridge fiddling with his boot laces. Our hero waved back distractedly, and the Colonel looked offended. He huffed, and turned to face t3h L33t. "He has seen my face. He must now die. I'll do it!" Molting cackled evilly, and ripped off his sunglasses, ready to shoot Cake with white-hot plasma laser thingies.

"No, wait, I'll do it. He's my apprentice," T3h L33t said in a monotone, her eyes drooping. She, like Cake, was just bored by this, as they had both read the script and thought this conversation was unnecessary. She stepped up to fight Cake, who held one finger up whilst looking at his boots, as if to say 'Just a minute!' After a few minutes of waiting for Cake to tie his laces, t3h L33t lost her patience and just shoved Cake off of the side of the bridge.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Cake screamed, before plunging into the river with a delicious 'plop'.

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Marvellous G: Well, that's the last chapter for a while. Savor t3h g00dn3ss. That means enjoy it, basically. See you in a while, and note that non-members of Fanfiction can now review. So, please do so! Ciao!


	8. Chapter 8 : Flour Bombin!

Hey, an update! Woo-hoo! Just one day of those darn exams left... Wish me luck! Oh yeah, and enjoy the chapter!

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**Chapter Eight: Flour Bombin'!**

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Cake coughed and spluttered as he tried to swim to the seemingly distant shoreline. I say seemingly as Cake's vision was going a bit funny after being knocked into a river from a considerably enormous height, and the shoreline was closer than he thought... Which he realsied as his head smacked into the mossy rock that was the Dolinovodno shore. He scrambled onto the grass, and lay down. But, just as he was closing his eyes to get a few (try forty) winks, he was called by Major Nought. Oh, great. Just what he needed.

"ZOMG CAKE! Are you okay!" the Major yelled irritatingly loudly.

"No, I'm freakin' well not!" Cake yelled slightly less annoyingly loudly back.

"Oooh, I can help!" Chute-Doctor butt in, elbowing Major Nought out of the way. "Okay, first, go into the cure menu, and-"

"What is it with all this 'breaking the fourth wall' ballderdash? I mean, I'm gonna give up and go along with it from now, but, jeez..." Cake looked put out, confused, and puzzlingly, not in any pain.

"Well, you're gonna have to fix up those wounds!" CD chirped.

"What wounds?" Cake asked.

"THESE ONES!" CD yelled, before reaching through Cake's earpiece and dislocating his arm.

"DAMMIT! What the HELL did'ya do that for!" Cake screamed, _now_ in agony.

"So you'll shut up and listen!" CD roared. Cake stayed quiet after that.

"Okay, go into the cure menu and select the wound you want to heal. Then button-bash until you hear a neat sound effect!111oneone!" CD chirped chav-ishly.

"Errrm, okaaaay..." Cake said slowly, and bent his arm back to it's original position, whilst screaming loudly.

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The chopper's rotor blades swirled around noisily, as Colonel Molting looked lovingly at the woman sharing the helicopter with him and the lads. Cat-Man saw and slapped the big guy.

"Stop staring like that, you perv!" he yelled. Colonel Molting looked shocked, but then just reverted back to staring. The woman walked away eventually, but the Colonel didn't seem to notice/care. Suddenly, he turned around and picked up the boxes T3h L33t had given him. He opened them up to be greeted by a flour bomb and a flour bomb launcher (FBL). He grinned, and began doing his evil-laugh o' doom. Cat-Man id, yet again, cotton onto the Colonel's 'evil' plans, and turned at him furiously.

"You can't fire at them!" he said, gesturing at Rassvet. "They're our allies!" The Colonel just laughed louder at this, and turned to face the building, FBL in evil hand.

"This is war, Major. Remember the Alamo!" Then he roared, and fired the flour-bomb.

"What the hell? The Alamo's nothing to do with- OH DAMN!" It took Cat-Man a while to realsie that the bomb had been fired, but when he did he gave up, and punched the side of the helicopter frustratedly.

"Owwww..." he said glumly. "That hurt my fist..."

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Cake had bandaged his arm up thanks to the wonder of the cure-menu, and was staring open-mouthed at the sky. He thought he was communicating with T3h L33t, and was holding his hand up and pictured her doing the same. But it turned out the chopper he was hand-signaling to actually had Johnny Sasaki at the side, who was, as ever, peeing. Over the side of a helicopter. That man… Anyway, just as Cake was finished, there was an enormous noise, and Cake saw an enormous cloud of flour heading towards him. But, Cake being Cake, he opened his mouth and took full advantage of the fact that flour was edible. So, he was out of that little scrape, again thanks to his strange (to say the least) appetite. He was just congratulating himself, when he saw a parachute slowly floating down from a jet miles up towards him.

'_That'll be my dramatic escape then…_' Cake thought, and began clumsily ascending the rope, up to his exit…

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Marvellous G: Well, a short chap. But I hope that it was also sweet. Please review as usual, constructive criticism welcomed. But also, praise is nice… Next… Operation Cake Eater!


	9. Chapter 9 : Operation Cake Eater

Marvellous G: Well, exams are over, so expect to see more regular updates. And also, I still haven't had many reviews (but thanks to those who have!) so if you read my story and had summat to say about it : tell me! In a review, of course... Moving swiftly on, it's Chapter Nine-time, and Operation Cake Eater is beginning... And, as I keep forgetting to do a disclaimer, here's one I made earlier and finally remembered exisited...

**Disclaimer :** I don't own the Metal Gear series, characters or any other stuff that I could get sued for. Happy? Okay then, on with the chap!

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**Chapter Nine: Operation Cake Eater!**

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**_One week later..._ **

The plane flew deftly through the night sky, cutting a noisy gash into the silence. The gay man from chapter one spoke through an intercom.

"We're currently, like, over the Atlantic Ocean. And –omigosh!- we're all GO! for drone detachment, as there are, like, no gusts! Okay, bye then..." After the man's voice faded slightly lamely, Major Nought barked into his microphone.

"Cake, we can't HALO jump this time for various plot-hole reasons. So, you're being dropped from a height in a small tin can. I call it the 'Drone'. Oh, and remember what I said in the Well-Meaning Mission? The Alan Shepard junk? Yeah, well play that over in your head now." The Major paused for a second, before continuing his many-decibel speech.

"This is our last chance to get Molotov back. If you fail, we'll both be killed. Me by the government, you by me. You got that?" Cake, in his can, scowled at where he guessed the Major was and gave him the finger, before calmly stating,

"You realise that I could tear all of your limbs off before you knew I was behind you, and then rip your spine out of your butt. You do know that, don't you?" After the pause before the Major's response, Cake knew his intimidation work was done.

"Yes, well... For the sake of the reader, should we both think back to this Mission's briefing?"

"Well, fine..." Cake said begrudgingly.

_**Magical flashbacky swirl...**_

The Major strolled into the room, where Cake was lying on the bed.

"So, how does it feel to be in a hospital with hot nurses?" he asked the exhausted agent.

"Well... It feels good," Cake admitted.

"So, I hear you're annoyed about the Papparazzi spying on you?" the Major inquired.

"Yeah, they think I'm an accomplice in T3h L33t's defection."

"Well, they need a scapegoat 'n' stuff."

"What about you?"

"I gave them my cousin's details. Anyway, we've decided that Molotov is important enough to us to add on a main section of a videogame's worth of a mission for you."

"Kewl. So, what's the dealie?" Cake chavved.

"Well, this morning, the White House got an unexpected call."

"From who?"

"From President Moped."

"It seems that all important Russian guys have names that are the same as certain products..." Cake mused.

"Well, don't dwell on that too much," the Major said dangerously. "The call said..."

_**Random image swirly thingy...**_

**RING-RING. RING-RING.**

"President Johnson speakin'."

"Ah-ha! It is me, President Moped, the head of the Soviet Union, calling you, President Johnson of the U.S, to give an explanation for a videogame's events! MWU-HA-HA!"

"Oh, hey Mopey. How's it hangin'?"

"It seems that a few days ago a random building in our territory was blown up by a flour bomb."

"And?"

"Well, it was AMERICAN! MWU-HA-HA!"

"Ooooh dear..."

"And on the same day we got a signal on our radar from an American aircraft. Sound familiar?"

"Well, yep, as I've played Metal Gear Solid 3 before. It's really good."

"Oh, yeah! Me too! Who's your favourite boss?"

"Oh, well I quite like The Fury, because it's creepy when he's chasin' you all around his fiery labyrinth."

"Really? Well, I liked The End, because- Hey... Don't change the subject!"

"Dang it..."

"So, I've set my forces on secondary alert. Depending on your response, I could unleash Armageddon. MWU-HA-HA!"

"Ummm, okay? But, wait a second! One of our soldiers defected to your side on the same day. T3h L33t!"

"GASP! Not, _T3h L33t?_"

"Yepper!"

"Oh..."

"And, also, the guy who bullied her into it is called Colonel Molting. Y'know 'im?"

"MORE GASP! He's that evil guy in the extremist faction! ZOMGZOR!"

"And T3h L33t is the one who agve him the flour bombs, okay? _Not us._"

"But, but, but... Our facility was completely wiped out!"

"So, I don't care!"

"Well, if you're gonna be like that, then I'm gonna make you do something _really _hard."

"Like what?"

"Well, ummm... Oh! I've got it! You need to hunt down T3h L33t and the other flour bomb yourselves. Ha! Oh yeah, and kill Colonel Molting, too."

"What was that last bit?"

"Nothing, just subliminal messaging. _Kill Molting._"

"Huh?"

"Jeez, nothing! Okay then, bye! Oh! And you have only one week. Ciao!"

**CLICK.**

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Cake giggled.

"I like that conversation."

"Great..." Nought said tiredly. "So, let's go a week forward again..."

_**Magic swirls o' future-seeing...**_

"So, yeah... Do all of that. This mission will be called 'Operation Cake Eater."

"I don't wanna eat myself!" Cake yelled.

"Too bad," the Major said simply, and turned off his radio. Cake grumbled insults, and pressed the 'LAUNCH' button on the tin can's 'control panel'. It slid off into the blue, before hitting the forest floor with a loud crash. Operation Cake Eater had begun...

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Marvellous G: So... Did you like this chap? I had fun writing it, so tell me how it was with a review! Ciao until next time!


	10. Chapter 10 : Lookit the Horsie!

Yes, it's Marvellous G again, to save the DAAAAAAAAAAY! Or just write chapter ten of my fic... Thanks to all those who reviewed! I hope you enjoy this chapter too...

Disclaimer : I DON'T own Metal Gear. Although I'd like to... grumbles

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**Chapter Ten : Lookit the Horsie!**

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**THUD-CRUNCH-RUMBLE.**

That was the noise the tin can made as it landed on the Russian soil, once again in Dremuchij South. Cake crawled out from under the shoddily-built rocket thingy, and stuck his finger in his ear again. He had got the hang of it now, and so didn't scream. Much.

"Major Nought, I've landed!" our hero squealed excitedly.

"That's terrific, Cake," the Major said in a monotone. "And I'd like you to meet another member of your team, Mister Blecle." There was a burst of static, and Cake was met with a loud voice.

"Wotcha Cake, I'm Blecle!" Cake looked puzzled again, and asked the question on everybody's lips.

"What does 'Blecle' mean?" The response was immediate, and sounded like it had been well-rehearsed.

"It means Bleep Cleverness. It's the latest in parody technology."

"Cool. So, why the hell are you here, again? Remind me."

"Well, I'll give you advice on weapons 'n' stuff, and I can make up explanations for unbelievable things, like flying platforms in 1964."

"Great. Well, with that I'll be off. Let's roll!" Cake barked, and rolled down the steep slope. He sprinted throught the jungle, tripping over a log and going into the cure menu several times on the way, but made it to wherever he had got it into his head he needed to go. Which turned out to be a clearing, with a frighteningly white horse.

"Awwww..." Cake cooed sadly. "Your owner covered you in bleach!" He was busy stroking the horse when he heard a footstep behind him. Not two, just one. He turned round to see... T3h L33t!

"Gasp!" Cake gasped, before pointing his M1911A1 pistol at her. He was never actually going to shoot, but she didn't have to know that. But, sadly for Cake, she did.

"Rarghzor!" T3h L33t yelled, and charged at Cake, her RCF stance remaining firm even when she was in motion. Cake didn't bother shooting, as he knew that would ruin an elaborate plot taht was undoubtedly unfolding right in front of him. He went into his RCF defensive stance, but was never very good at taht bit of his lessons. T3h L33t grabbed his gun, and gave it to the horse (who happened to belong to her). The animal chhomped happily and inexplicably on the hard metal, before burping like you see in all of those cheap animations on T.V.

"That's your horse?" Cake asked, apparently oblivious to the pain his nerves were telling his brain to feel. T3h L33t nodded solemnly.

"YOU BLEACHER!" Cake yelled, and chucked his knife at the woman. It missed, and hit the horse on the leg.

"Whoops..." Cake said quietly. The horse neighed happily at the immense pain.

"You should get that horse checked up," Cake informed his former mentor. "It's _weird..._" he shuddered slightly, before his nerve cells reached his aadmittedly small brain. "YEEEE-OWWWWWWWWWW!" he screamed. T3h L33t sighed sadly at her former disciples stupidity, and began firing her machine gun at Cake's tin can. It blew up, spewing bright red flames into the clear night sky.

"You really should run now," she informed the squatting man, who shook his head defiantly, his arms wrapped around his knees like an eight year old. "Well, fine. But loads of guards will come, and then you'll be in trouble..." At this, cake's eyes widened in terror. "Uh-huh," T3h L33t continued, sensing she was onto a winning persuasive method. "It's only a quick hundred-mile run to the border from here. You could make it in, ooh... A week or so?" She laughed evilly at this, before clambering onto her horse. "So, good luck." She galloped off, and deliberately made her evil horse step on Cake's hand. He yelped, but managed to contain his pain. T3h L33t was almost out of sight, before she turned her horse around and glared at Cake.

"Oh yeah, and I almost forgot... The next time we meet, I'll kill you." They stared at each other for a few seconds, before T3h L33t broke the awkward silence. "So, have fun!" She said cheerily, and rode off into the night.

"What the hell?" Cake muttered to himself, before making way for the writer's closing statements...

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So, another chap down. I had to rush, as I'm going somewhere in a second, but I hope it was enjoyable all the same. Ciao until next time! And, please review! Okay, bye…


	11. Chapter 11 : Eva Kaneeva

Well, it's time for drumroll chapter eleven! And, please, review! I hope you enjoy this one, as I've just played through this bit of the actual game again and thought up a lot of ideas. It _should _ be longer than my regular mini-chaps, so here goes... takes deep breath

**Disclaimer :** Oh my God. I just learned that I don't own Metal Gear. Shame, that...

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**Chapter Eleven : Eva Kaneeva!**

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Cake anticipated the imminent radio call after a major plot event, and so was at the ready to respond as soon as he heard that familiar static. His vocal chords poised for action, he waited. And waited. Aaaaaaand waited… And got bored of waiting. And called the Major…

"Hey Major, why aren't you calling me?" he asked angrily. He was met with hysterical laughter, which brought the all-too-familiar look of incomprehension of anything onto his face. The Major took deep breaths between screams of laughter, and managed to squeeze out the words,

"You got _owned, _Cake!" between bursts of hysterics. Cake opened his mouth to respond, before sighing defeatedly and sitting down. He waited for the Major to stop laughing, and, when ol' Noughty eventually did, Cake went into full on rant-mode.

"Y'know, I really don't enjoy others laughing at my pain. But, I'm in pain right now, and you're laughing. So, that adds up to one of my many dislikes. And I resent that. Also, from the point of view of a bystander, it _really_ wasn't that funny." He frowned seriously at nobody in particular, and waited for his words to sink in. He thought the Major was about to have another laughing fit, but he breathed a sigh of relief when his commander started talking normally again.

"Okay. Sorry, Cake, that was immature. I forgot to actually brief you on this mission, so I thought, 'Hey, why not do it now?'" Cake sighed exasperatedly at this, but the Major ignored him and continued.

"As your primary objectives are to eliminate T3h L33t and find the other flour bomb, you should mainly concentrate on those. But we also want Molotov back, and Molting dead. So, to start you off on your epic quest etc, etc, we've found you an informant. Ain't that great!"

"No."

"I think so too!" The Major continued, oblivious to Cake's negativity. "You remember the NSA defectors from a while ago?"

"No."

"Good. Well, one of those, specifically Adam, has agreed to co-operate. When you meet him, the password is,

'Who are the Patriots?' with the answer, 'I don't effing know.' You got that?"

"Yeah, but who _are_ the Patriots?"

"Well, I don't effing know!"

"But-"

"So, we're good on that, then? Okay, great! Bye, Cake!"

"But-" **CLICK.** The radio went dead, and Cake was left confused again.

"Oh well. I'll just go to Rassvet again. I like it there." He remembered the lovely sun, the friendly machine-gun toting Cat-Men, the irritating scientist… Cake sighed happily, and skipped through the jungle towards his chosen destination.

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When he finally reached the old building, he gave in to his pride and called the Major, asking what the hell to do.

"Uhhhhh, Major?"

"Yes, Cake?" Came the civil, yet patronising response.

"Ummm, where do I go?"

"Well, I dunno... Try that room, that Molotov was in."

"You know, Major, you're a really great help. If I ever have a cloned son, I want his commander to be someone just like you."

"Why, thank you, Cake," the Major said, feeling quite elated inside to receive his first ever compliment.

"I was being sarcastic, you A-hole!" Cake yelled unkindly, and signed off, cackling. Meanwhile, the Major burst into tears.

'So, time to find this Adam guy...' Cake thought to himself, and actually took the Major's advice. He opened the door of Molotv's former residence, to find... Nothing. He stepped out again, but heard something that hadn't been present before. It sounded like... A motorbike engine? Cake decided to investigate, and saw what he had heard : a motorbike, it's headlights bathing him in bright light.

"Cut the engine. They'll hear us," Cake ordered gruffly.

"Nuh-uh. I need it as an alternative way of getting you to trust me."

"Huh?" Cake grunted stupidly.

"Never mind," the person (who sounded like a woman) said quickly.

"Okay, then," Cake said huffily. "Well, it's password time! Who are the Patriots?"

"The who? I don't effing know!" the woman yelled. Cake's eyes widened in shock.

"Wow, you got it. I guess you really _are_ Adam!" he chirped happily. The woman, although Cake couldn't see it, started slightly at being told she was correct, before quickly regaining her composure.

"Uh, yeah, I guess I am! Jee, that was easy..." she murmered.

"What was that?" Cake asked, leaning his head forward to listen more closely.

"Ohhhh, I said... I said 'Ugh, I feel queasy', I think..."

"Ohhhh... Should I give you some random plant that turns into medicine when I shoot it?"

"Ha! Yeah right!" 'Adam' scoffed.

"No, really!" Cake said earnestly, and proved it to her, by shooting some moss nearby. It turned into a circular packet with a nice **BOING! **Sound effect.

"That's some creepy gun you've got there..." the woman said, slightly creeped out. But, alas, it was then that Cake realised the author's mistake, and pointed at Marvellous G's hovering head, yelling,

"Hey, wait! I don't have a gun anymore! T3h L33t's horse ate it!" Marvellous G's face faltered, and it coughed before muttering quickly,

"Errrmm, no she didn't... I've got a dentist appointment now, bye!" it flew off into the darkness, not to be seen again until the closing statements.

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The two humans looked puzzledly at each other for a second, before the woman (no, not Cake) pointed frantically behind our hero, and screamed,

"Get down!" Russian guards had surrounded the two while they were talking to the author, and they had both been too stupid to notice this up until now. The woman fired several shots off from her gun (it's a Mauser Type somefink, mate!) at the Russkies, dispatching them all with deadly accuracy. Blood spattered everywhere, and before Cake had even crashed face-first into the ground the people he was 'getting down' from were all dead. So he was surprised to not hear gunfire while he was examining the soil from a magnified view. After he finally figured it out, he got up, and dusted himself down. The woman got off of her bike, and the two strode towards each other. She took off her helmet, to reveal that, yes, she was a woman. 'A hot one, too!' Cake thought gleefully to himself, before realising that 'Adam' was a name normally reserved for the sex beginning with 'm'. So, a boy's name, then.

"I thought Adam was a man," he said, speaking in his most 'macho' voice.

"Adam couldn't make it. I'm Eva Kaneeva, but you can just call me Eva," Eva Kaneeva said smoothly, before unzipping her jacket to reveal a black bra and, well, two other... Things...

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Well, I hope you enjoyed that chap. The next one is my first 'Parody Boss Battle', so I hope you can finally have something to look forward to, regarding this story. Please review with your thoughts, criticisms and, hopefully, praise! Until then, ciao!


	12. Chapter 12 : Cake VS The Cat Men

Marvellous G : Well, I'm updatin' again, and I hope you enjoy the ultimate in battles between good and evil : my intelligence versus Microsoft Word's spellchecker. Hmm... It won... But anyway, I hope you enjoy this chap. And please review, 'cause I've got tons of hits, yet not as many reviews. And to Rachel A, I probably will actually use that line. Kudos to you! And thanks to all my other reviewers!

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**Chapter Twelve : Cake VS The Cat-Man Unit**

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After a night of staring at Eva (or, more specifically, Eva's body parts...), Cake felt happy as he was just about to drift off into sleepy land. But, there was another interruption to come from his surprisingly attractive informant.

"Hey, Cake, think fast!" she yelled, and chucked a package at our hero. Cake thought relatively fast for somebody who was more than half asleep. Although, t'was not fast enough. The package hit him right in the face, the pistol inside bruising his chin.

"Ye-owch! Dammit, what was that for?" Cake asked sorely, rubbing his chin.

"You didn't think fast enough, did you?" Eva leered nastily. Cake grumbled under his breath, saying things unprintable in a T-rated fanfic.

"Anyway," Eva continued purposefully. "In that bag is a scientist disguise so you can sneak into a random lab. It's called Geeky Dorky, and Molotov should be in there."

"How apt a name for a place full of geeks and dorks..." Cake mused.

"This is true..." Eva agreed. "But we must digress, as I sense a Boss Battle is approaching. There's an M1911A1 pistol in there, complete with ineffective silencer, and I think there's some sweets and crisps too."

"Awe-SOME!" Cake yelled, and dived into the bag face-first. Eva looked on in disgust, but turned away quickly and walked out of the room. Unbeknownst to Cake, she was preparing a radio, but that is all I shall tell as of now so as to make you suspicious of our hero's attractive friend's motives... When she came back in, she saw Cake scraping at the rubber of his new pistol's handle with a knife.

"Uhhh... What the hell are you doing?" She asked bluntly. Cake looked up for a second, before looking back at the gun again and continuing with his odd work.

"In some battle situations, a knife is more useful than a knife," he began, before being interrupted by Eva.

"Does not!" She scoffed.

"Does too!" Cake retorted.

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"Does not!"

"Does- AARRGHH! It _does,_ okay, can you just listen?" Cake asked exasperatedly.

"Fine..." Eva muttered bitterly, before Cake began talking again.

"So, doing this to my gun somehow enables me to switch between a gun and a knife quicker than I normally would be able to."

"How?" Eva asked.

"I dunno, T3h L33t told me to do this in Really-Close-Fighting lessons."

"Umm... Great?" Eva grinned unsurely. A few minutes later, Cake fell asleep, his work for the night done. Eva sighed, and slumped to the floor, looking bored again.

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Cake woke up with a start, and looked at his uninvented watch.

"Ahhh... Rolex, I love you!" he cried gleefully, and began kissing the unnesseccarily flashy watch. At that moment, Eva walked in, a look of urgency, strangely crossed with boredom, spreading across her face.

"I'm bored by this whole thing, but I'm also worried!" she declared hurriedly.

"Hmmm?" Cake asked dopily, rising from his beloved watch.

"The Cat-Man Unit are here, Major Cat-Man himself with them!"

"GASP!"

"And what's more, there are _loads_ of them out there!"

"MORE GASP!"

"So, we need to defeat them and escape."

"That's right!" Cake agreed bravely.

"And I need to get away before Cat-Man recognises me," Eva said happily.

"Right again!" Cake grinned dumbly.

"So, you can do it all on your own, right?" Eva asked hopefully.

"Right! Wait, NO!" Our hero wailed. "How many are there?"

"Oooh... I dunno..." Eva peeked out of the window to check. "About eight?"

"Oh, that's okay then. I thought this bit was on Extreme difficulty." He sighed, relieved at his discovery.

"Oh, damn! There would be, like, _ten of them_ in Extreme! No, I wouldn't expect you to do that," Eva said, shocked. And also (more disturbingly), not being sarcastic.

"So, seeing as we've got that cleared up, you should be going," Cake sighed.

"Right!" This time it was Eva's turn to agree mindlessly. "Help me lift this bed out of the way, there's a trap door underneath."

"No! I'm fighting the Cat-Men, you can do that!" Cake scoffed indignantly.

"Fine..." Eva sighed, and shoved the bed noisily across the floor to reveal, yes, a trapdoor. The two clambered in, and Eva gave Cake a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Don't go dying on me now," she said softly, before crawling off to God-knows where. Cake looked puzzled at her sudden dissappearance, but recovered quickly and looked throught the small grate in the wall. There _were_ ten of them, he _was_ playing on extreme.

"That lying..." He grumbled, before shooting two of the Cat-Men in the knees with his Mk22 tranq pistol. They grunted stupidly, and leaned down to inspect the dart in their knees, before tripping over themselves and falling over. Just as they had pulled themselves up, thetranquiliser dart took effect, and they fell to the ground again.

"Heh-heh... Idiots..." Cake grinned, and activated his Sonar. The long fight had begun...

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Cake heard the Cat-Men break down the door with a shotgun blast above him. He heard the stun grenade go off, but then he didn't hear anything for a few seconds as the actual 'stunning' took effect. On his ears. But then he heard them searching the room, and leaving the room and searching the room again a few seconds later. But the point of this is, he _didn't_ hear the Cat-Man crawl under the building like him. And the Cat-Man didn't hear Cake, either. They both crawled backwards towards the same spot, and their movement ended with an inevitable collision that neither man had been expecting. They both screamed loudly, and flailed their arms around in the air wildly for a few seconds. But Cake was the first to recover, and he quickly fired off about ten M1911A1 shots into the man's face. Although the shots were silenced (albeit ineffectively), Cake still heard the dreaded static on the dead man's radio, followed by a dopy guard's voice saying,

"Joe, are you okay? We heard screaming, 'n' stuff…" Cake's eyes widened in terror, but then his team of Brain-Men had another idea, and he leaned over to 'Joe's' mouthpiece.

"Uhhh… I'm fine…" Cake said uneasily.

"But your voice has, like, changed…" Came the incompetent soldier's reply.

"Ummm… No it hasn't?" Cake tried.

"Oh, well that's okay then. Good luck with the Cake-hunt!" The soldier on the other end replied cheerfully.

"Uhhh… Yeah…" Cake responded, wondering how many elipses had been used in this conversation. (Just so you know, there were seven.)

"Okay, bye then…" More static, and at last silence. (Now eight.) Cake stayed in that position for a while, but eventually got bored of waiting for the beeping white dots on his sonar to figure out that he wasn't in that original room. He charged out of his hiding place (under the building) and let rip with several clips of semi-automatic M1911A1 fire, hoping to hit something or someone…

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Marvellous G : So, will Cake survive? Through some unorthodox method, I think we all know he will! I hope you enjoyed this chap, and, yet again, please review! Peace out!


	13. Chapter 13 : Queen Eater

Marvellous G: Thanks CloudRox1 and BloodFox .77 for the reviews, and to all of the other lovely reviewers of my story. Last chap's ending was a sort of semi-cliffhangar, so we'll just continue from right where we were last time. Enjoy! Oh, and about the chapter's title, this chap involves a lot of songs from a certain band...

**Disclaimer :** Damn, Estrangelo Edessa (the font) looks cool in bold... I mean ahem I don't own Metal Gear Solid or any of it's characters. Hideo Kojima and his happy band of Konami-ers do.

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**Chapter Thirteen: Queen Eater**

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Approximately fourteen percent of Cake's bullets actually hit anything, but that was one helluva lot of bullets, as our hero had (impossibly) used up about fifteen clips in about three seconds. 'Why is this impossible?', you ask. Well, two reasons. One is that the M1911A1 doesn't even hold that many bullets, and two is that even if it did it would be impossible to fire them all off and reload in that space of time. But, somehow, Cake did. But, sadly for him, all of that elite fourteen percent of the bullets hit just two of the Cat-Men, leaving Cake smiling awkwardly at seven Cat-Men. They smiled back friendlily, but the enormous machine guns they were cradling in their arms dispelled any air of niceness that they may have had. They walked up to Cake, and tied his hands up behind his back using some random string that they had found on the floor. Just as they had shoved him to the floor, and were about to shoot him in the face, Eva burst out of the foliage, riding on her trusty bike. And this is what she said…

_To be read to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody, by Queen._

"He's just a poor boy from a poor family!" Eva cried. The Cat-men whipped around, but she continued her singing until she had parked her motorbike in front of them.  
"Spare him his life from this monstrosity!" At this, Cake saw it fit to join in with the fun and games of Queen's songs.  
"Easy come easy go, will you let me go?" But, alas, the Cat-Men responded angrily and in tuneful unison.  
"Bismillah! No, we will not let you go!" Eva looked upset at this, and cried angrily at them.

"Let him go!" But…  
"Bismillah! We will not let you go!" The Cat-Men cried again. Eva responded as she had before, with,

"Let him go!"  
"Bismillah! We will not let you go!" The Cat-Men retorted again.

"Let me go!" Cake yelled.  
"Will not let you go!" The Cat-man sang defiantly, now turning to scowl at Cake. "Will not let you go!"

"Let me go!" Cake moaned.  
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" The Cat-Men sang loudly, each one of the remaining seven singing their own 'no!'.  
"Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go!" Cake shouted. At this, the Cat-men had had enough, and yelled,

"NO!" At their two persistent enemies. Eva had also had enough, and gestured for Cake to get into her motorbike. Cake did, and they began a circuit around the old abandoned warehouse, the Cat-men in pursuit. Eva saw fit to include one of her favourite songs in the peculiar events, despite the fact it hadn't actually been invented in 1964. Oh well…

"Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle! I want to ride my… Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle! I want to ride my bicycle; I want to ride my bike! I want to ride my bicycle; I want to ride it where I like!" She creamed happily. But the Cat-Men had implausibly gained on them, and were getting cocky, and began taunting our two heroes.

"Buddies, you are half-boy, make a big noise! Playin' in the street, gonna be good guys some day!" They yelled at the back of Eva's Ducati. Cake and Eva looked back at the seven Cat-men chasing and singing after them, and burst out laughing. The Cat-Men looked offended, and began singing again, only now even louder.

"You got mud on yo' face!" One shouted, kicking said substance into Eva's face.

"You big disgrace!" Another shouted at Cake, chucking a twig at him.

"Kickin' your can all over the place!" A third roared, gesturing at Eva's shoddy bike.

"Singin'…" All of them said as one. "We will, we will rock you!" They screamed tunefully, head banging and pointing in Cake and Eva's direction.

"We will we will rock you!" They did it again.

"Buddy you're a young man, hard man!" They yelled, poking Cake in the back spitefully.

"Shoutin' in the street, gonna take on the world some day!" One screamed, pointing at a picture of Colonel Molting he had conjured up.

"You got blood on yo' face!" One said, punching Cake in the nose.

"You big disgrace!" They yelled at Eva.

"Wavin' your banner all over the place!" They cried, before reforming to sing their peculiar yet fitting chorus.

"We will, we will rock you! Singin', We will, we will rock you!" They performed the now-familiar 'dancing' routine, before blasting out another many-decibel verse.

"Buddy you're an old man, poor man!" They screamed, nicking some loose change Cake happened to have in his hand, before they laughed in a most ignorant fashion at their enemy's misfortune.

"Pleadin' with your eyes, gonna make you some peace some day! You got mud on your face, you big disgrace!" They yelled. "Somebody better put you back into your place!" They belted out a final chorus, before Eva revved the engine, and the two escapees started making high-speed circles around the slow-in-comparison Cat-Men. Cake took this opportunity to belt out _his_ (and my) favourite Queen song.

"Don't stop me now!" He jeered at the pursuing Cat-Men.  
"I'm having such a good time," he grinned at Eva. "I'm having a ball!" She sang back.  
"We'll stop you now!" The Cat-men cried desperately.  
"If you wanna have a good time, just give me a call!" Cake taunted.  
"Don't stop on me now!" Eva sang nervously, eyeing the bike's alarmingly low petrol gauge.  
"'Cause I'm having a good time!" Cake sang, oblivious to the impending doom he and Eva were facing. The latter decided the time for Queen songs was nearing it's end, and pulled out of Rassvet, with Cake still singing loudly.  
"Don't stop me now! Yes I'm having a good time; I don't wanna stop at aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall!" By the time he was finished, they had stopped moving and Eva was staring at him patiently. She took a deep breath, and began another overly-long-plot-device-speech-thingy.

"I've dropped you by the Bolshya Past Crevice, where there should be Major Cat-man waiting for you."

"What was that last bit?" Cake asked dopily.

"Uhhh, I said that 'those Cat-Men'll have a lot of hate for you."

"This is true…" Cake mused, stroking his chin.

"Anyway, just walk through there and you'll be well on your way to Geeky Dorky, and the end of the chapter."

"Cool," Cake said, and hopped off of the back of the bike.

"Uh, what do you say?" Eva asked annoyingly.

"Huh?" Cake asked, using his trademark word.

"Well, I just helped you to skip loads of hard areas of _pure stealth_, and I treated you and the readers to a Queen-themed chapter!" She said indignantly.

"Ummm, thanks?" Cake said.

"Good. You are welcome, Cake," Eva said annoyingly politely, and sped off again. Cake looked through the bushes into the next area, and saw the enormous crevice.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…" He groaned, and trotted into Bolshya Past Crevice.

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I have to say, that chapter was **_immensely_** fun to write, so if you have any ideas for a bit of a sing-along chapter, please tell me (well, within reason : not too much swearing in a Teen-rated fic!). I'll (probably) be happy to oblige. Oh, and I've got over a thousand hits, yet only eleven reviews! Now, I'm not very good at maths, but I think that works out as a pretty bad chap to review ratio! Please review, constructive criticism welcomed! Other, than that… Ciao!


	14. Chapter 14 : Those Damn Hornets

Marvellous G: YAY! Summer holdiays have arrived! Although I'll be on holiday quite a lot, I should still be able to update a bit more regularly than as of late. Thanks for all of the reviews, but I need _more!_ MWU-HA-HA! Ahem, sorry... Anyways, enjoy this chap!

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**Chapter Fourteen: Those Damn Hornets…**

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Cake trudged wearily into the next area, annoyed that Eva hadn't just taken him straight to Geeky Dorky. But something he saw ahead of him made him stop and lean forwards, edging towards a better look.

"Hmmmm…" he said aloud. "I see a little sillhouetto of a man…" But he then remembered that the Queen chapter had been and gone, so he dismissed those Bohemian Rhapsody lyrics and tiptoed into the next area: Bolshya Past Crevice. But he had been right: there was a sillhouette 'o' of a man. It was Major Cat-Man's body that was being displayed as a black outline. Cake foolishly walked right up to the name-giving crevice in the area. He somehow didn't actually see it, so it came as an unpleasant surprise when he fell off of the edge, and had to hang on to avoid falling into the black pit below him.

'_I wonder what's down there…'_ Cake asked himself mentally. But that thought was quickly dismissed as some funky music started playing and loads of Cat-men gathered around the edge of the area. The Major himself strolled up towards the crevice. He leaned his head back, and laughed unpleasantly at our hero.

"Need a hand? Too bad!" the Major said un-funnily, but the remark still got some big laughs from all of the back-up Cat-Men. After five minutes of grunting, Cake managed to pull himself back up onto the ground above the crevice. He then glowered at Major Cat-Man, and struggled to think of a crowd-winning insult.

"You know, I'm sure I saw the username 'Major Cat-Man on Club Penguin before. It must have been you, but that's a kid's game. So that makes you a kid!" Cake burst out laughing at his incredible display of 'wit', but he was just met with blank, angry stares from everybody else. Major Cat-Man laughed nervously, to cover up his own embarrassment. He _loved_ Club Penguin, and would much rather be chatting with his online bud, CoolMan124, than be stuck here in this immature parody. But he mentally brushed all of those thoughts aside, and unholstered both of his SAAs, pointing them at Cake's temple.

"Hey again," he started the conversation with his target again, so as to move completely away from the whole 'Club penguin' topic. But Cake was all ready for a fight, and yelled,

"Stuff boring pre-boss-fight convos, and let's fight!" After blasting this out, he grabbed an AK-47 (with actual bullets!) out from his impossibly big backpack, and loaded in a full clip. He promptly wasted it by firing about 695739502796 bullets at the Major, of which three hit. That man. But anyway, Major Cat-Man responded in kind, and fired off six shots from one of his SAAs at Cake (all of which hit him), before diving behind cover.

"The first proper boss fight is underway!" He yelled.

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The fight was one for all of those Metal Gear n00bs out there, and consisted mainly of ducking behind conveniently-placed rocks and ever-so-occasionally firing out at our furry-named friend, Major Cat-Man. But Cake, with his disturbingly tiny attention span, found this strategy thoroughly boring, and decided on a much more gung-ho style of battle. He thought through his plan in his mind, to check that it would work (it wouldn't). After he was sure there was only a three-quarter chance that he would fail, he put his plan into inevitably pitiful action. He charged out from his snuggly, warm cover, and ran across his side of the crevice, blasting out full-auto AK fire. Our hero found that this strategy was actually fairly efficient, and adopted it for the whole fight. After a fair amount of going into the mysterious 'cure menu' to heal his wounds, Cake was on almost full health, so he looked up at the white bar in the top-left corner of the sky that represented his foe's remaining energy. It was low. But, as he was looking up at the strange bars in the sky, he ran out of ammo in his current clip. The Major was one shot away from temporary failure, and Cake didn't want to suffer another trip to the 'cure menu'. He needed to reload fast, so he called Major Nought on his radio. He loved how whenever he called someone on it, his radio stopped time, like something out of 'Bernard's Watch'

"Yes, Cake?" Came the gruff answer to the irritating beeping noise Cake's radio calling made back at HQ.

"Major, how do I reload in under a second?" Cake asked stupidly.

"Well, Cake, I hate to tell you that that isn't actually possible. In real life, at least. But this game stars someone called Cake and a ghost man, a man that is made of hornets, a guy that can dislocate his limbs and turn invisible, and a guy that can fire laser bolts out of his eyes. So I think we have a little room for making stuff up here. Hmmmm… Which buttons should we use? Okay, YOU, the player, need to double-tap the R2 button to do a 'quick reload'."

"I have no idea what the _hell _you just said, but I'll just go along with the unseen force that you refer to as the 'player'," Cake replied, clearly in a bit of a state. And so it was that Cake managed to load a whole clip into an AK-47 assault rifle in under a second, to defeat a certain Major Cat-Man.

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Cake's gloating at his victory was cut short, however. This was because an enormous mass of hornets appeared out of no-where shortly after Cake's and Major Cat-Man's battle. They attacked all of the surrounding Cat-Men, Cake and Major Cat-Man himself. Only the latter was unharmed, however, as he finally used his revolver showboating skills to do something even remotely useful. He twirled the two SAAs around on his finger at about 130 rpm, and somehow managed to smack the butts of the guns against all of the thousand hornets that had assaulted him. Well, it's more believable than the whole 'quick reload' thing, which is in turn more believable than the powers of virtually all of the Boa Unit members. Cake, on the other hand, was not so lucky. He was dangerously close to getting stung to death by those damn hornets, so he took the most unintelligent option he could think of (for parodial means, of course). He hurled himself into the crevice, and wondered how long it would be before his body smacked against the floor, and stroked his chin as he fell in the pitch-blackness.

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Marvellous G: Thanks to Digipoke for the 'quick reload' idea, but thanks to all of you reviewers, particularly CloudRox1 for all of her nice reviews. Please, all readers, review if you like this fic! Until next time, ciao!


	15. Chapter 15 : The Slight Discomfort

Marvellous G: My last updation before my holiday to Greece! So please don't worry when this fic seems dead for a while, I'm just on holiday. Please R&R as always, and enjoy the chapter.

**Disclaimer : I have NOTHING! in my life! I mean, ahem, I don't own Metal Gear.**

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**Chapter Fifteen: The Slight Discomfort**

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Miraculously, Snake survived the five-hundred meter fall to the ground. But did you think Kojima would really kill off our hero so early? No, I didn't think so. One thing that struck Cake when he landed (other than the ground) was that it was pitch black. He couldn't see anything. So, instead of looking on GameSpot for a walkthrough, Cake decided to once again contact the unhelpful Major Nought.

"Major, how the hell am I supposed to reach Geeky Dorky if I can't even see my own hands in front of my face?"

"Well, Cake," came the surprisingly quick reply. "You could either turn the brightness on the T'V up," Cake looked confused at this, to say the least. "Or you could smoke your cigar to use it as a source of light, but that would deplete your health (Author's Note Remember kids, smoking is bad and it kills!)." This left the Major confused at what to do, so he came up with the obvious idea, which was always the one he seemed to think of last.

"Why don't you just edge your way along, and use the map in the pause menu to navigate?" Cake scoffed at this option.

"What the hell is the '_pause menu'?_"

"No time for questions, Cake."

"Yeah, there is!"

"Okay, bye!" The Major said, before the all-too familiar static consumed Cake's ears and he knew his Major had, once again, left him on his own to rot / die.

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Cake eventually decided to go with the Major's first option, but he adapted it slightly so it matched his own clueless style of doing things. He took a teeny-tiny step in a random direction, but then realised that there was a biggy-wiggy step right where he had put his foot. Needless to say, he slipped down the steep slope, and fell down even further into the cave. He kept doing this, until he realised he had actually now hit the _real _bottom of the cave. He got fed up, and turned up the brightness meter that had appeared a while ago to tempt him into cheating. He then yelled into space, finally believing that he was in a videogame.

"Player, will you please print a map of this area off of IGN or something?" He yelled. Unfortunately for Cake, however, the author had got bored of playing with Cake's mind to make him believe that he was in a videogame. So when Cake finally wanted it to be true, put bluntly, it wasn't.

"GRAAGH!" Cake yelled after coming to this realization. He charged forwards, smoking his cigar, and using the map screen on the existent pause menu to navigate.

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He got quite far using this tactic, and so he continued to use it until he found a torch next to a rotting corpse. He ate the corpse, and foolishly pocketed the flaming torch. The searing pain in his side and the thought that you shouldn't really put flames in your pocket hit Cake at around the same time. He yelped out in pain, and dived into the water, right at the beginning of the cave again. Meanwhile, one of the Boa Unit, the Slight Discomfort, perched on a platform of hornets on the ceiling of the room Cake was in, sighing impatiently and looking at his watch.

"Will this boy _ever _arrive?" he asked himself. By the time Cake was back to where he had found the torch, it was five hours later. Unbeknownst to our hero, the Slight Discomfort was napping on his hornets high above him. Cake did, at last, manage to move into the next area, in which the cave branched. He took the wrong branch (despite the fact that the clearing is visible from the area's entrance) and got an M37 shotgun for his unintentional area-exploring trouble. He crawled back into the main branch, M37 in hand, and stepped into the clearing. He looked at it in First-Person-View (he used his eyes) and whistled admiringly at the impressive lens flare effects. It was this whistle that woke the Slight Discomfort up with a start, and he then proceeded to walk down a staircase made out of hornets. He stopped on a platform in the watery area, which was right in front of Cake but too high up to reach. Cake swam forwards, and found his own snug little platform that, for some reason, had loads of ammo for his numerous weapons on it. When the two strange men faced each other, the Slight Discomfort mentally noted never to wait for somebody you were fighting again, before he started with his boring pre–fight speech on our hero.

"I am," he bellowed, before doing some random karate kicks and chops, all whilst spinning around and generally looking like a complete twat. Cake giggled at this, and received a scowl from the Jet Li wannabe (what an odd rhyme). After the Slight Discomfort had gone back to his random karate stuff (much to the delight of our hero), he continued with his speech, starting from the beginning again.

"I am… **THE SLIGHT DISCOMFORT!"** he yelled. At this, Cake was unable to contain his laughter any longer, and burst out in a laughing fit of such gargantuan proportions that it brought tears to his eyes. At _this_, the Slight Discomfort couldn't hold it any longer either, and unleashed the, ermmmmm… discomfort on our hero. The fight had begun!

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The Slight Discomfort's (who we'll now refer to as SD, thanks to my impatience at typing out the same long words every time I want to name somebody) attacks consisted mainly of chucking toy bees and wasps (that he had got from 'Play Inside Out') at Cake. Our hero quickly panicked, and decided to ring the ever-helpful Chute Doctor.

"CD, what the hell do I do!" Cake yelled.

"Okay, Cake, just _don't panic," _CD began.

"Oh, I love Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," Cake interrupted, said, remembering to all-knowing blurb.

"Seriously, Cake, listen to me!" CD yelled, once again scaring our hero with her mood swings. "The Slight Discomfort (Cake giggled at the name) fires bullet bees at you, but you've just gotta' pump M37 rounds into him to win! It's really not very hard!" Cake gained confidence from CD's trust in the fact that he was _not_ playing on Extreme. So, with that, he started taking CD's advice: he pumped ten clips worth of M37 fire into the SD's chest, which defeated him in 13.7395294 seconds.

'_Easy,'_ Cake thought to himself.

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As the SD lay there, dieing, he somehow managed to choke out some advice that our hero would no doubt discard somewhere into his mind's recycling bin.

"Cake," the SD wheezed. "You are the one to- to- to," he coughed some more. "To defeat T3h L33t!" he spat out, before yelling out his name.

"The Slight Dis-" **BOOM! ** Most of the Boa Unit managed their full name before they inexplicably blew up. But SD had such a long name, he only managed about half of his. Cake practiced what he would do when _he_ died, falling over and yelling,

"THE CAKE!" And then making that weird explosion noise that you make by sort of blowing out with your cheeks.

_35 years later, in Zanzibar Land…_

Solid Snake used the flamethrower on his father, burning all of his body to a crisp. As Big Boss blew up, he yelled those words from so long ago…

"THE CAKE!" Then, suddenly, Roy Campbell appeared out of nowhere with Hideo Kojima, seeing that there were no 'remains of Big Boss' to be recovered. They looked at each other, before Kojima said,

"Well, now the plot of MGS1 is screwed. Where're those damn remains?"

_Back in the present (well, past)…_

Cake walked out of the watery cavern, his work for the chapter done, and his head held high.

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Marvellous G: Well, I hope you enjoyed the chap: it'll be the last one for a while. And now I leave you with this thought: Shouldn't Metal Gear Solid 3 be called Shagohod Naked 1?


	16. Chapter 16 : Nerdy Excretion

Marvellous G: Ahhh, it feels nice havin' a tan... But now I'm back from Crete and ready to roll, so here's another chap...

**Disclaimer: I own a brand-spankin' new DS Lite, but not Metal Gear...**

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**Chapter Sixteen: Nerdy Excretion**

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Cake slipped and slid out of the caves, seeing some 'flying platforms' on the way. This confused his feeble mind, so he called Blecle on his radio to put his mind to rest.

"Hey, Blecle!" Cake yelled, to wake up his snoozing radio helper. Blecle jumped up, his head hitting the top of the radio square on the screen. What? No, I didn't say screen... You'll ruin the illusion! But anyway, Blecle was onbe of those people who needed no time to wake up properly, and so was fully alert for Cake's interrogation.

"Blecle, how can there be flying platforms in 1964?" Cake asked.

"Ummmm... I dunno. If I could be bothered, I'd come up with some stupid and unbelievable answer, but it's not actually possible. Happy."

"Shouldn't there be a question mark after 'happy'?" Cake inquired.

"Not if I don't care about your answer," Blecle replied in a monotone.

"Cool. 'Kay, bye!" Cake chirped obliviously. As he turned off his radio, the impossible machines (the flying platforms) came up over him again. Cake didn't have any time to hide, so he just curled up into a ball on the ground and hoped for the best. As the flying platforms came over, one of the two men on them spotted our cowering hero and started singing to him, borrowing the lyrics from Green Day's _'Warning.'_

"This is a public service announcement, this is only a test. Emergency evacuation process!" Cake looked up at him, and stood up. He realised that the men were both just Tesco's travelling salesmen, and declared their threat level to be minimal. He pulled out his M1911A1 and fired two shots off, one at the underside of each machine. They both blew up instantly, with the sound of Green Day's guitar solos accompanying the graphical prowess of the flames. Cake shook his head out of confusion, and walked on.

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When he eventually reached an area in the game where something actually happened, happen something did. Our hero did, for some reason, have a 'feeling' (i.e. a stage direction) that made him take out his binoculars and peer into the gloom and doom of the game world in front of him. He saw Colonel Molting enter, followed by the chick in the chopper from earlier. She in turn was followed by T3h L33t, in her shiny silvery combat suit. They walked up to a whimpering Molotov, who was being held by yet another generic guard who was in love with his AK. Somehow Cake's binoculars allowed him to hear things from a good while away as well as see them, so he listened in on the plot event that followed.

"The Slight Discomfort has fallen," T3h L33t declared, showing no emotion whatsoever.

"Hrrghh?" Molting replied angrily, as if it was surprising that a man who's main attack was a bee was defeated by a guy with a gun. T3h L33t repeated herself, and Molting grunted angrily again. As they were all waiting for this cut-scene's late arrival, Molotov started humming the tune of 'We Will Rock You.' He was quickly 'shushed' by everybody. When the final actor in this scene arrived, Cake saw that it was (GASP!) Major Cat-Man! He was showing off with his Single Action Army's again, this time juggling three. Cake giggled at the thought of what could happen if something went wrong with Cat-Man's impressive routine, before pressing his eyes against the lens once again. He saw Cat-Man loading a bullet into one of the SAAs, before turning to Molotov.

"There is a bullet in one of these guns," he said to the poor ol' scientist, who was already seeing where this was going.

"I'm going to pull the trigger six times. As you're the geek here, you can work out what you're odds of getting shot are." As Molotov opened his mouth to speak out his already-calculated odds, Cat-Man began his routine. With every '**CLICK**' that signified a trigger had been pulled, Molotov backed further and further away. By the end of the routine (which he had survived) he was wetting himself. Cake sniggered from afar, but then gasped in horror. Molotov had clearly thought,

'Hey, I've got nothing to lose,' and was taking a dump where he sat. Luckily for everybody in the game, T3h L33t decided now was the time to intervene. She walked up to Cat-Man, and used an RCF technique to dismantle his gun. Well, she _tried_ to use an RCF technique to dismantle his gun, but she failed. Miserably. Instead, she started punching the revolver until her fist and the barrel were broken.

"Enough of that," She said, eyeing Cat-Man and rubbing her fist with a pained expression on her face. "Take him in," she said to the guard, and nodded in Molotov's direction. The nerd was shoved roughly into a nearby warehouse, whilst Colonel Molting started to caress that random woman's… 'Lady parts', whilst his eyes sparked with red lasers. He ended up melting the woman's shoes, before T3h L33t got bored (again) and walked off into the warehouse. Molting realised it was now time to stop, and dragged the woman off into the same direction as everybody else: into the warehouse. Cake thought he heard Molting's voice whisper,

"Send in T3h Ph34r," before he heard something leap through the bushed behind him. As Cake walked into the area outside the warehouse and eyed up the guards, he had no idea of the horrors that were in store for him…

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Marvellous G: Sorry if that was a short chap, but I only got in from my hols a while ago and I'm getting tired… Well, I'll see you next time! Enjoy, and, as always, please review! Ciao!


	17. Chapter 17 : Jelly Beans Can Be Useful

Marvellous G: Another day, another chapter. Enjoy, and don't forget to review!

**Disclaimer: If you owned Metal Gear, you wouldn't be me. Ergo, I don't own Metal Gear.**

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**Chapter Seventeen: Jelly Beans Can Be Useful...**

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Cake had already spotted all of the guards who were positioned outside of the warehouse. There were three of them, who were all walking around on their predictable patrol routes, so Cake decided that he still wasn't far enough in his mission to be challenged yet. Therefore, he somehow came to the conclusion that he couldn't die yet. That man... He charged up right in front of the first guard, and punched him in the face with his pistol. The guard somehow didn't see him, instead bending forwards to try and find out what had hit him in the face.

"Hmmmmm?" He murmered and leaned so close to Cake's face that the two men could feel each other's breath on their face. Cake sniggered at his adversery's incompetence for a minute, before his small attention span ran out and he shot the guard in the knee.

"WAAAARRGGHH!" The guard yelled out, and collapsed sideways into the water at the side of the docks. Another sign of his ineptitude was that he couldn't swim, so Cake went all 'lifeguard' on us, and dived in to rescue the fool. He laid the guard out onto the dock, and knocked him out with a couple of spiteful slaps. He then moved onto the next guard, and walked in and out of his 'field of vision' for a while. But then (omigosh!) the guard woke up from his pre-programmed idiocy, and gained some sort of brain. Unfortunately for our hero, however, the moment that this happened coincided with when Cake was peering up into the barrell of the guard's AK-47.

"The HELL?" The guard yelled, and fired several shots off into Cake's eye.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWCH!" Cake roared, and ran around in frantic circles. In his panic, he accidentally charged into the guard who had shot him, knocking him into the river. The guard sank, this time with nobody to save him. Cake ran around even more randomly, and one of his frantic circles met with the third and final guard, who was yet to be enlightened. Cake slid forwards onto his knees, unintentionally flooring the guard along with himself. When he got up, he had bent back a toe, and began to trample where he stood in a feeble attempt to relieve the pain. Where he stood happened to be on top of the floored guard, who received the boot of a trained soldier in his face. About forty times. When Cake (and the guard) was done, he tentatively opened his eye. He found that there was nothing wrong with it. The perfectly unreasonable explanation for this was because Hideo Kojima had secretly trotted up and inserted a new eye into Cake's empty socket. He had done it during our hero's rampage, so as to avoid time paradoxes and detection. The reason for his pizzling actions were complex, but he did it basically because Cake wasn't meant to lose his eye until he was being tortured by Colonel- I've said far too much.

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When Cake finally made his way into the warehouse, he found three _more_ guards patrolling. This time he knew what those _fiends_ were capable of, so he decided on the only safe option: take out his AK and fire jelly beans into an out-of-the-way corner. He did, and grinned when he saw that one of his plans had actually worked.The three guards rushed into the corner towards the sweets as soon as they saw what had been fired. As they squealed with delight and snaffled the jellies, they completely forgot what Colonel Molting had told them...

_Magical flashbacky swirl..._

"Now, boys," Colonel Molting had said to the three guards. "I'm positioning you in a very important area."

"Where, Colonel, SIR!" One of the guards asked, before saluting and knocking himself out. When Molting had kicked him back into consciousness, Molting continued the tiring conversation.

"I'm trusting you to guard the warehouse in Ponizovje," he declared happily. The guards squealed with delight, and hugged each other several disturbing times.

"But you must be good," the Colonel said patronisingly, waggling a gloved finger at the three buddies.

"As I'm expecting a soldier who is _very naughty_ to come through there," the Colonel continued. "You must **_NOT_** give in to your love of jelly beans, as our spies tell us that the soldier has an AK-47 that fires those sweet, sweet, beans. BUT DON'T FALL FOR ANY TRICKS HE MIGHT PLAY ON YOU!" The Colonel roared, showering the three idiots in his spittle. They all nodded and saluted, thus knocking themselves out. The Colonel dragged them off to their positions, and the flashback ended.

_Magical un-flashbacky swirl..._

Cake snuk out of the warehouse behind the back of the guards, who had let their love of jelly beans defeat them in their hour of need. Well, moment of possible benefit. As Cake sprinted up the staircase, one of the guards remebered their Colonel's words and checked to see if any soldiers were sneaking around behind them. Cake and the guard saw each other at the same time, and as our hero saw the guard reach for his radio, he tossed another jelly bean in the other direction. The guard immediately forgot Cake, and wandered off in a zombie-like state to look for his darkest desire: the jelly bean.

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T'was night when Cake exited the warehouse and walked into the clearing. Unbeknownst to our hero, there were traps a plenty in this clearing, and as Cake took his first step, he tripped and fell into the first of many. It caught his foot in a circle of rope, and dragged him upwards to hang upside-down. Cake nibbled at the rope instead of doing the obvious (cutting it with his knife) and, after a nutritious ropy snack, fell down to the ground in yet another awkward position. As he stumbled clumsily through that clearing, setting off traps galore as he made his way, he thought his mission couldn't get any worse. He was wrong: the Major had called and was ranting at him, and there were still plenty of chapters to suffer through: he hadn't even reached T3h Ph34r yet! Our poor old Cake...

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Marvellous G: Chapter Seventeen is down, and next time you can expect to see Geeky Dorky and possible, _just possibly, _T3h Ph34r... We'll see. And please review! Until next time, ciao!


	18. Chapter 18 : Geeky Dorky and T3h Ph34r

Marvellous G: Thanks to all reviewers, especially Topaz Talyn and Max Hunter. I _will_ try to finish this fic, unless I suddenly get no reviews and it dies. But even then, I'll probably complete it for personal satisfaction. But, enough of my rambling, enjoy the chapter!

**Disclaimer: Flarghle. I own no Metal Gear series. Boppity-hoop.**

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**Chapter Eighteen: Geeky Dorky and T3h Ph34r**

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When Cake finally made it into the area outside of Geeky Dorky, he had about two thousand cuts and bruises from all of the traps he had practically walked into. His life bar blipped and changed from black to white. Cake decided that this was a sign from the Gods that he should save and quit, so his health could recharge. And so, he did.

_Please select a save file._

_**CIRCLE.**_

_This file already has a saved game on it. Would you like to overwrite the current save?_

_**CIRCLE.**_

_Saving…_

_Game Saved._

After that strange interlude, Cake fell asleep. When he eventually woke up, it was morning. As he was about to wake up, Hideo Kojima came to his aid again, and told him,

"Cake, this section is meant to happen in the night. Please go back to sleep." The thing about the way that Kojima said this was that it was in an all-too cheery monotone, but that did not deter our hero.

"But I'm not tiiiii-red," Cake winged. As soon as he said this, Kojima pulled out an SAA and pointed it at his forehead.

"GO BACK TO SLEEP OR **DIE!" **He roared. Now, _that_ got Cake's attention. Our hero immediately obeyed, and fell into a deep, deep, sleep…

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When Cake awoke from a romantic dream featuring him and Major Cat-Man, he doubted his heterosexuality. But he also realised that it was now night-time, so Kojima wouldn't kill off his main character (no, not until the 'suicide scene'). Cake wearily walked up to the fence, and lean against it for some small amount of comfort. Bad idea.

"YY-ZZZZ-ARRRRRRRRRRRGON!" Cake yelled, as the _electric_ fence shocked him, both mentally and physically. Suddenly, a boffin appeared out of nowhere, and spotted that Cake had unintentionally yelled 'argon' in his pain.

"Hey, did you know that Argon makes up 0.94 percent of air?" Cake turned around to see the geeky speaker, and shook his head, before responding,

"No, but did you know that silencers on guns in video games don't _actually_ silence things, they make them louder?" The dork shook his head enthusiastically, and spluttered,

"No, show me!" Cake smiled at this response, and fired a 'silenced' shot into the boff's face. Somehow, this didn't kill him, and he stumbled off into the foliage muttering things like,

"Incredible…" and "Unbelievable…" under his breath. As Cake turned back to the fence, he learned from his mistake and began his search for a shoddy bit of fence building. He found it in the form of a hole at the bottom of the other side of the fence. He skipped up to it, and crawled into and under it. As he emerged on the other side, there was a guard peering right down to stare at Cake's head. As soon as our hero noticed this, he crawled backwards into the area he had just come from. He then chucked a grenade through the hole. Luckily for Cake, now all of the guards had gathered around the hole to examine what this strange man-like figure was, and what is was doing. As they saw the pin-less grenade roll in front of them, they leaned in even closer and marveled at it. A chorus of,

"Oooooooooooooh…" erupted, and it could be heard way back in Ponizovje. As the grenade blew up, Cake continued straight into Geeky Dorky, just sidestepping any remaining guards that said,

"I think I see something…" as Cake passed a small ruler's length from their face.

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As soon as Cake entered Geeky Dorky's main building, he remembered the scientist costume that Eva had given him. He put it on, along with some glasses he had nicked from a guard. Unfortunately, he forgot to put away his gun, but oh well for now… As he stepped into the hallway he was met with a hundred red exclamation marks above a hundred guard's heads.

"Scientists don't have guns!" They all droned in unison.

"Damn," Cake yelled, and rushed back outside before an alert could be sent out. This time, he took away his gun and stowed it in his Tardis-like backpack. He walked back in to find that the guards had a similarity with goldfishes: they could barely remember anything. They had already forgotten the little 'scientists don't have guns' episode, and were milling around casually and staring at guinea-pig porn. As Cake walked amongst them, he realised that he had no idea where Molotov was in here. He decided to call Eva.

"Hey, Eva," Cake said.

"Wotcha, Cake!" Eva chavved back.

"Where exactly in Geeky Dorky is Molotov?"

"He's in the basement, in the back left corner room."

"Okay, how do you know that?"

"Why would you ask if you didn't think I'd know?"

"I-"

"Bye, Cake!" Eva chirped, and Cake heard his old friend static again. He turned off his radio, and headed towards the nearest staircase. As he was about to descend it, a guard stopped him.

"You don't look like a scientist," the guard said gruffly.

"But, ermmmmm, I am?" Cake tried.

"Oh, well that's okay then!" The guard responded, not sarcastically. Cake stepped quickly but happily down the stairs, aiming to find Molotov and be nearer ending his crummy mission.

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When Cake eventually found the right door, he entered to find an old guy getting drunk with some models of as-of-yet-uninvented Metal Gears.

"Hey, you! Yeah, you!" Cake yelled at the guy, gangsta-style. The men fell over in his seat, but quickly sat back up again. Cake noticed that he was wearing Nike Air Trainers.

"Nice shoes," he said.

"Thank you," the man said in a heavy Russian accent. "My name is, Hmmmm… I forget my first name, but my second name is Bran."

"Is your first Weeta?" Cake asked, fighting back laughter.

"Yes, that's it!" Weeta Bran yelled. Cake was shocked. "Anyway," Mr. Bran continued, "I'm gonna give you a random keycard… Warehouse door… Metal Gears pwnt Shagohod… Molotov's in Gothy Chav… I am very drunk… IT'S A BIPEDAL TANK!" Bran clearly was very drunk, as he burst into a fit of laughter after saying all of this, before burping, coughing, laughing again and fainting. Cake stared for a minute, before shrugging and heading back to the warehouse.

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Cake got back out again with minimal trouble, and when he reached the be-trapped clearing again, he was ever so cautious. This was mainly because he heard a voice in a tree above him singing the Numa Numa song (Google it if you haven't heard of it already).

"Ma-I-A-Hee, Ma-I-A-Hoo, Ma-I-A-Ha, Ma-I-A-Ha-HA!" The voice yelled before jumping down and deactivating its stealth camouflage. It was a man, who was wearing a camouflaged jumpsuit and prancing around whilst dislocating his limbs.

"Weirdo," Cake muttered. This time, the weirdo (who, in case you haven't already figured it out, was T3h Ph34r) started doing the dance as well as the singing this time.

"Ma-I-A-Hee, Ma-I-A-Hoo, Ma-I-A-Ha, Ma-I-A-Ha-HA!" He yelled, and danced right up in front of Cake.

"I am T3h Ph34r!" He whispered evilly.

"Why is that in l33t-speak?" Cake asked tiredly.

"Because l33t-speak has the word PWN, which is what I'm about to do to you!" T3h Ph34r cackled, and swung off into the trees, firing a rubber arrow from a plastic bow at Cake's head. It bounced off, and Cake laughed.

"Tee-hee, that tickled," our hero chuckled. "And one more thing: why are you called T3h Ph34r, 'cause the Numa Numa Dance sure ain't scary."

T3h Ph34r paused for a second to ponder this question.

"I don't know…" he responded slowly, before leaping into another branch.

"Prepare to feel T3h Ph34r. Naked Cake!" Yelled the weirdo, before the two launched themselves into battle…

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Marvellous G: Oooh! A cliffhanger, despite the fact we know that Cake will win somehow. Please review, and see you next time. Ciao!


	19. Chapter 19 : T3h Ph34r Continued

Marvellous G: W00t! I finally got Resident Evil 4! Ahem... This chapter may be short, as I don't want to go on to another boss battle in the same chapter as T3h Ph34r. But please enjoy anyway, and thanks to Max Hunter and Topaz Talyn for those reviews!

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**Chapter Nineteen: T3h Ph34r Continued**

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Cake could still hear the Numa Numa song buzzing around above him, or, more accurately, T3h Ph34r buzzing around above him. He did his usual tactic of spraying jelly beans everywhere he could see, but sadly that didn't work here. Suddenly, he felt something hit his thigh incredibly hard. He looked down to see a rubber arrow, but this one had been _sharpened_!

"ZOMG!" Cake roared, and yanked the arrow out of his leg. He pulled out about fifty frag grenades from nowhere, and chucked them all into the air at the same time. Unfortunately, Cake wasn't a very good thrower, so all of the grenades rained down on him, blowing up at different times. T3h Ph34r cackled, and swooped down. He poked Cake in the stomach, and then started tickling him in the same place.

"HAH HA! OOOOHH… HEH HAAAA HOORGH!" Cake yelled, torn between laughter and extreme pain. Eventually, he became immune to both and sprung up, pistol first. No, pistol as in _gun._ The butt smacked T3h Ph34r in the face, which made him scream out.

"NUMA NUMA YEI!" Cake roared, this battle cry giving him strength. He leapt at our weirdo friend, and began pumping yet more M37 fire in to his face. T3h Ph34r jumped away, but tripped over mid jump on a banana skin that was hovering in the air.

"What the hell?" Cake said, before shaking his head and lobbing anything he could find at T3h Ph34r's dangling body. Unfortunately, the only thing he could find was grass, which wasn't all too painful. T'was gonna be a long fight…

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Cake got bored of chucking shrubs eventually, and pulled out his M1911A1. He was already to finish T3h Ph34r off, before the freak cried out.

"WAIT! If you knock me out instead of killing me, I'll give you some pretty clothes!" This attempt was clearly desperate, but Cake actually considered it.

"What colour are the clothes?" Cake asked slowly, with a skeptical look on his face.

"They come in two colours," T3h Ph34r said, dropping down from the sky and inexplicably pulled his 'salesman table' out of his pocket, before setting down two sets of clothes. But Cake only saw one set.

"Where's the second?" He asked, sounding strangely put out.

"Ah-HA!" T3h Ph34r cried with a flourish. "That is the trick. One set is my Spider Camo, which is invisible and mystical. It enables you to summon Chinese Dragons to smite your enemies at any given time!"

"Is that last bit true?" Cake asked.

"Well, no. But I'm sure it could be if you tried _really _hard!"

"Hmm… Maybe. But what's that other colour? You're blocking my view." T34 Ph34r moved aside to reveal to our hero some pink 'camouflage'.

"OOOOH! PINK!" Cake yelled happily, and rushed over to the table.

"But, you're an agent! Surely you'd rather be silent and invisible with the power to summon dragons as a possibility, than be pink and obvious to everybody who looks in your direction!" T3h Ph34r finished his long sentence out of breath and perplexed.

"Nuh-uh," Cake said happily, closing his eyes and squeezing his new 'camo'.

"Well, okay, if you say so… So, the deal is that if you knock me out rather than killing me, I'll give you this 'Pink Camo'for free. Cake nodded his head enthusiastically, and shot T3h Ph34r in the face with his M1911A1.

"Ooops…" Cake said quietly, realizing the gun he had just used wasn't a tranquilizer. He then sensed what was coming next, and sprinted away as T3h Ph34r blew up. Our hero heard the dead boss' voice ring out over the explosion.

"You dirty, gay liar!" It said. Cake took the gay comment personally, as he wasn't gay. He just _really liked _the colour pink. So, with that, he felt no guilt as he walked back towards the warehouse.

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Marvellous G: I'm sorry to post such a short chapter, but I'm going swimming with my mates soon. I pledge that the next chapter will be longer. Please review!


	20. Chapter 20 : That Old Guy

Marvellous G: Now time for a longer chapter. And to Max Hunter, Cake is not gay. He just loves pink. (Translation: Thanks for the review) And to Topaz Talyn, I've got no idea how T3h Ph34r found some pink camo (Translation: Thanks to you as well).

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**Chapter Twenty: That Old Guy**

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Cake arrived back at the warehouse a few minutes later, as he had spent a long time looking at his pink camo and hugging himself. He walked into the warehouse with his head held high, forgetting the whole 'zebra camo' incident as he strode in with his obvious pink camo. All the guards saw, but Cake saw them in the process of seeing him with their visual receptors which displayed the image of Cake seeing what they saw (what did I just write?) Cake quickly fired a full 'clip' of jelly beans into the same corner that he had used last time, and clambered over the railings. He landed on the floor right in front of the door (T'is a rhyme!) He used the keycard that Weeta Bran had given him to unlock it, and stepped out into the open. As soon as he took four steps, he saw the word 'call' in red font, floating in the sky. It was accompanied by a beeping sound.

"Damn, text alerts are getting flashy these days…" Cake mused, before realizing it was a signal to the player that he had a radio call. He blushed at his stupidity, and quickly answered the call.

"Hello, who is it?" He asked calmly.

"Hey Cake, It's Eva," Eva replied.

"Oh, hey Eva!"

"I just wanted to tell you about the next member of the Boa Unit…" There was a pause, which was far too long for Cake's tiny patience metre.

"And he is?"

"His name is… 'That Old Guy'!" Eva screamed. Cake just stared into space, heavy-lidded and looking angry.

"Okay, so who is he _really?"_ Cake asked.

"That's his real name. He was outside of Ponizovje Warehouse earlier; you might have seen him with Molting and me."

"Molting and _you_?" Cake asked.

"Uhhh… I mean, Molting and _she._ That girl. Anyway, he was there too. Remember?"

"Hmmmm…"

_Magical flashbacky swirl..._

Cake stared through his binoculars at the sleeping man in the wheelchair.

"Heh heh, look at that old guy!" He sniggered.

_Magical un-flashbacky swirl..._

"Who, that old guy?"

"Yes, that's his name. But do you remember him?"

"Maybe, if you're talking about that old guy I saw. Are you?"

"Yes, Cake we know his name is strange. But _did you see him?"_ Eva asked through gritted teeth.

"Do you mean that old guy I saw?" Cake asked through teeth that were equally gritted (grat?).

"THAT'S HIS NAME BUT DID YOU SEE HIM!" Eva roared.

"PROBABLY!" Cake yelled back.

"YES OR NO!"

"PROBABLY YES!"

"DEFINITELY YES!"

"**OKAY! DEFINITELY YES!"** Cake screamed, making the sound metre on his radio break for good.

"Okay," Eva said, breathing heavily. "Well, he's a legendary sniper. He doesn't use a spotter or anything, just pure skill and perseverence." He-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's unbeatable, blah, blah, blah. Be careful, watch my back, et cetera," Cake interrupted rudely.

"Yeah, you basically covered all of what I was about to say. Except..."

"Except what?" Cake asked, for once interested about something.

"Except that you're wearing pink! HA!" Eva laughed, and signed off. Cake sniffled slightly at this, before moving on quickly.

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He arrived in the area that That Old Guy was waiting in after about three hours of using his trusted 'jelly bean' technique on the thousands of guards posted near to him. As soon as he stepped in, he heard a wheezy voice boom out.

"Naked Cake, I am That- That- Tha-" The voice broke down into a coughing fit. After a few seconds, the voice came back, stronger this time.

"I am That Old Guy!" That Old Guy yelled triumphantly, as if this were a codename that was desirable in any way, shape or form. It wasn't.

"I will strike you down. I'll- I'll- I'll… YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Cake, who was watching That Old Guy (who we'll now refer to as TOG), saw him strike his sniper rifle down onto the ground, in a cheap rip-off of Gandalf in Lord of the Rings. After his momentary strangeness, TOG regained his composure and pointed his rifle at Cake.

"Naked Cake," he said. The words were followed by an eerie silence, broken by Cake sneezing loudly. After our hero had blown his nose seven times, TOG finished his sentence:

"Prepare to die…" He fired off a shot that would have hit Cake if he hadn't been sneezing again. As his head bowed down to hay fever, the bullet soared over him and into a defenceless tree. The battle had begun.

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Marvellous G: I'm incredibly sad to announce that this will be my last chapter for about five weeks, as I'm going to the coast in a cottage for that time. I don't have internet there, but I'll be able to write the chapters so expect a continuous flow as soon as I get back. Please keep this story going with reviews until I'm back. In the words of Max Hunter, do it for Cake, do it for me, and do it for you. So, ciao for five and a bit weeks… (Sob)


	21. Chapter 21 : The Ladder

Marvellous G: By the time you'll be reading this, I'll be back! So, please enjoy the continuation of That Old Guy's tussle with our anti-hero!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear or nuffink, allright? (Does Chav thingy with hands)**

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**Chapter Twenty-One: The Ladder**

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Cake was suddenly aware of the fact that That Old Guy meant business.

'_He's shot an innocent tree, for God's sake!_' Our hero mused. So, he decided to be merciless in his battle against evil tree-destroying freaks. He screamed out his battle cry of,

"NUMA NUMA YEI!" And charged forwards, magically acquired M16 Carbine cradled in his hands. This one used bullets, not jelly beans. Boy, is that guy in for a nasty surprise. Cake thought that the shock of having real bullets fired at him would give That Old Guy a heart attack, but it was our hero's heart that would be attacked. That Old Guy had managed to sneak up behind him, and whispered,

"Boo!" Evilly into our hero's ear. Cake screamed and leapt about fifty feet into the air, before turning around and firing off M16 shots into That Old Guy's hind like there was no tomorrow.

"There might not _be _a tomorrow if you don't defeat the Stepping Doom!" Colonel Campbell yelled dramatically, jumping into the area.

"OMGBBQ TIME PARADOX!" He yelled insanely, before flying away, singing,

"I need scissors! Sixty oooooooooooooooooooooone…" Cake and That Old Guy stopped what they were doing for a minute, before looking back at each other. They both shrugged, and resumed the fight. Cake eventually pumped enough bullets up That Old Guy's butt to deplete his life bar almost completely ("What 'life bar'?" Cake yelled angrily, and confused). That Old Guy wheezed tiredly, and held up his hands in front of himself as a sign of surrenderance (is that even a word?).

"Okay, I give up!" That Old Guy coughed. "I'll give you my pension if you don't kill me!" Cake's expression changed from tree-cruelty induced rage into careful thinking.

"How much is your pension?" Cake asked, wording his question carefully. He was aware of Eva's frantic "DON'T FALL FOR IT!"s in his ear, but he was short on cash and thought that he deserved a break.

"Six hundred pounds," TOG wheezed out calmly.

"I'll take it!" Cake declared so happily that it demanded a triple-exclamation mark.

"HA! Loser!" TOG yelled, before jogging slowly over to Cake and punching him. Cake realised his schoolboy error, and got bored by TOG's fiftieth weak punch. He quickly shot TOG in the head, and watched his victim crumple to the ground. He had used a tranq, of course.

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Cake moved on to the area that had inexplicably been blown open for him as TOG had blown up, screaming,

"That Old Guy!" As worthy a battle cry as any, kids. Cake looked up to the ceiling of this peculiar new area and found that he couldn't see it.

"Hmmm…" Cake thought aloud. But then, (A-HA!) he saw a ladder. He began to climb it, and heard a nice theme tune playing.

_What a thrill,_

_With chocolate and marzipan in si-ight…_

_What I thrill,_

_Some treacle is melting just for you-oo…_

_What sugar in my blood…_

_And, WOW, look! Some creeeeeeeam!_

_I would eat even chocolate coated poo!_

_I think it's time I thought of something el-elseeee…_

_Yum! Are you gonna eee-eat that toooo…?_

_Oh yeah… Custard Creams… CAKE EATER!_

Suddenly, the ladder reared up, knocking Cake off about the twentieth rung. The landing hurt, but Cake didn't care as he noticed what had caused it. He looked up to see the ladder hissing at him, moving, breathing… ALIVE!

"DEAR GOD!" Cake screamed, and shot the many-runged foe with his AK, hoping that it liked jelly beans. It didn't.

"AAAHH!" Cake yelped, and leapt onto the top of the ladder in a frenzy of fear. He managed to get a foothold, and a hand around one of the rungs, so he dropped a grenade into the beast's snarling mouth, and watched in horror as it was chomped up. He looked around frantically, and, seeing nothing he could do, called the Major.

"MAJOR NOUGHT! HEEEEEEEEEELP!" He screamed into the earpiece. Naughty Noughty recoiled from the enormous racket his agent, before looking back with an evil grin plastered onto his face.

"Why. Cake, whatever is the matter, old boy?"

"THERE'S AN EVIL LADDER ATTACKING ME! GOOD GOD, IT'S HUGE!" As Chute-Doctor heard this, her expression changed from skepticism to fear and anxiety. She barged the Major out of the way, and stuck his earpiece into her own ear.

"Okay, Cake. Don't panic. You're fighting the fabled Russian Ladder-Beast. His name is probably Jacob, so try saying that to calm him down. If that doesn't work, then, well… Cake, I'm so sorry!" CD said, and burst into tears. She ran off crying for our good ol' Cake, and the Major took the earpiece again.

"Well, Cake. You heard her. Good luck, soldier," he concluded, and saluted. Although there was no way of Cake seeing this gesture, he somehow did and saluted back. Then he turned to the ladder, it's ugly face rearing up for the killing blow. Our hero took a deep breath, before opening his mouth and screaming. Everything went into dramatic slow motion, and you could hear Cake's courageous scream echo around even up on the mountain. Heads turned towards the site of that immense bravery. Everybody who heard it saluted, knowing that yet another hero had decided to fight the terror that was the fabled Russian Ladder-Beast™. EA had trademarked this one for the hype it would attract with all of this bravery. But, back to the fic. The cry that would go down in history as the personification of courage, no matter this battle's outcome, came from Cake's mouth like a golden hymn.

"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!" And with that, the screen went a mysterious black.

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Marvellous G: Oh noes! Is Cake dead at the hands of the fabled Russian Ladder-Beast™? Or will heroism prevail in the face of greatest terror? Only time, and the next chapter, will tell. Please review, as always!


	22. Chapter 22 : To Battle a Titan

Marvellous G: Again, by the time you read this, I'll be back. So I won't respond to any submitted reviews as I won't have read them (if there are any!) So, please enjoy the conclusion of mankind's greatest struggle!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Metal Gear. There, I said it.**

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**Chapter Twenty-Two: To Battle a Titan**

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Cake flew towards the Ladder-Beast™, his arms making flapping motions and enabling him to fly. The name had done nothing to calm Jacob down, and it's mouth was open. Cake allowed himself to be consumed, sensing that the end was nigh. He was swallowed whole, and found himself swimming towards Jacob's stomach. When he was there, he thought it was all over. But, THEN, an idea struck him just like a Victorian teacher's cane struck the class idiot's face. Our hero took out some C4 from his backpack, and placed it in Jacob's stomach. He did this several times, placing the explosives in a different place every time. He then took out his AK, and fired some jelly beans at the floor, or Jacob's stomach lining. He then closed his eyes and hoped for the best as he heard the beast yelling...

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It turned out that Jacob had got indigestion, and coughed as he struggled to stomach the hideous taste of some jellies that were way past their best before date. He spat Cake out, who now had the detonator in his hand. Our hero fell down to the bottom of the immense ladder's height, but, just at the last minute, he had yet another uncharacteristic brainwave. He fired his AK at the floor, clutching the detonator in his left hand as his right cradled the odd weapon. The force of a million jelly beans hitting the floor caused Cake to inexplicably shoot upwards, towards the exit of the shaft at the top. As he flew up through the exit and defied science, he pressed the detonator button and watched as his terrible foe howled in pain, before falling down the shaft. To never come back up. Cake stared down at his kill, his face the definition of solemn. Until that familiar dopy grin took pride of place yet again.

"W00T! Questionably codenamed agents one, yet another EA branded item nil."

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Cake now found himself in the Krasnogorje mountain range. His jungle camo didn't really help him, so he changed into his favourite camo: Choco Chip. He felt warm and snug as he slipped inot clothes that were named after some of his favourite food. After his brief smugness, he espied the first guard in his way. He decided that he'd had enough gung-ho action in the last few paragraphs, thanks very much, so he took the easy route through the entire area. He sprinted up to the first guard, and swung a drunken yet skillful RCF punch. The guard was instantly out cold. Cake took his uniform, and winced as he caught a sight of Y-Fronts. He reluctantly took off his lovely Choco Chip camo, and replaced it with the guard's uniform. He strolled up to the next hapless AI-man five minutes later, and attempted a clever yet subtle bluff.

"Hey, maaaaaaaan... Can I, like, come through?" Cake asked the poor guard in his best mock-hippy-dude voice.

"Um, I don't think we have any hippies in this squadron, comrade," the guard responded uncertainly, standing up straighter as he spoke.

"Damn," Cake breathed, genuinely disappointed at his failure.

"Huh?" The guard asked.

"What? Oh, I mean, uh, ham?" Cake tried.

"O-KAY, comrade, you know the password! Carry on through!" The guard yelled, all the more peppy at having had proof of his comrade's identity.

"Ummmm... Thanks..." Cake said, grinning awkwardly as he walked past the beaming guard and further up the enormous mountain.

"Coming to think of it, I _do_ like ham..." Cake mused, slightly less bewildered as he continued his relatively pointless mission.

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Marvellous G: So, Cake won! W00t! Please review, constructive critisicm welcome, although praise is always nice. Also, as a little side thought, please try to iclude the word 'crane' in your conversations. I'm trying to see if chavs will pick up on any old stupid word and use it themselves. Use it as a substitute for 'good', i.e.,

"Oh, the new iPod's well craned up! I want it!" And, with that, peace out!


	23. Chapter 23 : Time Paradox!

Marvellous G: Finally speaking to you from my regular laptop again. Thanks to Topaz Talyn and Mr. Gruntsworthy for reviewing (to Mr. G, I'll red your story ASAP!). When we last left our hero, he had bluffed his way into the mountains... Enjoy!

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**Chapter Twenty-Three: Time Paradox!**

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As Cake marched through the Krasnogorje complex, he occasionally spotted helicopters surveying his and the other guard's every move. He did, naturally, shudder every time he saw them. He walked down a steep slope (well, fell...) and found himself in a large section of flat land, which had lots of wooden huts built on top of it. As our hero wondered whether he could start a dominos-esque mass house burning using his cigar, he realised that he was getting odd looks from some other guards in the area. He gave one the finger. Unfortuntely for Cake, his middle finger was holding his cigar (please don't ask how), so he had to settle for pointing his index finger at the confused man. He decided his cigar wouldn't start a mass fire, so he tried the door of the hut closest to him. As he opened it cautiously, a giant of a man with a bag on his head ran at our hero with a chainsaw, yelling in Spanish. Cake yelped in a questionably high pitched voice, and closed the door behind him. He turned around to see one guard shaking his head at our hero sympathetically.

"Wrong game, huh?" He said sadly. Cake put on his bewildered face again, but the guard just walked on, sadly. Cake shook his head and tried the door of the next cabin. Now _this_ was more like it. Inside he found an RPG-7 rocket launcher, and a series of explosives including his favourite past time: C4. He chuckled evilly.

"Let's have some fun..."

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The pilot manning the helicopter as the gay man from chapter one. He had defected to Russia after getting bored of watching potential dates jumping out of planes. He knew nothing about helicopters at all, so he was,

"More zan qualified to fly ze thing," according to the head of a GRU platoon. It struck him as normal, then, when he saw a familiar looking man pointing a rocket propelled grenade at him from the mountainside. It still seemed relatively normal as he saw a rocket being launched at his own chopper. Things only got really strange as he realised that he was about to explode into a million pieces of defeatedness. But that didn't happen. The rocket swerved inexplicably away from the cockpit it was about to destroy. He watched intently as an old man with a long, grey, beard jumped onto the mountain from the sky and landed in front of the man holding the RPG-7. But before things got interesting, he shrugged and flew around to the other side of Krasnogorje to continue his patrol.

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Cake was confused yet again. That was a great shot he'd just fired, but it had missed at the last second. How? He was so out of it that he didn't notice the old guy that had just landed next to him.

"Waa-ha-haaa!" The old man cried in an irritating voice. "See, the Patriots can even deflect rockets! You'll never stop us now, Solid Snake!"

The man's yelling knocked Cake out of his trance.

"What the hell? Solid Snake? Patriots? Hmm?"

"Waa-haa! I am Revolver Ocelot, remember?"

"Wait, are you Cat-Man?" The old man glowered at the mention of this name.

"I believe I used to go by that name... Hey, wait, I remember you! You were the comparatively incompetent one. Cake, wasn't it?"

"It still is!" Our hero scoffed. "But you're Cat-Man, and you're old. The Cat-Man I know is about a thrid of your age."

"Wait, this is beginning to sound quite bad. What year is it?" The old Cat-Man demanded.

"1964..." Cake said slowly and worriedly.

"Ack! I'm meant to be in 2009!"

"But that's- That's..." Cake paused for a full minute to work out the sum that's commonly found in Junior School Maths textbooks. "46 years into the future!" He shouted eventually.

"45, actually," old Cat-Man said acidly. "So, I'll be off then. And make sure you have clones!" He yelled as an afterthought, before leaping into the sky and disappearing.

"What the hell? Cake yelled, a second before his radio bleeped again. It was Major Nought again.

"ZOMG CAKE! TIME PARADOX!"

"Huh?" Cake asked, exasperated after all the complete lack of logic demonstrated in the last few chapters.

"Well, that was Cat-Man from a future that hasn't happened yet, but I digress. Just get to that random hut that Eva never actually told you about."

"Then how do you know about it?" Cake demanded.

"Well, I certainly didn't time travel!" The Major laughed.

"I know _that,_ but-"

"MWU-HA-HA! Bye, Cake!" The Major said, and ended the conversation in a quite peculiar fashion. He stuck an orange into the microphone's socket. Cake stared at the great fruit that was now displayed on his screen for a while, before heading towards the hut that said,

"Eva, the double agent posing as Cynthia, is NOT in here." It was a start.

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Marvellous G: One down, however many more it takes to go. Please review with your thoughts and suggestions. Also, bonus points if anyone recognises which game the chainsaw man is actually from. Although it's pretty obvious.


	24. Chapter 24 : The Rendezvous

Marvellous G: More chapters for you, Ma'am! Please review as always. Oh, and thanks to Topaz Talyn for the amazingly speedy review!

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**Chapter Twenty-Four: The Rendezvous**

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Cake slowly pushed the door open to see Eva half naked, getting dressed. He couldn't contain himself.

"Hot stuff!" He said a bit too loudly. Eva turned around and saw him.

"Oh, hey Cake," she said wearily.

"What are all of those scars?" Our hero asked nervously.

"I tried to do some RCF moves when nobody was looking, but they went a bit wrong. What am I not doing right?" She asked, and demonstrated a nice step forward and sweep with the knife.

"Ah, I see what you're doing wrong. You see, you're trying to actually do something involving skill. What you've gotta do is make drunken maneuvers, and you'll be just fine." Eva had a go, and was, disturbingly, much better thanks to her inebriation imitation.

"Gee, thanks, Cake," she said to our hero, and pulled him into a hug. Unfortunately, Cake got the wrong idea and pursed his lips and leaned forwards, eyes closed, ready for a smooch or two. Eva didn't notice.

"You know, I bet if I kissed you, you'd taste like icing sugar."

"Yeaaaaaah…" Cake mused, before actually taking in what Eva had said. "Hey!" He yelled.

"Oh, but icing sugar's sweet, just like you!" Eva said hurriedly, realizing that she had insulted our incompetent hero.

"I must be the worst secret agent _EVER_ if I'm sweet!" Cake wailed, and sat down sadly. "I suck! No wait, even worse, I QUIT!" Eva immediately rushed to Cake's side and patted him sympathetically.

"Oh, no, honey! You're a great agent. What I meant by icing sugar is that you're hard to… Ummm… You're really hard to get rid of! For the bad guys, that is…" Cake's expression softened at this.

"Honest?" He said, smiling, on the verge of happiness.

"Honest," Eva nodded.

"WHOPEE!" Cake screamed, and leapt into the air. Eva shook her head sadly.

"Look what they give _me _to work with…" She sighed.

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Eva was now fully dressed, and she and Cake were finally discussing the mission.

"Stepping Doom is in its penultimate phase, you need to stop it before it's too late," Eva was saying.

"And how _do I_ stop it?" Cake asked. Eva reached into her bag and pulled out yet more explosives.

"Oh, I'm okay, thanks," Cake began. "I've got literally a ton of C4 in my backpack."

"Ah, but, here's the thing: C4 won't work," Eva said, smiling knowingly.

"Why not?" Cake asked, puzzled.

"The game would be too easy and short," she replied bluntly, annoyed at having to reveal that C4 would, in fact, work.

"It _is_ pretty short already…" Cake agreed, stroking his chin.

"So, I've got some C3 for you!" Eva exclaimed happily. She handed it over too Cake, who sniffed it and bit off a tiny chunk.

"DON'T DO THAT!" Eva wailed.

"Again, why not?" Cake asked.

"Because we need all of that!" Eva screamed. Unfortunately, by the time she'd finished yelling, Cake had already eaten all of the C3.

"AAGH!" She fumed.

"Uhhh, sorry?" Cake said slowly. Eva counted to twenty slowly, and turned to our greedy hero again.

"Okay, Plan B. You'll need to disguise yourself as Raiden."

"That name sounds familiar…" Cake began, as old Cat-Man (or at least his torso) appeared in the room. Eva realised what was happening, and corrected herself before Cat-Man could yell, "TIME PARADOX!" at her.

"RAIKOV! I meant to say, Raikov," she said quickly, and sighed with relief as Cat-Man disappeared again, scowling at her.

"So, who is this Raikov?" Cake asked pleasantly, completely oblivious to what had just happened.

"He's Molting's lover," Eva said flatly.

"The **_HELL!"_** Cake screamed, leaping onto his feet. "But, you, but-"

"Yeah, I know. He's a freak. But in 45 years, there'll be someone that's… Like him… _And_ a vampire."

"Oh, really, what's his name?" Cake asked, suddenly interested.

"His name's Vamp."

"I know there's something significant about 45 years away…" Cake said slowly, his brow furrowed. After a moment's contemplation, he shrugged and completely forgot about it. "Ah, well. I'll remember sooner or later," our hero concluded, although unbeknownst to him he never would.

"_Anyway_," Eva breathed, "You'll need to knock him out and steal his clothes.

"YIPES!" Cake yelped, before seeing the evils Eva was giving him.

"So, go to Gothy Chav, blah blah, takes Raikov's clothes, blah, rescue Molotov (blah). I'll be off now." Eva was clearly beginning to resent Cake, but then, even glass isn't too clear to our thick hero.

"Hey, don't you wanna ask me loads of irritating questions about me and T3h L33t?" He called. "It says to in the script!"

"Screw the script!" He heard Eva respond, before she jumped onto her motorbike and rode off to Gothy Chav. Cake stared dumbly for a few minutes, before a realization dawned on him.

"Hey, wait, she didn't tell me how to get to Gothy Chav!"

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Marvellous G: I hoped you enjoyed the chap. Please review with comments, suggestions and constructive criticism. But for now, well, PEACE OUT!


	25. Chapter 25 : The Mild Irritance

Marvellous G: Wow! Thanks to Jamie Gartland and RPGMAN1 for the reviews. And, as always, thanks to topaz Talyn for another speedy response. And now, onto he chapter...

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**Chapter Twenty-Four: The Mild Irritance**

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Cake was about to call Eva and ask her how to get to Gothy Chav, but that was before he had seen and old man in a barrel being beaten up by Colonel Molting. He stared through the wrong end of the binoculars, but was too dumb to realise, and watched as Molting absolutely battered the poor guy. When it was all over, Cat-Man and the chick from the helicopter walked onto the scene, followed by T3h L33t. They started a heated discussion about something, but Cake couldn't hear. Our hero moved on…

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"So he wasn't the spy…" Cat-Man mused.

"Well, if he was he sure didn't talk…" Molting agreed. T3h L33t walked around to face Molting.

"Guess who killed That Old Guy and T3h Ph34r…" She said wearily.

"WHAT?" Molting yelled, apparently surprised (or just a more dedicated actor than T3h L33t).

"And, also, some C3 was stolen from the storerooms," T3h L33t continued.

"All in vain…" The group heard somebody hiss. They all turned to the girl from the chopper.

"Tatanya? Did you say something?" Molting asked gruffly.

"Uhhh… I said 'Give him pain'," Tatanya rescued.

"Oh. Well, in that case, scram!" Molting yelled. Tatanya was about to comply, but Major Cat-Man stopped her.

"Wait… She smells of gasoline… I know that smell…" He said mysteriously.

"Well, it sure wasn't my bike, 'cause I don't even have a bike!" Tatanya said suspiciously quickly.

"Well, I guess that's true…" Cat-Man said falsely, and let her run off.

"Well, that was weird," Molting said.

"This is true," T3h L33t said, nodding her head. "But anyway, some C3 was stolen from our storerooms."

"The American?" Both Cat-Man and Molting said in unison.

"No… He couldn't have got here yet… I'm going to set the Mild Irritance on him. Colonel, you just make sure you find that spy," T3h L33t ordered, hopping onto her horse.

"Yes, Ma'am!" Molting saluted as she rode off. "Wait… Hey! I outrank you!" He called after her, but she was long gone. "Women," he sighed to Cat-Man, who nodded sympathetically. The two men walked into Gothy Chav sulkily.

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Cake had been trying Eva's frequency for a while now, and had only just got a response now.

"Hey, Eva, where were you?" He hissed.

"What, Cake?" She whispered back, sounding agitated. "Haven't they told you about me?"

"Told me what?" Cake demanded.

"Umm, nothing. I was just in the loo. What do you want?" It was her turn to hiss.

"How do I get into Gothy Chav?"

"Oh, that. Sorry I forgot to tell you about that," Eva said, and waited for an 'oh, it's O.K' from Cake. But it did not come.

"Still friends?" She asked.

"Ohhhh, go on then!" Cake said happily.

"Okay, there's a secret passage back in the mountain complex. I was meant to give you the key, but I forgot."

"Then how am I supposed to get in?" Cake demanded angrily.

"Don't panic-" Eva began, but was cut off by our hero.

"I read that on a blurb once…" There was an awkward silence. "But, please, continue."

"_Thank you_, Cake," Eva said exasperatedly. "I left a spare key under the door mat. You can use that one."

"Okay, thanks Eva. Cake out." Our hero got up and looked under the mat. Sure enough, there was a relatively normal-looking key there. He took it warily, and trudged back into the mountains.

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When our hero finally found the door marked, "SECRET PASSAGE. CONTAINS ANGRY, IRRITATING, WANNABE-SPACEMAN. **DO NOT ENTER**", it was embedded into a rock. He pushed the key into the lock, but it wouldn't turn. He tried again several times, using a different technique each time, but there was no result. He tried booting the door, but again, it wouldn't budge. He tried C4, TNT, shotguns, even poisonous snakes, but nothing would open the door. Forty-Five minutes later, our hero found himself panting and with one final item left unused in his backpack: the rocket launcher. He took five steps backwards, and then thought more closely about what he was about to do and took another ten back. He looked through the Rocket-Propelled-Grenade-7's scope, took aim, and fired. When the smoke and our hero's head had cleared, the door was blown off of its hinges. Cake marched smugly through the now-open door. He came into a dank, dark, dimly-lit area. It had a ladder at the back, which he climbed up quickly. He then found himself in an even darker labyrinth of corridors, and was walking through the first few to a door at the back when he smelt burning. He looked all around, but could see nothing. He looked left, right, centre, behind himself, below himself, but nothing was there to be seen. He smelt it was closer now, and he even saw flames. Have you noticed that videogame flames are too clear and distinctive to be anything other than a well-animated selection of ones and zeroes? Yes? Well, Cake hadn't, so this was all very real and threatening to him. He finally realised that there was one direction he hadn't looked in. Up. As he slowly craned his neck upwards, he expected the worst. He expected Dracula, a nuke heading his way, an evil leprechaun, George W. Bush, his enemy from High School (at the thought of the name Derek Shawshank redemption, our hero growled angrily) or, worse of all, the gay man from the plane and the magical helicopter. But what he saw was a helluva lot worse: it was the angry, irritating wannabe-spaceman advertised on the nearly indestructible door.

"Hello, Cake. I am…" He flew in an enormous circle over Cake's head, before flying off down another corridor, before landing and spraying fake flames everywhere. Our hero rolled out of the way into the next corridor, and into momentary safety.

"I am… The MILD IRRITANCE!" Cake heard the freak yell.

"Oh, damn…" Cake groaned. "Another wackjob from the Boa Unit…"

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Marvellous G: Wo-ho! Cake's got a bigger problem than bad light on his hands now. Tune in next time for the battle against the Mild Irritance! Please review, same as always. See ya!


	26. Chapter 26:Burning Up In More Than 1 Way

Marvellous G: Summer hols are nearly over, but Cake isn't feeling cold yet! gets shot for bad pun regains life again So, enjoy the conclusion of the Mild Irritance fight! But, before I begin the chap, note that I have done up the first nine chapters with proper formatting and paragraph breaks, just so you know...

**Disclaimer:** Metal Gear ist nicht meinem. (Translation: Metal Gear isn't mine.)

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**Chapter Twenty-Six: Burning Up, In More Than One Way...**

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Cake looked around frantically in an attempt to see his new adversary. But, alas, he could not. As he was about to burst into nervous tears, however, The Mild Irritance (who we'll now refer to as TMI) flew up behind him. As he was about to squirt our hero with rocket fuel, Cake wailed and held out both arms in front of his face, forming a cross.

"WAIT!" He screamed. TMI paused, looking bemused. "I demand that you tell me how you are flying before you kill me!" Our hero yelled. TMI stopped to think, before turning to our hero.

"Alright. I suppose it _is _your final wish..."

"Thank you," Cake nodded.

"Well," TMI began, clearly relishing the fact that somebody finally cared about the workings of his gimp-suit. "I have a rocket-propelled jetpack strapped onto me, you see..." As TMI rambled, Cake nodded showing fake interest. At least, that's what he started off doing. As TMI got more and more indulged in his tale, he stopped looking at Cake and began gesturing to various parts of his costume. Cake used this opportunity to sneak into another corridor. Unfortunately for the wannabe spaceman, by the time TMI noticed this, Cake was right behind him holding an RPG-7.

"ARRGGHH!" TMI screamed, as Cake laughed manaically and pulled the trigger. But TMI was brainier than the other Boas, and jet-packed out of the way of the enormous projectile. It exploded as it hit the far-away wall, causing yet more fake flames to appear. But neither combatant could spare a stare (I'm a poet and I didn't know it!), as they were both locked in a hardcore flamethrower-to-pistol battle. As Cake rolled out of the way of each burst of fire, he fired off a couple of shots in the general direction of the laughter. But TMI managed to dodge most of the shots, and even when he couldn't his gimp-suit absorbed most of the pain and most of the impact.

"Burn, baby, burn!" TMI cackled as he sprayed yet another corridor with flames. He wandered around spraying fire into other corridors for a while, until he realised he hadn't been shot at for a suspiciously long time. He scanned the burning arena for the soldier, but couldn't see him. As he looked up, he saw Cake falling from one of the pipes of the ceiling onto him.

"CAKE BATTLE!" Our hero roared, and proceeded to stab wildly around with his Wombat Knife (no typo: the handle was in the shape of a Combat Wombat™) "NUMA NUMA IEI!" Cake yelled, using the ancient battle cry to give him strength. Despite the fact that TMI had been stabbed in the face about forty times by now, he still managed to spray Cake with a helluva lot of fake fire.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Cake screamed, and shot wildly in all directions in a rubbish attempt at putting out his burning Choco Chip uniform. Luckily for him, one of his shots hit one of the pipes stuck to the ceiling, which showered him with sweet wetness. But all of this took time, time which TMI had used to fly up to the ceiling and charge his jet-pack. As Cake saw this, he realised a deadly attack was imminent.

"Three... Two... One... **BLAST OFF!**" He flew at our hero at lightning speed (well, jogging speed) but was shocked as he saw our hero casually sidestepping out of the way of the attack. He crashed into the wall headfirst, and was knocked unconscious instantly.

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When he woke up he was staring don the barrell of an M1911a1. As he attempted to move his arms, he found that they were bound together with a bit of pipe that Cake had bent.

"Umm... Okay, you win. I'll go home," TMI tried.

"Nuh-uh," Cake responded smugly. "Give me that flamethrower and I'll let you go."

"I can't: you've tied me up," TMI pointed out.

"Oh yeah!" Cake said, genuinely shocked. He leant over and untied the wannabe cosmonaut. As soon as he was free, TMI laughed evilly.

"MWU-HA-HA!" He was about to burn Cake badly, but our hero had, miraculously, been expecting that.

"NUMA NUMA IEI!" Cake screamed, and fired off a whole clip of AK-47 fire (_actual bullets_ this time!) at TMI helmet. Needless to say, the would-be Boba Fett was vanquished. Or, put better, down. But _not out._

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As Cake was marching out of the door at the back of the modern (or technically 1960s style) labyrinth, he thought he heard something move behind him. He dismissed it mentally, and walked on. But then he heard it again. This time, he looked around and saw a fiery, disembodied head flying towards him.

"I am the ghost of Christmases Past!" It yelled, and flew towards our hero. Then, it stopped dead in it's tracks, and reconsidered it's statement. "No, wait, I am the... I am the spirit of The Mild Irritance!" It roared, and resumed it's deadly flight. Cake laughed, dumbly.

"Ha! That's so unbelievable it's actually funny!" Our hero turned towards the door once more, and this time, he walked straight out. The spirit was left standing alone.

"Awwww, _damn. _He saw through me..." The spirit clearly didn't realise that this was technically a bad pun, as it was transparent. It looked concerned for a moment, before flying back into it's host, TMI.

"Aaaaaahhh..." The wannabe Cosmonaut aighed happily as he woke up. "Well, I have been defeated, so I must randomly fly into the atmosphere and burn up," TMI declared, before setting up his jetpack to do just that. He then took a tape out of his pocket.

"I've _always _wanted to use this!" He said, before playing it. It had random mumblings from the Soviet mission control room. And with that, TMI flew up into the atmosphere, through the ceiling, with a smile on his face all the while.

"To infinity... And be-YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNDDD!"

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Marvellous G: Well, that was a nice chap to write, as it was the first of mine to have a real, proper, fight scene in it. Was it any good? Well, please review and tell me your thoughts! Also, thanks to Miri for her review! Okay, see you next time! Ciao!


	27. Chapter 27 : Gothy Chav

Marvellous G: Hello again, and it's time for chapter 27! Thanks to Pinkpopi for all of your reviews, and I'm considering where to use 'Have a Nice Day' right now. Thanks to Topaz Talyn and Miri as always gives all three cookies and thanks to basically everybody who has reviewed so far! Now, on with the chap...

**Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear or the Shagohod. Or the series...**

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**Chapter Twenty-Seven: Gothy Chav**

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Cake climbed up the ladder and kicked open the hatch at the top. He then realised that he had taken his feet off of the ladder in order to do this, and fell to the floor in a crumpled heap. When he next got up, he carefully nudged the hatch with his head in order to gain entrance. When he _finally_ did, he found himself standing in an enormous open space, with snow falling down like a million tiny fairies. Cake didn't stop to ponder why there was snow in August, and continued on his way...

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Five minutes later, our hero was in an area with a few enormous crates. He used his sixth sense to determine the exact position of a guard whom he couldn't see. As he pounced out at where he thought his victim was standing, he ran into the wall a few meters in front of his would-be target. The guard didn't react for a moment, but then he strolled up to Cake and peered at the man on the floor. Cake decided if it was better if he just played dead, but then he realised just how cold it was out. He felt his nose twitch. He panicked. He couldn't hold it any longer. The guard sensed movement, however little, and leant in further. He began sniffing Cake.

"AAAA-… **CHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"** Cake roared, sneezing hard enough to kill a man. Which he did. His cold had defeated his adversary, however unorthodox his method was. He strolled onwards, until he reached the main complex that was Gothy Chav. Three enormous buildings loomed over him like colossi. He whimpered a little, before realizing that his intimidators were inanimate objects. With renewed confidence, Cake marched in to Gothy Chav's East Wing, all the wall being shot at and missed by several inaccurate guards.

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Raikov strolled cockily through the East Wing, saluting guards who instantly saluted back. An overconfident smirk swept over his face as he stepped into the library. Every scientist in his way cowered and fled. As he stepped into the empty area with bookcases and lockers galore, he was suddenly grabbed from behind. Cake poked him thirty-eight times in the chest with his index finger, which was all it took to knock Raikov unconscious. Cake laughed manaically, and began switching his clothes for Raikov's uniform. When he was finished, he randomly decided to call Eva.

"Hey, Cake, how's it goin'?" She said chirpily.

"I just stole Raikov's clothes, but what about my face?" Cake asked anxiously.

"Hmmm... That could be a problem..." Eva mused, before coming to a decision. "Oh well. The guards there are pretty dumb. They'll just mindlessly obey and salute you, no matter what you do."

"What if I kill one of them, or something like that?" Cake asked, not bothering to disguise the eagerness in his voice.

"Meh, it should be fine," Eva said brightly. A look of joy came over Cake's face.

"Really!"

"Yeah, go crazy, I guess... Eva out." Cake was greeted yet again with that all-too-familiar static that comes after somebody is sick of the sound of your voice.

"Oh well," he shrugged, and mentally acknowledged the fact that he was now able to randomly beat up Russian men in inappropriate camoflauge.

"It's a dream come true..." Cake thought.

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Raikov marched through the halls of the East and West Wings, trying to keep a straight face. He walked up to a guard and saluted. As he was saluted back, he suddenly punched the guard in the nuts. So, t'was not Raikov, then: t'was Cake.

"HA!" Cake chortled loudly. So loudly, in fact, that two other guards heard him and rushed up, eager to be of assistance.

"What happened, Sir?" They asked, hinting that they were seriously underpaid if they were this eager.

"Ermmmmm… Nothing?" Cake tried.

"Okay, Sir!" The guards yelled in unison. Just before they ran back to their posts again, however, Cake took them both out with a sweep of the arm. After this, he stopped in order to have a laughing fit. When he had regained his admittedly limited composure, he strolled to his destination: the West Wing Corridor. When he arrived, he saw Molotov and Tatanya, whom he only knew as the chick from the helicopter, having a conversation. Well, it was getting pretty heated, as Tatanya seemed to be threatening Molotov with what looked like some lipstick…

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"Here, take it!" Molotov said frantically. He handed her a roll of film.

"Hey, but, like, what about the Thinker's Will, maaaaan?" Tatanya drawled.

"I don't know anything about that, except that it has a stupid parody of a decent name!" Molotov said indignantly.

"PAH!" Tatanya scoffed, and leaned in with the lipstick.

"Why are you threatening me with cheap make-up?" Molotov asked, not at all worried.

"Ahhh…" Tatanya sighed knowingly. "This, you see, is the lipstick of doom™ (yep, EA got there…)!" Tatanya boomed out.

"AAAGH!" Molotov screamed. "Okay, okay! Only Colonel Molting knows about the Will! HONEST!" This was, apparently, good enough for Tatanya, who promptly strolled out. Molotov stood, head in his hands, for a moment, before Cake marched into the room.

"Hey, Molly, let's go!"

"We cannot…" Molotov said, not at all surprised by our hero's sudden entrance. "Stepping Doom's phase two is complete."

"OH NOES!" Cake cried out. "Wait, what is phase two?"

"Well…" Molotov began.

_**Five hours later…**_

"So, you see, they demanded a weapon that could launch a nuclear missile directly into the American homeland. That is when I came up with the idea for Phase 2. Cake?" He finished. Cake snorted, and then woke up.

"Uhhh, yes…" Cake said. '_Note to self: never ask a boffin anything about his inventions' workings…'_ "So, umm, what do we do?" Cake asked dumbly.

"You tell me, dumbo," Molotov said coldly.

"Well, errm…" Cake struggled. "We could, uhh, blow up the prototype and the facility before it can be mass-produced?"

"That could actually work…" Molotov mused, looking surprised at such a plan from a man with such limited intelligence. But before either of the men had time to elaborate, there was the distinct sound of extravagant boots stomping on the defenceless floor. Cake immediately covered his face with a box he had found, a millisecond before Colonel Molting strolled in.

"Major? I've been waiting for you!" Molting… _revealed_.

"Now _that's_ questionable!" Cake couldn't help himself from scoffing. At this, Molting strode towards our hero and, suddenly, grabbed his… bits. Cake couldn't hide his snigger, and as Molting stepped back he seemed to be grinning too.

"So, good as always, Major." At this, Cake burst out laughing.

"IMPOSTER!" Molotov snitched; pointing at Cake's boxed head.

"What?" Molting demanded.

"Well, what I just said. _Duh…"_ Molotov said in a mock-chav voice. Molting marched over to Cake and pulled the box off of his head. As he saw Cake's face grinning awkwardly at him, he gasped the gasp of a n00b.

"ZOMG!" Molting screamed, before T3h L33t strolled in.

"Oh my, it's Cake. Beat him up, et cetera; he's probably planning something, blah blah blah…" T3h L33t delivered her lines with typical levels of enthusiasm.

"Okay, then…" Molting said, looking bemused, before he started punching Cake just because a bad actress had told him to. The last thing Cake thought before the blackness consumed him was:

"I could really murder some Doritos right now…"

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Marvellous G: Well, that was a longer chapter than normal, and I hope it was any good. Please review and tell me so, and, until next time, have a good day!


	28. Chapter 28 : Ouch

Marvellous G: Hi-dee-hi! Thanks to everybody who reviewed, please continue to do so. Enjoy the chapter!

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**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Ouch**

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Cake woke up to a barrage of pokes and maniacal laughter.

"MWU-HA-HA!" Molting laughed, as he poked Cake about twenty times with an unsheathed biro.

"Owwwww!" Cake moaned. If this was meant to be torture, it was more annoying than painful.

"Don't you whine at me, CIA dog!" Molting retorted indignantly. At that moment, Cake heard the door open. New footsteps accompanied Molting's heavy boots thumping on the ground.

"You really don't get this 'torture' thing, do you?" Someone said, and Cake recognized the voice to be T3h L33t's.

"AAAGHHH! STOP IT! YOU'RE EVIL!" Yelled another female voice, which Cake guessed belonged to Tatanya.

"Oh, _shut up_! Quit whining!" Cake heard Car-Man say. It was only after identifying the people's voices that Cake realised that he was blind. Or maybe they'd put something over his head. He shook his head around rapidly, which Molting seemed to notice.

"Aaahhh… Having fun in my bag of doom, eh?" Molting sneered.

"What's so doomy about it?" Cake asked.

"It used to be full of Balamory merchandise," T3h L33t explained.

"DEAR LORD NO!" Cake screamed, and frantically tried to shake it off.

"It's no use, my friend," Molting laughed. "Now, who exactly are you working for?"

"You just said CIA dog yourself, isn't that a clue?" Cake asked, sounding confused.

"Shut up!" Molting shouted, and poked Cake again.

"Jeez, stop that!" Cake said, sounding more annoyed than anything else.

"Okay, what are you after?" Molting asked, poking Cake again. "Is it Stepping Doom? Molotov? Or…" He paused, presumably for dramatic effect. "Is it the _Thinker's Will?"_ Molting gasped at his own 'discovery', before poking our hero yet again.

"Okay, it's Stepping Doom, now can you just _stop doing that?_" Cake said irritably.

"WWAAA-HAARR!" Molting roared gleefully. "I, Molting, the master torturer, have done it again!" Everybody in the room (except Cake, whose hands were tied) clapped slowly and sarcastically. Molting didn't seem to notice this, however.

"Thank you, thank you," he bowed. He then poked Cake again out of spite, and noticed a small object that fell from our hero's body. He leant down and picked it up.

"What is this? A transmitter! Who put this here?" Molting demanded.

"I am," T3h L33t declared bravely, stepping forwards. "I put it there so that the Boa Unit could ambush him."

"That is an entirely likely reason, but for plot reasons I'm going to have to make you prove your loyalty to me," Molting conceded. "Cut out his eyes!" He then roared. T3h L33t shrugged.

"Sure. He's annoying me now, anyway," she said. Molting looked surprised, but tried not to show it. T3h L33t walked up to Cake and yanked the bag off of his head.

"Oh, _thank you…"_ Cake gasped, happy to be free of children's TV hell. But then, as her knife reached towards his face, a look of panic came across him.

"Hey, hey, _hey!_ L33ty, let's think of what we're doing here, okay?" He tried desperately. T3h L33t smirked, before moving the knife inch by dramatic inch closer to our hero's right eye.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tatanya yelled, going into slow motion as she dived at T3h L33t, bringing her to the floor. Then, everything went back to normal speed and the two women stood up and dusted themselves down.

"What was that for?" T3h L33t asked incredulously.

"He's suffered enough," Tatanya panted. T3h L33t shrugged again. "Fair enough, that torture looked brutal."

"Wait," Cat-Man said, stepping towards Tatanya menacingly. "I know that smell…" He mused, and sniffed in Tatanya's general direction.

"ZOMG PERV!" Tatanya gasped, and slapped him round the chops.

"I don't trust you…" Cat-Man said, and began randomly doing his Cocky-Revolver-Routine-Thingy™. Cake realised that the next shot Cat-Man fired would almost certainly be real, so he dived forwards in order to save Tatanya, who, by now, Cake had _finally_ realised to be Eva.

"Huh?" Cat-Man said, looking confused, as the shot discharged into Cake's eye.

"OWWWWWWWWW!" Cake screamed, his reactions for once being quick enough to realise when he was in pain.

"Dude, like, sorry!" Cat-Man said, looking shocked. Eva broke into tears, and Molting and T3h L33t laughed together as they left the room. Cat-Man followed soon after. Cake and Eva were left alone.

"Damn, Cat-Man and T3h L33t forgot their lines. She picked up the transmitter and a revolver off of the floor. She jammed the former into a wound in Cake's shoulder, and fired a shot from the latter into Cake's leg.

"Okay, there's a transmitter and a mysterious item in you now. You'll be taken into a cell. Find a way out, and go to the sewers. I'll contact you there with an escape route. Peace out!" She spluttered quickly, and left the room, leaving Cake alone, in pain and terribly confused.

"What the hell?" He found himself saying yet again.

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Marvellous G: Sorry if that was basically one long paragraph, but I thought it made for a nice interlude between main events. Please review as always, and, also, has anybody figured out which game Mr. Chainsaw from a few chapters ago is from? It's not that hard! C'mon, have a guess! Anyway, until next time, in the words of Eva, peace out!


	29. Chapter 29 : That Seems Familiar

Marvellous G: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and to Pinkpopi, a n00b is a newb, or a 'new boy'. Basically it's an idiot who tries to look intelligent. Also, yes, that was the crazy chainsaw guy from Resident Evil 4. What a game... Now, on with the Fugitive rip-off chapter! W00t!

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**Chapter Twenty-Nine: That Seems Familiar...**

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Cake sat grumpily of his cell, trying to figure out a way of escaping. His guard was called Johnny Sasaki, and at least he seemed nice. But that didn't help the fact that Cake was only half-clothed with only an empty revolver and some rats (oh, and a fork) to keep him company.

"Uhh, Johnny?" Cake called to his guard. Johnny came rushing up.

"Yeah, Cake?" He said, trying hard not to snigger at our hero's codename.

"Can you let me go?" Cake asked in an unhopeful monotone.

"Nuh-uh, pal. No can do," Johnny said, relishing this newfound authority of his.

"Can you let me out now, _please_?" Cake asked evilly, pointing the empty SAA at Johnny.

"GASP!" Johnny gasped, not realising that the gun was empty. "Okay, okay," he conceded, and proceeded (hey, what a rhyme!) to unlock the cell door. As soon as he was out, Cake set to work on subduing his captor.

"NUMA NUMA IEI!" He screamed, and leapt at Mr. Sasaki with the fork.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHH!" Johnny screamed out helplessly, before being eaten alive by a starved Cake. The man, that is, not the food cake.

_**Five minutes later...**_

"Aaaahhh," Cake sighed happily, stepping up from the canniballistic scene. He heard a ringing in his ear. It was his radio. He answered cautiously.

"Hello?" Cake said slowly.

"OH MY GOSH, CAKE! YOU'RE A CANNIBAL!" Chute-Doctor screamed.

"No I'm no- Wait a second, how could you see what I was doing?"

"Not important," CD said firmly. "But, how could you do that? That poor man!" CD started sobbing.

"Okay, Chute-Doctor, I'm gonna be honest with you," Cake said, lowering his voice and looking around anxiously. "The guy was evil. He only fed me rats and revolvers for years!" Cake wailed.

"But, you were only in there for a few min-" CD said, sounding confused.

"That's not important either," Cake said irritably. "The bottom line is, he deserved it, okay?"

"O-okay..." CD said quietly, before signing off.

"_Phew_," Cake said, clearly glad to escape such a grilling. And with that, he headed for the sewers.

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Despite the fact it was relatively uncommon to see a half-naked man running around the base, none of the Gothy Chav guards looked twice at Cake as he hurtled towards the sewers. Even the guard dogs seemed to acknowledge and allow his presence. But Cake didn't notice this. In his mind, he was Matrix-dodging a continuous hail of bullets, ruthlessly dispatching anybody that dared to get in his way with his deadly (in the right hands, at least. Cake's weren't) fork. When he finally reached the sewer entrance, he looked (in his mind at least) incredibly macho, with bullet wounds and cuts everywhere. Too bad it wasn't actually real... Anyway, he dived down the ladder and into the sewers. He was reaching for his radio to call Eva, when she did, impossibly, know that he was in the sewers and calle him first.

"Hey, Cake, now that you're in the sew-" She began, before being interrupted by our hero.

"Wait, how did _you_ know that I'm in the sewers now?"

"Ummm... I don't know, how do I know?" Eva responded craftily.

"Huh?" Cake uttered.

"_Exactly,_" Eva said, as if this was the key to all. "So, anyway, make your way to the exit and I'll somehow meet you there. 'Kay, byeeeeee!" She signed off. Cake looked confused, but continued, as instructed, to the exit. As he got closer and the light brighter, he heard footsteps behind him. He turned around to see the entire Cat-Man Unit, headed by Major Cat-Man himself, closing in on him. Cake dismissed this as his wishful thinking again, but realised that it was real as several AK-47s targeted his face. He turned around to face them.

"Er, hello, lads. Nice day for it," Cake began, being careful not to specify what 'it' was.

"Okay, shut up now," Cat-Man said bluntly. Cake looked at his shoes, blushing. "You won't escape this time!" He declared, and pointed his SAAs at our hero's head.

"YIKES!" Cake said, and, without a second thought, back-flipped off of the edge of the sewers and into the flowing river below. Everything went into slow motion at that exact moment. Cat-Man sprinted towards the edge and fired several times at where he thought Cake was, all in dramatic slo-mo.

"CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" He yelled, again in so-mo. Then everything went back to normal speed. The other Cat-Man were looking at each other, complete awe showing on their faces.

"I saw Harrison Ford do that in that film, the, uhhh... What was it called?" One asked excitedly.

"Oooh, it was called _The Fugitive!_ I saw that, too!" Didn't you love the bit where-"

"_Shut up!"_ Major Cat-Man ylled coldly, listening out for the signal that Cake had landed. It was then that he heard it.

_**Plop.**_

"I'll get you one day, Naked Cake..." Cat-Man said, a reluctant grin coming over his face.

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Marvellous G: Well, I hoped you liked that ripo- That chapter... Sorry for the relatively short length, but, well, meh... I just wanted to get to the next boss fight quickly... wink wink Anyway, please review as always, and, until next time, byeeeeeeeeeeeee...


	30. Chapter 30 : The Indifference

Marvellous G: As this is the final day of my Summer Hols, say goodbye to continuous updates for a while. So, please savour this chapter as it may be the last for a few days. Enjoy!

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**Chapter Thirty: The Indifference**

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Cake awoke to the sound of rushing water. He stood up and saw that he was in a lake, still half naked and with the empty SAA. He looked around and saw that all the trees off to the side were on fire.

"What the hell?" He asked aloud.

"BOO!" A deep voice rang out, causing our hero to jump about five feet into the air.

"Dammit!" He yelled angrily as he got up, looking around for his tormentor. And that was when he saw him. A creepy old guy (no, not That Old Guy) was smirking at him. He held a pistol, but looked almost transparent. And, oh yeah, he was floating.

"Yuck… Who the hell are you?" Cake said, gesturing at the guy's bad haircut.

"I… Am The Indifference," he proclaimed in that same deep voice. Cake was silent for a moment, as if expecting there was more to this name. When he realised that this was not to be, he piped up again.

"Uhh, great name…" Cake said sarcastically.

"Sooooooo indifferent…" The Indifference suddenly cooed. "This world is full of 'mehs', and I am just one of them. You can hear them, crying out that they do not care. And you," at this point, he pointed an accusatory finger at Cake. "Have caused so much of that! Dare you face your victims!" The Indifference boomed out.

"Uhh, yeah?" Cake replied. The Indifference threw his head back and laughed evilly at this.

"Enjoy your suffering, Naked… CAKE!" The Indifference flew off to the other end of the river. For a second, nothing happened. But then, Cake caught sight of several… Figures… Drifting towards him through the water. He recognized the first as… Johnny Sasaki! It was at that moment that Cake realised that something was seriously messed up here.

"ZOMG! ZOMBIES!" Was his reaction to the philosophical and thought-provoking events that were unfolding right before his eyes. Suddenly, Johnny the Zombie lunged at him.

"Yowch!" Cake yelped. "If I had some sort of magical bar that represented how much stamina I had, I'm sure it would just have gone down…" Our hero mused. Suddenly, he remembered all of his support teams' going on about 'breaking the fourth wall' and all that, and so he decided to call Blecle.

"CAAAAKKKKEEEEEE!" Was the unnerving response he got for his troubles. He dismissed it as him not talking to Blecle as much as the others, and so he decided to call Chute Doctor.

"Cake? CAKE? CAAAAAKKKKKEEE!" Came the similar answer. By now, our hero was seriously freaked out. He decided his only option was to follow The Indifference down to the other end of the river, and he began on his quest by punching Johnny the Zombie in the face. He disappeared in a poof of smoke.

"ALL RIGHT!" Cake yelled happily, and proceeded down the river, punching various zombies along the way.

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When Cake reached the end of the river, he saw what looked like a dead version of The Indifference. This was made all the more confusing by the fact that a live version of the same man was hovering above his own corpse.

"Sooooooo meh…" He said sadly, and began to cry blood. And that was the moment that Cake died. A screen with the words Game Over, Continue and Quit appeared. Cake was about to dive into the 'Continue' void, but just as he was in mid-air he was contacted on his radio. The Caller ID said Hideo Kojima.

"Cake, I've been looking for you. I don't know if you're ready to see what I want to show you, but unfortunately you and I have run out of time. They're coming for you, Cake, and I don't know what they're going to do."

"Who are coming for me?" Cake demanded.

"The fan boys. Listen, you can take the Continue Pill and everything will go back to normal, or you can take the Revival Pill to see how deep the rabbit- sorry, game hole, goes. What will it be?" Hideo asked hurriedly.

"Uhh…" Cake responded with his usual incomprehension, looking around wildly. Suddenly, he saw an army of Metal Gear fan boys (me included) charging at him from the other end of the river.

"I'm sorry cake, but I have to go now. Whichever choice you make, I wish you the best of luck. Morph- Hideo Kojima, out." And with hat, the mystery caller signed off. Cake vaguely remembered the name from outside Geeky Dorky, but immediately lost this thought process as he concentrated on the obsessive mob charging towards him. He didn't need Mr. Kojima to call him twice for him to take the Revival Pill…

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Marvellous G: I hope you liked the obvious film reference there. Please review, and if Rachel A is reading this, your line was used here. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, and please continue to do so. Until next time, peace out!


	31. Chapter 31 : An Embarassing Interlude

Marvellous G: YES! It's finally the weekend! So, it's time for another update. And thanks to Topaz Talyn for the reviews, I've added the crotch grab now, but there wasn't much to parody as it was pretty much a parody itself. Thanks to Miri for her in-depth review (weird how anonymous works...) and to Rachel A for hers, too. Thanks to all of you guys, and please, keep reviewing! Now, to the chapter...

**Disclaimer: I do not own Metal Gear, Krispy Kreme, the Simpsons or your laptop.**

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**Chapter Thirty-One: An Embarassing Interlude...**

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Cake drifted, miraculously, to the exact point where Eva was meant to meet him. But there was a problem: our hero was underwater, and had been for about half an hour. After his brief sojourn into the world of the dead (ooh, that sounded good!), Cake suddenly spluttered. He had, stupidly, apparently not taken in _any_ water in the whole _half hour_ that he had been under. Ask Kojima, not me... Anyway, as soon as Cake awoke, he actually started drowning. He swam to the surface as fast as he could, which I do, reluctantly, admit is pretty damn fast. When he surfaced, he paused and looked around theatrically, hand on his brow as if he was actually looking for something. Now, time for some poetic description. The golden sun bathed the grassy area in a heavenly light, making even the darkest shrubs shine out like fireflies. End irritating descriptive style. Anyway, as Cake marched along to the supposed rendezvous point, not stopping to realise how low the odds were fo him drifting to wihin a few metres of it, he caught sight of a black coat. Then, just as he was about to inspect his new find more closely, something in his back beeped.

'_The transmitter!'_ Cake panicked, his puny brain somehow making the connection. He quickly formed a shky plan, and pu it into action. He ripped the thing out of his back, now without a good few yelps of pain, and threw it into the river. The instant it landed, four million, seven hundred thousand, three hundred and eighty-two Cat-Men pounced (pounced? Cats? Geddit?) onto the small dot that was now floating around in the water. Cake wondered why they hadn't employed Major Cat-Man to do this noble job, but dismissed the thought as he crept, unnoticed, past the squealing army of Ocelot-wannabes, to behind the waterfall...

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As Cake waited behind the waterfall, he was getting bored. He started humming, but got bored of that laughably quickly too. Just as he was about to step outside and quench his boredom with some Cat-Man killin', he heard a loud noise. A _very_ loud noise. A moment later, Eva and her bike cut through the wall of water and landed on Cake. As Eva confidently de-mounted her dearly beloved (are you lis-teeeen-ing?) she scanned the horizone worriedly for our hero and the bane of her mission.

"Cake?" she called out, anxiety written all over her face. "CAKE! CAAAKE! **CAAAAAAAAAAAAKEEEEEEEEE!"**

"Gi'm deer," came a muffled response.

"Huh?" This confused Eva even more.

"GI'M DEER!" Came the same reply.

"Uhhh, Grime, dear?" Eva sked, menatlly unscrambling this cipher.

"**GI'M DEER!"** Cake yelled. At this, Eva looked under her bike. She saw Cake sprawled there, the front wheel on his head, impairing his speech.

"Don't worry, Cake, I've got it!" She called out, and sat on her bike again. As she revved up the engine, Cake had one last desperate try at stopping her.

"Gate, mow!" Now, if Eva had been listening, she would probably have de ciphered this as 'Wait, no!' But, alas, with the engine roaring over everything, all she heard was, 'Yeah, go!' And so, with Cake's 'approval', she started up the engine. Now, the intelligent way to proceed at this poit would have been to _reverse_ over Cake, therefore only causing _one_ wheel's worth of damage. However, Eva liked doing things her own way, so she steered the bike carefully _forwards_ over our hero, ergo, making him eat rubber twice. Two painful times. When she was done, she looked back at Cake, who was now Looney Toons-style pancake thin. She shot him once in the arm, causing him to scream and unflatten.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS ALL OF THAT! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!" He screamed. When he stood up properly, Eva couldn't help but laugh at all of the tyre marks on him. Cake gave her the evils, so she used the powers of her mind to make the screen fade into blackness.

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Cake was still playing Mr. Grumpy even when he had the opportunity to get in on some action with Eva, as they were both sitting by a lovely, toasty, bonfire. Eva was wearing... Well, she was wearing the underwear that Cake had glimpsed all that time ago in Rassvet. As he tucked in on some cake, he kept hearing the word 'cannibal' being whispered all around him. Anyway, Eva crawled over to him suggestively. Just as it dawned on Cake that life wasn't so bad, Eva produced some C3 from, seemingly, out of nowhere.

"Cake, here's another batch. DON'T EAT IT THIS TIME. You can go back to the East Wing Weapons lab, and then set all of these on the rokcet fuel thingies, or whatever they are. Got it?"

"Uh huh. Hey, look, a butterfly!" He squealed with girlish delight, and reached out to grab it. His bad eye caused him to miss. Eva laughed, but then quickly smothered it with her hands. Cake chose to ingore her childish outburst, and began his dreary monologue.

"I can still fight, I can still shoot a gun!" He began, gesturing to his eye whilst looking at Eva.

"Oh, what, that? Ha-ha, nooooo, it's fine!" She said unconvincingly.

"You can shut up now," Cake said in an angry monotone.

"I think I'll take that option," Eva whispered, sounding embarassed.

"Anywaym where's my kit?" Cake asked.

"But you told me to-" Eva spluttered.

"Where's my kit, Eva?" Cake asked pleasantly.

"Hmph..." Eva grumbled, and tossed a bag over to Cake. He checked it, and found everything except his Dairy Milk bar.

"Hey! Did you eat that?" He demanded angrily.

"Well, I was hung-ryyyy..." Eva whined.

"I was saving that for chapter Thirty-Two!" Cake wailed. "Oh well, let's get some sleep..."

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Cake woke up to the sound of clicking. He looked up in a daze to see Eva taking various pictures of him.

"Wassat for?" He asked tiredly.

"Oh, err, security!" Eva said, quickly hiding the as-of-yet uninvented trillion pixel camera that she had got from the Mafia when she was four.

"Well, bye Cake!" She said hurriedly, and jumped onto her bike. "You can get to Gothy Chav by going up that ladder!" She pointed to somewhere behind Cake, and, in the instant that he was looking away, drove off at 120mph. Now _that's_ accelleration for you.

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Marvellous G: Well, that is that. Please keep reviewing, and, on an end note, does anyone know why FanFiction's word count says I have about twenty less words than Microsoft Word's word count? Oh well, byeeee!


	32. Chapter 32 : Are They The Waiting?

Marvellous G: Well, it's finally time for another update. Sorry that it's taken so long, but I've been practising (real) guitar, and doing homework, so on and so forth. So, please enjoy this eventual update. I've had more time to think about it, so it might be better than my usual rubbish. Enjoy!

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**Chapter Thirty-Two: Are They the Waiting?**

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Cake toddled about behind the waterfall for a long time after Eva left, wondering what to do. Sure, she had told him to go to Gothy Chav again, and, although he didn't want to after his last time there (Cake shuddered at the thought of Molting's brutal poking), he knew he had to. For Eva, for America, and for... his pay cheque... But, anyway, he noticed that there was a passage leading out of the back of the chamber. He took it. He felt like he was actually getting somewhere as he saw a ladder looming in the distance. He had tried to shake the thought of _that _ladder out of his mind, but he shuddered (again) at the thought of 'Jacob'. But, when he climbed up the ladder to the top, he saw a hatch. Now, that would seem normal, but when he shoved it, it was stuck fast. And hatches in video games were _never_ shut. Except now, of course.

"Dammit..." Cake grumbled, and jumped down from the top rung to the floor below. He twisted an ankle upon impact.

_Meanwhile, above the hatch..._

The lorry driver sung along to his Barbie CD happily as he reversed into his space. He didn't stop to ponder how he had come upon a CD before they were even invented, and he didn't stop to question his heterosexuality as he listened to a song that was primarily associated with the word 'pink'. All he knew was that he was a,

"Barbie girl, in a Barbie woooo-ooorld! I'm so plastic, it's fantastic!" He reversed carefully in, also not noticing the hatch that he was driving onto...

_Meanwhile, back with our 'hero'..._

Cake was wondering why the _hell_ he could hear the Barbie theme tune in his head, and he was also wondering about the fact that the hatch was shut. But the former concern was more disturbing, he thought. Anyway, he had decided that the Barbie thing was being played by the Indifference just to creep him out, and that the hatch was probably being stood on by a laughin T3h L33t as he spoke. So, he was left with no other option but to call the Major.

**RING-RING.**

"Yo, Major, I need some he-"

"ZOMG, Cake! You're alll-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! WOO-PEE!"

"Uhh, thanks?" Cake said, a familiar look of complete and utter incomprehension sweeping, yet again, across his confused face. But that was before he remembered the call before he 'fought' the Indifference.

"Ooooooooooh, yeah! Oh, that was nothing. But, WAIT! Why the hell didn't you answer me?" Our hero demanded angrily.

"'Cause you were _drowing_?" The Major replied as if this were obvious.

"Oh, just, just _forget it._" Cake said angrily, eager to drop the sunject of his supposed death. "What I was _going_ to say was, how do I get back to Gothy Chav?"

"You _want_ to!" The Major asked, sounding horrified. "After all that they did to you, after Molting poked you to half-death, after you got chased by men with names relating to wildlife, after you had to copy an excellent film badly? After ALL OF THAT!" Nought screamed, before hyperventilating.

"Yes, yes, I know," Cake responded irritably. "But I have to, for the mission."

"Well, okay, okay... but don't you dare say I didn't warn you when you get captured and killed!"

"Don't say things like that!" Cake sobbed, sounding mortified at realising the dangers of returning to Gothy Chav. "Just, just," he sniffed. "Just tell me how to get there..."

"Well... Fine..." Nought said uncomfortably. "There should be a hatch-"

"No."

"Huh?" Nought asked, sounding confused.

"No, I tried that. T3h L33t's standing on it so I can't get up, and the Indifference is sending Barbie songs to my brain. So, the hatch is a no-no."

"Who's the Indiff-"

"Google it," Cake said coolly.

"What's Goog-"

"Wiki it," Cake said, masterfully anticipating all of the Major's questions.

"What's Wiki?"

"Ask Blecle."

"What's Ble-"

"He's the guy that YOU hired for the support team and has no purpose in the game except to set up n00bish theories about him being (Cake puton an Elrond voice for this bit) _Mister Anderson..._ And for him to tell me about that creepy dream he had. Okay? So how the hell do I get to Gothy Chav!" Cake roared, out of breath after his breakdown.

"Okay, Cake. Just sit down for a hit, and I'll tell you."

"What! A hit? Who's gonna hit me!" Cake panicked again.

"Calm down again. It was a typo." The Major said calmly. Cake let out a sigh of relief. "Okay, try going back the way you came."

"Well, that seems reasonable," Cake said slowly, forgetting the hundred metre drop he had taken. With that, he signed off, and skipped back to the log that was put by game designers to stop people going back. He skipped over it, and began the long swim back to the sewers...

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Now, standing before the sewers, he _had_ realised the problem. He frantically called the Major, still not fully recovered from his nervous breakdown.

"ZOMG, MAJOR! There's a hundred foot waterfall that I need to ascend! Help..."

"Okay, again, Cake, just calm down! I've got an Action Replay here, so I'll-"

"A _what?"_ Cake asked, in a fashion disturbingly familair to the last paragraph's conversation.

"Google it. Anyways, I'll enable moon jump for you."

"I understand none of that, but I'm judging by your tone that it'll help me climb a hundred metres instantly."

"It will," the Major said confidently. "Just jump normally, and you'll be fine." And with that, he signed off. Cake took a deep breath, and jumped.

_Meanwhile, in the mission control room..._

"What happens if he makes it?" Blecle asked excitedly.

"No one makes the first jump," the Major said, although the look on his face said otherwise. Behind the pair, Chute-Doctor was rapidly whispering,

"Come on, Neo- Uhh, Cake... Come on, Cake..." Everbody continued to do this for five minutes, before they realised that Cake still hadn't jumped.

"Uhhh, Cake?" The Major said into his mouth piece, as he called Cake.

"Yeah?" Our hero answered.

"Well, um, why haven't you jumped yet?"

"Dude, I'm preparing to jump up a hundred metre waterfall! I need preparation time."

"Well, too bad. We've waited long enough. Right guys?" Nought looked around at Blecle and CD, who both nodded their agreement.

"On a one, two, ONE TWO THREE FOUR!" The Major yelled, and all three linked arms and marched out of the control centre, singing.

"_Starry nights, city lights, coming down over uuuuuussss!"_ They marched briskly across the globe, on their way to Russia, singing all the while.

"_Skyscrapers, stargazers, in our heads! Are we, **WE ARE!** Are we, **WE ARE** the waaaaaiiiitttttin' unknown? The rage and love, story of our lives! The Jesus of Suburbia is a lie!" _As they reached Cake, they carried on singing. Now, this freaked our hero out, so he immediately jumped away from the crazies, the moon jump taking effect as he soared back into Gothy Chav.

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Marvellous G: I hope you enjoyed that chap, as it was... Interesting... To write. And, to all of you uneducated when it comes to the best bands in the world, that song at the end is 'Are We The Waiting' by the truly marvellous Green Day. Please review, and I'll see you (well, write to you) next time. And, to Trigger Happy77, I don't like chavs as such, I just like to watch them fumble around in their own incompetence at everything. And, with that... Byyyyeee!


	33. Chapter 33 : Fly, My Pretty

Marvellous G: Ahh, it's good to be back. I'm sorry I haven't updated for so long, but the homework's being piled on thick and fast this year. So, again, please enjoy this chapter. And to Pinkpopi, sure, I'd love to read your story. If it's an original (not based on anything else) may I recommend FictionPress? Anyway, on with the chap!

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**Chapter Thirty-Three: Fly, My Pretty...**

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Cake was in love with moon-jumping. He'd seen people that didn't quite look real (much like himself) moon jumping on YouTube all the time, but he hadn't even imagined how it might feel to actually _do it_. And it was incredible. Every time his feet left the ground, he found himself soaring hundreds of metres into the air. He felt the air blowing his well-animated bandana backwards, and he almost lost it a few times. But, he clung on. In the end, he wouldn't care if he lost it, this feeling was worth it. But, eventually, after literally a few _days_ of jumping around, he got his head together and decided to go to Gothy Chav. This time, he just jumped straight into the locker room, the stupidly designed glass roof breaking upon our hero's impact. He landed right in front of a certain locker which seemed familiar. He opened it gingerly, and had to stifle a laugh/scream as he saw Raikov fall out. He was naked from where Cake had stripped him, and Cake determinedly turned his head away from… his _things,_ and lifted him back into the locker. He had another feeling about two lockers along, and opened it to find a hovering, rotating green package (if anybody knows why all Metal Gear pickups are like this, please tell me!) which did, according to the accompanying floating text, contain a maintenance uniform. Cake stupidly thought that this was of no use, and got bored. He decided to call Eva after another few moon jumps, and she wasn't pleased…

"Hey, Eva, how do I actually place all of that 'C whatever number it was' stuff? I'll be spotted, and those exclamation points above the guards' heads creep me out, big time…"

"_Damn_, Cake! You had me worried! You haven't called in days!" She yelped sadly.

"Uhh, sorry… I was moon-jumping… A lot…"

"Hell, it was a lot! _Four days!_ I was worried sick! And, worse of all, the Stepping Doom's nearly finished! You have to plant the C3 today!"

"But that's my point," Cake said bitterly. "I don't know how to do that without being spotted!"

"Well…" Eva said, suddenly going into 'character-that's-about-to-give-you-a-hint' mode. "There _is _a maintenance uniform in one of the lockers there…"

"Oh, yeah, that…" Cake said dismissively. "But how's that gonna help me?"

"Well…" Eva began slowly, as if she were talking to an idiot. Wait, why am I saying 'as if'?

"The maintenance officers are allowed into the Weapons Hangar, and that's where Stepping Doom is… _DUH_!" She yelled triumphantly. Cake hung up, and reluctantly took the uniform in the locker in front of him.

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Cake strolled casually through the hangar, whistling as he went. You could call him overly apprehensive, but he doubted that guards would think nothing of a bandana wearing, eye patch sporting, mullet wielding, secret agent in a poor fitting blue uniform. But, being the idiots that they are, they let him be. Cake stealthily snuck around behind all of the fuel tanks, not looking the least bit _in_conspicuous. He placed the C-whatever onto the power button for each. He was just finishing up doing this to the last one, when a guard spotted him placing it. Cake saw that '!' above the guy's head again, and it sent a shiver up his spine. He decided that because of the '!' above the guard's head, he deserved the more painful of executions Cake had available to him. He whipped out his RPG-7, and aimed, pointlessly, through the sights at the top.

"Lord, please, no!" The guard yelped, predicting the future. Cake grinned evilly at him.

"This'll teach you to display punctuation above your head in a satirical fashion!" He laughed, and, with that, he blew the guy to Kingdom Come, which was an actual place back then, before America nuked it… Anyway, after his little... 'interlude'… Cake got back to the last fuel tank. He started randomly molding the C-whatever-it-was into some kind of shape, and somehow ended up with a sort of butterfly shape. He chucked it up into the air, and caught it, looking incredibly cool in the process.

"Gotcha this time," he said smoothly, before realizing that as Marvellous G hadn't used the butterfly scene before, this made no sense.

"What the hell am I on about?" He asked himself, before getting back to work. Everything went into slow motion as he slammed the C-whatever onto the fuel tank. At the moment of impact, everything blew up around Cake.

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Marvellous G: Like the secret theatre reference? I'll try and update more often now, as it's finally getting to the climatic ending. Please, please review, and have a good weekend!

C3 Butterfly: I'd just like to say, I think the behavior toward us butterflies in this chapter was, and still is, appalling. We're gentle creatures, despite the fact that I'm blowing stuff up, and… :Please use your imagination to create the rest of this rant:


	34. Chapter 34 : FIGHT! FIGHT!

Marvellous G: Hey, all. Enjoy the chapter, and, Miri, where have you gone? Oh well, if you're reading, and to all reading, enjoy. And thanks to Rav, and, my most consistent reviewer, Topaz Talyn! Enjoy!

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**Chapter Thirty-Four: FIGHT! FIGHT!**

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As the entire world around Cake seemed to implode, he turned around to see what the hell was going on. What he saw frightened him. It was T3h L33t, charging towards him with an angry look on her face. He just about had time to stand up before she had him bundled over, with his own gun inexplicably pointing at his own forehead.

"Hey, Cake. Long time, no see, eh?" She said evilly. Cake growled angrily back, but t'was no use. Suddenly, she lunged at him again. The next thing our hero knew, he was out cold again…

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He woke up with a start, and saw Molting staring him down, with Tatanya in the background.

"Ahhh, Cake!" Molting laughed happily, clapping his hands. "Good to see you again, old chap. I'll now have to kill you!"

"WAIT!" Cake yelled, stopping Molting leaping on him with that one penetrating shout. "At least tell me what the hell's going on before I die!" Molting stopped to consider this, a frown crossing his face.

"Well, fine. That explosion earlier was a delayed reaction of the Ladder-Beast blowing up, and as it was such a great beast, the blast was, according to BBC News 24, felt up to a hundred miles away. And we're only ten miles away. So, there you are," Molting said simply, before drawing back his hand for a fatal punch.

"WAIT, STOP!" Cake screamed again. "Tell me about the Thinker's Will, that thing you mentioned while you were poking me."

"_Torturing _you, you mean," Molting corrected proudly.

"Whatever," Cake dismissed the statement by waving his hand away in Molting's general direction.

"Okay then, I'll tell you…" Molting declared, before the screen faded to black…

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"During the Second World War, the Allied Axis stored an immense wealth. It was introduced by the Thinker's Society, s they named it after them. The Society is an elite group of men who are seen fit to secretly run all of the country's financial and political aspects. Little do you know, they'll soon rule the world and you'll have a cloned son who hates them, but, moving swiftly on, they're powerful. Powerful enough to hide away a vast amount of cash without many people knowing. Now, I happen to have the disc that tells me where all of that dosh is, so I've basically got the Will. And that's what I've been financing my projects with. Now, I found your little friend here trying to steal it from me. I know that you two have been working together, so now I'll let you watch her die…"

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Cake recognized the woman on the floor in front of him from the chopper from the Well-Meaning Mission. As Molting reached down and pulled at her face, Cake let out a cry of despair.

"GASP! What are you doing to her?" Then he saw her face come off. He was all ready for a 'more gasp', but saved it as he saw the woman's actual face. It was Eva!

"MEGA GASP!" Cake yelped. Eva turned to look at him, regaining consciousness.

"Cake," she said, shaking her head pitifully. "I told you that I was posing as Tatanya ages ago. It shouldn't surprise you so much." Cake shrugged at this, and began to watch intently. Molting was giving her a good kicking, before he and Cat-Man (who had two SAAs pointing at Cake's head) got bored.

"T3h L33t!" Molting barked. "I'll leave you to dispose of her!" T3h L33t slouched up, typically 'enthusiastic' about her role, and picked Eva up off of the floor.

"Come with me," she 'whispered' loudly. Eva looked up at her sadly, but had a glimmer of hope as she saw that T3h L33t didn't care what happened to her. She got up excitedly, and made her way to wherever T3h L33t was going.

"Well, glad that that's over with," Molting said, sounding uncharacteristically bored. "Anyway," he continued. "You defeated the Ladder-Beast. You must be a good warrior. So you deserve to die in battle. LET US FIGHT!" He roared. Cake groaned as he felt the floor moving beneath him. It was gonna be another boss battle…

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Marvellous G: Hope you enjoyed this pre-boss mini-chapter! Sorry if the spacing is odd, my Word's gone crazy. Please review as always, and see ya' next time! Happy half terms if you're in them, and ciao!


	35. Chapter 35 : The Actual Fight, Fight!

Marvellous G: Well, it's been a while, eh? Seeing as the reviews are drying up I guess this story is dying, but I'm determined to finish it. Last time, Cake was about to fight Molting. This time, he actually does... On with the chapter!

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**Chapter Thirty-Five: The Actual Fight, Fight!**

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As T3h L33t and Eva walked away, the latter whooping for joy as she had just read the script, Molting turned to face the wall behind him.

"I will no randomly press some of these flashing buttons to make the floor go down. Are you scared?" He turned to leer at Cake.

"I don't even know what you're on about. I don't really care whether the floor goes down or not, let's just get this over with. Please," Cake added on the end, a touch of exhaustion creeping into his voice.

"Fine," Molting scowled, and began to, as he said, randomly press some flashing buttons. When he pressed a big metallic blue one that had the words, 'Press me and suffer an eternity of knowing I do something, but not quite being able to know exactly what! (evil laugh).' Clearly, this was a rather large button. And clearly, no mortal man can resist this kind of temptation. Molting pressed it, and he, Cake and Cat-Man all heard somebody yelp not a hundred meters away. Molting immediately rushed to where the sound had come from, which was behind a nearby crate. He came back a few seconds later, looking disappointed.

"I guess we'll never know exactly…" He said sadly. "That button does exactly what it says on the tin… button? No, it's tin." Cake and Cat-Man stared at him blankly.

"So, where was I?" Molting said with an unexpected cheeriness for somebody who had just found out that they'll never know exactly what a button does. "Ahhh, yes! I was pressing random buttons!" With this, he walked over to a different wall, and pressed a small red button that read 'Press to lower the floor' in teensy, _tiny_ letters. He pressed this one, and Cake felt himself sinking with the floor. Molting began stripping down to his 'battle wear'.

"Let's make this a battle to remember, Naked Cake!" He yelled happily, as his gloves caught a spark of Molting laser beam eyes and caught fire.

"AUGH! HOT! HOT! HOT!" Molting screamed, and blew the fire out. He licked his hands, and started taking off his gloves like a normal person would. "So, erm, let's have a good fight then, eh?" He said quietly, obviously in tremendous amounts of pain. He sucked his hand again before jumping down the hundred meters to the floor Cake was standing on.

"OW! _Dammit…_" Molting hissed upon landing, clutching his injured leg to his chest (somehow).

"Okay, just… Let the fight begin…" He said, fighting tears. Cake's vision zoomed in on Molting's face, before zooming out again. The screen began to white out…

"WWWAAAAIIT!" Cat-Man screamed.

"Cake," he said, doing his gesture thing at our hero. He then grabbed Cake's M1911A1 out of his pocket, and picked Cake's RCF knife off of the floor. Cake readied himself… Cat-Man tossed the weapons down, and everything went in to slow motion as Cake caught both of them perfectly (and impossibly).

"Okay, you can… Umm… Go now, I guess…" Cat-Man said, trailing off at the end. This time, the screen whited out for real…

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Cake immediately fired at Molting, who melted the bullets an a part of Cake's pistol with his heat vision.

"Mwu-ha-ha!" He cackled, thinking that this would be an easy fight.

"I'm gonna absolutely PWN J00, Cake!" He laughed, as Cake charged into him and got him on the floor.

"RAAAARGGGHHH-ZOOOOOOR!" Cake yelled, using T3h L33t's old battle cry. Cake pulled out a random AK he had found on the floor, and began pumping hot lead into Molting's back. He then started jumping on it, before, finally, placing some C4 on his back, running off, running back and shooting him in the face, running off again, and detonating the C4. After all of this, Molting was, quite understandably, knackered.

"Okay, okay… Time out…" Molting wheezed, making the 'T' with his hands. A moment later, he looked up at Cat-Man.

"Shoot 'im!" He ordered, gesturing with his head at Cake. Cat-Man stood firm.

"_Shoot_ him!" Molting ordered again.

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Molting." Cat-Man replied. Cake did a mental whoop inside his head.

"_What?_" Molting spat. "You refer to me as _Colonel_, Cat-Man!" Cat-Man paused, before pointing an accusatory finger at the villainous Molting.

"Fight like a man, albeit a man with heat vision, Molting!" Cat-Man yelled. Molting made a face as if to say, 'What the hell are you doing?' before realising that moralizing was a key part of any game. Except ones involving 50 Cent. Molting grinned up at our hero.

"So, Cake, you wanna go again?"

"I never wanted to stop, ya' wuss…" Cake said contemptuously. (It amuses me that Word's spelling suggestions for wuss are 'wasp', 'welk' and 'wiser'. Is welk actually a word, people?)

"Fine," Molting grunted, and they continued.

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Cake had a brainwave as soon as his vision had recovered after the second white out.

"I know," he thought aloud/stupidly (delete as appropriate). "I'll put on that Raikov mask I had for some reason, 'cause Molting's a queer and he loved the guy…" Molting didn't actually seem to register this, folks. Cake immediately proceeded to put his amazing (for him) plan into action. As soon as the mask was fully on, despite the fact Molting had seen Cake put it on, Molting's heart melted. With _love!_ Ahem…

"Ivan? Is that… you? Give us a kiss, darlin'!" Molting rushed at Cake.

"Yikes!" Cake screamed at a questionably high pitch, and fled from Molting. They continued like this for a few minutes, just running around in a circle chasing one another, until Cat-Man got bored. He reached for his SAA, and shot Molting in the head.

"There, you've won, now flee to Eva's closely awaiting arms and wait for the Stepping Doom to break out of here. Then flee for real."

"Huh?" Was Cake's startlingly intellectual and deep response to all of this.

"Look, just… _run_, before this place blows. And lose the mask," Cat-Man said bluntly.

"Cheers, dude," Cake said, giving a thumbs up to Cat-Man and peeling off his mask. And with that, he did what every bad agent would do in his position: run for his life.

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Marvellous G: I hope you enjoyed that chappie. Please review as always, and look forward to next chapter's semi-climatic chase scene. Byeee!


	36. Chapter 36 : Carol Singing, Cake Style!

Marvellous G: Well, sorry it's been so long, but my Wii's been keeping me busy (ugh...). But, as it's the first day of the Christmas holidays, I'm gonna do a carol singing chapter featuring Cake and the gang instead. Enjoy! And don't worry, updates'll be more regular from now on. I might even finish before Xmas!

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**Chapter Thirty-Six: Carol Singing, Cake Style!**

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Cake, Eva, Cat-Man, T3h L33t and Molting trudged along the dimly lit pavement, huddling together to keep out the particular brand of cold that this December night sported.

"So, what are we _actually_ going to sing?" Molting asked after a while.

"Well, what is your favourite Christmas song, Molty?" Cake asked happily.

"Well, I-" Molting began, before being cut off by our bumbling idiot of a hero.

"I _love_ Christmas!" Cake said loudly, suddenly stepping out from the group of huddled protagonists. He jumped into the street, and began screaming out his uplifting speech to the world.

"C'mon, everyone! It's our last night off before we go back to Russia, and Molting, it's your last day before I kill you!" He pointed at the Colonel, who stared blankly for a moment. He then turned away, sobbing. As Eva turned around to comfort him, Cake continued his speech.

"So, let's all sing together!" He yelled, irritating several of the people who lived in the houses nearby. "Let's sing…" He paused for a second, thinking of something seasonal and easy to parody. "Jingle Bells!" He burst out, and everybody immediately began grinning.

"Now a one, a two, a one! Two! Three! Four!"

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Cake: Dashing through the base,  
Eva: In a Ducati today,  
T3h L33t: Through the tedium we go…  
Molting: Cackling all the way!

Cake: My radi o rings,

Chute Doctor: Giving me a fright!

Molting: What fun it is to kill and maim!

Cat-Man: With my SAAs tonight!

All: Oh, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells!

Eva: Jingle all the way!

Molting: Oh what fun it is to run,

Cake: Rampant through your base!

All: Oh, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells!

Eva: Jingle all the way!

Molting: Oh what fun it is to run, (glowers at Cake)

Cake: (is scared of Molting) Very far away! (sobs)

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Once the group had found Cake again, they congratulated him on his idea to sing so freely.

"That was fun, I suppose…" T3h L33t said, typically bored. Molting, however, couldn't stop giggling.

"That was so… funny!" He laughed, like an irritating five year old schoolboy. As he was receiving glares, Eva cleared her throat.

"I'd like to lead the next song, please." Everybody looked around at her attentively. "Which I would like to be… Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree!" Everyone groaned, but readied themselves to sing as the paragraph change line thingy appeared in mid air…

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Cake: Stealthin' around the Christmas tree!

Eva: At Geeky Dorky's souvenir shop!

Molting: (cackles) Corpses hung everywhere you can see,

Cat-Man: They're good practice for my shots! (fires several rounds into a hanging corpse)

Cake: Stealthin' around the Christmas tree!

T3h L33t: Let the gunshots ricochet and ring!

Molting: Later I'll have some torture pie!

Cat-Man: And I'll wonder what's wrong with him! (points at Molting)

Cake: You will get a slightly nervous feeling, when you heeeeeeeaaaaaaar…

Eva: Footsteps right behind you… (sneaks up behind Molting, who screams)

Molting: Golly!

T3h L33t: (grinning evilly) Your pain makes me feel all jolly!

Cake: Stealthin' around the Christmas tree, have a happy holiday! (waves at readers)

Eva: Everyone sneaking merrily,

Molting: In the Stealth Cam Ou Flage way! (disappears)

Cake: You will get a slightly nervous feeling, when you heeeeeeeaaaaaaar…

Eva: Footsteps right behind you… (sneaks up behind Molting, who screams)

Molting: Golly!

T3h L33t: (grinning evilly) Your pain makes me feel all jolly!

Cake: Stealthin' around the Christmas tree, have a happy holiday! (waves at readers)

Eva: Everyone sneaking merrily,

Molting: In the Stealth Cam Ou Flage way! (disappears)

All: Merry Christmas!

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Marvellous G: Well, I know this chapter is a bit short, but, hey, who wants to be reading my rubbishy story when you've got Christmas shopping to do? Well, I really hope you enjoyed that. Please review as always (thanks to everyone who's stuck by this story, you've all kept me going) and that leaves but one more thing to be said, and I bet you can all guess what that is…

**MERRY CHRISTMAS!**


	37. Chapter 37 : Stepping Doom Sure Can Step

Marvellous G: Hello again, people! Sorry for the considerable hiatus, I have no excuse. I'm just lazy. And so much for finishing before Xmas, eh? Anyway, here's the continuation of Fight, Fight!

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**Chapter Thirty Seven: Stepping Doom Sure Can Step**

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Cake sprinted out of Gothy Chav as it imploded around him, spluttering as every poorly placed explosive went off near to him. He saw guards supporting each other as they desperately tried to escape, and felt sadistic. He ran up to one pair, and shot them in the knees.

"AUGH!" One cried, looking up at Cake with horror.

"Oh, sorry! Did I hurt you?" Cake said sarcastically, before cackling and kicking the guy in the face. But then he heard a familiar voice yelling at him.

"Cake! What are you doing?" Eva rushed up to the downed guards, and helped them up. "You're evil!" She half-screamed, half-laughed.

"Well, after all I've been through, aren't I allowed a small bit of evil?" Cake asked forlornly.

"Oh, I don't care, let's just get out of here," Eva said hurriedly, and the two set off towards her bike. As they sped off, they both heard an ominous rumbling sound comng from inside the doomed Gothy Chav.

"Someone had beans for lunch," Cake sniggered, before his expression changed to one of horror beyond comprehension. Eva turned around and gasped as she saw it too. Stepping Doom had punched a hole in Gothy Chav's wall, and who was now piloting it towards them? Yes, in a shcoking revelation, it was none other than Molting!

"How did it survive?" Cake asked, as Eva really put her foot down.

"Well, technically it was never alive, as it is an entirely man made machine and we are living in an era where living organisms cannot yet be manufactured..." Eva began, and rambled on for a while. By the time she was done, Cake had shot about fifty more guards in the knees while she wasn't looking.

"...so, in short, it survived because it was never really alive." Eva finished. "Now, where was I? AAARGH!"

"Now do you see how close it is?" Cake huffed, as the enormous nuclear tank performed a legal but unpleasant intimidating driving manoeuvre. Driving up their backside.

"I'm going to go through this conveniently positioned tunnel!" Eva roared above Steping Doom's noise. "It's too tall to go under!"

"But if it can't go under, won't it just go thr-" Cake began, as the Stepping Doom simply demolished the tunnel they were in. And to make things worse, both of our heroes had now noticed Cat-Man driving up behind them too, in his own slightly less fashionable Harley.

"CAKE!" He yelled.

"Yeah?" Cake said, spinning round before remembering he and Cat-Man were enemies again. "Umm, Eva?" He asked meekly.

"Yes, what Cake?" Eva said irritably, as she performed a series of evasive manoeuvres to avoid being squished by Stepping Doom and shot up by Cat-Man.

"I think Cat-Man's got a gun... Oh yeah, he definitely does, he's aiming it at you now. Oh, wait... DUCK!" Cake yelled, as Cat-Man confirmed Cake's suspicion and fired right where Eva's head... had been a second ago. Thanks to Cake's yell, she had managed to duck, but her head had hit the wheel as she did so. The bike spun out of control, and the Stepping Doom was unable to stop and keep pace with them. As it went shooting off into the distance, Cat-Man fired a few more times.

"I hate that guy..." Cake maoned.

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Eva and Cake were soon back, speeding towards the bridge, and their escape. They had managed to escape Cat-Man without being shot, thanks to some suppressing fire from Cake, but he was still hot on their... wheels! (Arf!) Anyway, bad puns aside, the two bikes were speeding along inside one of the many flaming Gothy Chav wings, as Cake saw yet another thing that was about to kill him.

"Rubble" He yelled, and Eva began to perform a sliding stop. Cat-Man attempted the same movement, but both bikes were going too fast to stop, but not fast enough to get under the falling ceiling in time... But, as all hope was seemingly lost, Cake finally displayed some evidence that he did, in fact, have a brain. He fired his RPG at the rubble, and he and Eva shot underneath it like a carrot being thrown like a really good shotputter. (late entry for best simile ever, that) Cat-Man hadn't seen Cake's cunning quick enough, however (or had just not believed his eyes: Cake wasn't clever in any way, shape or form) and skidded to a stop just beyond the rubble. As Eva and Cake sped off into the distance, Stepping Doom now back on their trail, Cat-Man dusted himself off after yet another defeat at the hands of Cake.

"DAMMIT!" He screamed, and kicked the bike. And stubbed his toe.

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Cake and Eva were on course to reach the bridge with enough time to spare to set off the C3 and kill Stepping Doom, but there was still the small problem of lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of GRU soldiers on bikes trying to kill them. Cake whipped out the ol' RPG again (which, inexplicably, had infinite ammo now) and got to work on some Russian ass. Several dead soldiers later, Stepping Doom was approaching fast, with Molting mowing down any unfortunate soldiers, ally or not, in his way.

Cake turned round and gave the nuclear tank the finger.

"Your mum is so fat... that she could have you!" He yelled, not realising that a) his insult was awful and b) tanks were made by production lines, not the humans. That said, this still made Molting angrier, and he stepped on whatever makes tanks go forward (anyone know? Pedals, like cars?) and zoomed, again, way past our heroes. This gave them time to drive over the bridge, and crouch into dramatic poses on the opposite end of it.

"Right, Cake, there are four spots of C3. Shoot them all, and we should get rid of Stepping Doom and Molting once and for all!"

"Okay, enough with the cheese..." Cake mumbled, unholstering his SVD sniper rifle. They waited for the considerable time it took for Stepping Doom to turn and get back to the bridge, and then readied themselves for action. As Cake placed his crosshairs over each C3 block perfectly, Eva somehow knew and yelled "Now!" The pair repeated this process four times, and Stepping Doom and Molting fell into the river, never to be seen again... Cake and Eva looked at each other, and immediately pulled each other into a passionate, heart-warming hug.

"We... did it..." Eva said, sounding shell-shocked and happy at the same time.

"We sure did," Cake said in his impossibly cool gravelly voice. Not wanting to ruin the moment for them, no passing evil Russian guards pointed out the enormous, Steping Doom-shaped sillhouette shooting up from the ruined bridge and landing behind them...

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Marvellous G: Man, it feels good to update again! I'll _try_ and update more regularly, although I can't promise anything. But rest assured, I _will_ finish this Fanfic! So, please review if you're still sticking with Cake Eater, and look forward to the next chap! Ciao!


	38. Chapter 38 : Molting, BBQ Style

Marvellous G: Hey again guys, I'm so sorry I haven't updated for so long. I'm not gonna promise anything anymore, except that I will finish this fanfic, whatever happens. So, please enjoy the chapter...

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**Chapter Thirty-Eight: Molting, BBQ Style**

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Eva pulled away from her embrace with Cake as she heard the **thud** from behind them.

"Err, Cake? You know what we said about us… doing it?" She asked nervously.

"Yeah, why?" Cake asked, oblivious to the large nuclear tank speeding towards his back.

"Well… We… didn't…" She said, staring at the ground.

"What do you mean we-" And then Cake turned around. He stood for a moment, looking at the enormous tank with a confused expression on his face. Confusion soon turned to realization, and then horror.

"Hang on, that's Stepping Doom!" Cake finally 'revealed'.

"Well done, Cake!" Eva yelled sarcastically, before shoving him over, millimeters away from Stepping Doom's tracks.

"Come on, Cake, get on the bike!" She roared, hopping into the driver's seat. Cake obeyed, skipping gleefully into the side car.

"Okay, for some reason, I seem to have a bag with no bottom, and it's filled with rockets!" Cake yelled, used to having infinite ammo in minute storage space (buy the EA Infinite Ammo, Infinite Comfort Bag, out now!) by now.

"So just… drive towards Stepping Dom, and I'll shoot stuff." Eva looked alarmed, before Cake qualified it with a "but not you!" And so, Molting abused Stepping Doom's inbuilt loudspeaker, yelling at our incompetent hero and heroine duo.

"HA HA HA, CAKE! YOU DIDN'T REALLY THINK A LITTLE WATER WOULD STOP ME, DID YOU?"

"Well, I obviously did, because otherwise I wouldn't have gone to all the trouble of-"

"SIIIIILLLEEEEENNCCCCEEEEEEE!" Molting roared, accidentally slipping onto the control panel, sending a random rocket flying across the sky.

"Ahem." Molting continued. "ANY-WAAAY, I AM NOW GOING TO CRUSH YOU BOTH! MWU-HA-HA! I'M GOING TO-" He was interrupted by a rocket to the front of his beautiful tank. Slightly stunned, he attempted to start where he had been interrupted.

"Okay, I AM GOING TO-" You can guess what happened next, right? And so the three titans entered into battle, with Cake and Eva a formidable team. Cake's rockets did, surprisingly, cause damage to the nuclear tank, causing Molting to jump out of it after about five minutes. He inhaled and exhaled deeply, before growling and standing upright.

"Very good, Cake!" He sighed evilly.

"Hey, what about me?" Eva demanded.

"Shush, you!" Cake hissed, glad to finally be getting some compliments.

"BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" Molting yelled over Cake and Eva's argument. He ripped the cables out of Stepping Doom's cockpit, and wrapped them around his arms.

"Don't try this at home, kids!" He growled, pointing at those of you readers who are under ten. All one of you. "And you, scientists, don't question what I'm about to do. Righhhhttt…." He sighed, before somehow becoming one with Stepping Doom, and controlling it. He charged it towards Cake and Eva, who split up.

"I'll distract him!" Eva yelled, before… _gesturing…_ at Molting and his tank. "GO!" She yelled at Cake, before being chased in an enormous circle around the battleground, about twenty times…

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Two hundred and eighty three rockets from Cake later, of which nine had hit their target; Molting seemed pretty… well, finished. He began to stand up, before coughing and falling down onto the 'roof' of Stepping Doom.

"I- I-" He spluttered, before it started raining. "Uh-oh…" Was all Molting could manage, before seven thunderbolts struck him, one after the other. As he was turned to dust by the final blow, the small pile of ash that was swept off of the top of Stepping Doom was all that remained of the electric Colonel. Poor guy.

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Marvellous G: Sorry for the ridiculously short length of this chapter, but I just wanted to let all you guys know that I actually intend to finish this. Thanks to all who have reviewed, but for all of those who have read and not reviewed, well… please do! It would mean so much to me if this story got over a hundred reviews by it's conclusion, so if you enjoyed my story, please, please review it. Thanks to all of those who have stuck by me through this, and what else is left to say, but… Nearly there!


	39. Chapter 39 : Highway to Hell

Marvellous G: Tum-te-tum. Sorry for the huge delay, but now I'm back. Please read and review as always, and enjoy...

**Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear or any of the characters, or anything like that. If I did, MGS4 would be coming to 360. Make it happen, Konami!**

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**Chapter Thirty-Nine: Hiiiigghhhway to Heeellll!**

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As Cake and Eva stared at the remains of their nemesis, they heard the low rumble of engines getting louder and louder.

"Cake, let's go!" Eva called, and they both ran over to her bike. Eva jumped onto it, and revved the engines, and Cake clumsily clambered into the sidecar.

"Can I drive?" Cake said suddenly, turning to face Eva.

"Umm, well, could we discuss this at a time when there is no risk of death whatsoever?" Eva replied impatiently, as she started up the engine and sped away, at the exact moment that several guards roared onto the remains of the battlefield, exclamation marks and the accompanying sound appearing as they saw our heroes.

"Let's get 'em, guys!" One yelled.

'_I'd better have infinite ammo again…'_ Cake thought, and tested this by firing seven RPG shots at their pursuers. Every time he fired a rocket, a new one appeared from a hole in the sky ripped straight out Crackdown's Keys to the City mode.

"Awesome!" Cake punched the air, but then withdrew his hand quickly as I smacked against a rocket flying out of the hole. After licking his wound, he turned to Eva in the sidecar, all the while casually picking off their assailants. Well, in his mind, at least. "So, where are we actually going?" He asked pleasantly. Eva took a second to respond as she was concentrating so hard on avoiding the inconveniently placed logs and obstacles.

"Ummm, you know that place where… ummm… T3h L33t was gonna meet us?" Cake stared blankly back at here.

"You know, that lake… Rokovog Berej!"

"Ohhh, yeah!" Cake smiled, and nodded, this obscure Russian name somehow meaning something to him.

"Well, yeah, we're going there," Eva said bluntly.

"Coolio," Cake chirped, and turned around to see men on the impossible flying platforms coming after them.

"How the hell do they work those things?" Cake yelled, exasperated. He was so jealous that he had no qualms in beginning to pick off all of the guards in their pursuit. He took out the M37 shotgun and, for a rare moment, actually used real bullets.

"Take that, you mofos! Yeah, eat it! How do you like them… bullets!" Cake had taken down one guard throughout this. But in the end they reached another area, and the flying platform guards crashed into trees. But, alas!, the motorbike guards, carried on their desperate pursuit. The next area continued in much the same fashion as the one previous to it, as Cake was actually mildly successful picking off some of his targets, and Eva drove the bike through every proverbial condition. Rain, wind, snow, fire nothing could stop the tag team. But then the radio came in. As there were less and less targets for them to worry about, Eva felt relaxed about her life lasting for another few hours, maybe, and so she turned on the as-of-then uninvented Virgin radio. Cake heard the announcer yell out the station name, and began to argue with Eva.

"No way, Virgin sucks! Go with XFM!" He leaned over and changed the channel, and began head-banging to some Arctic Monkeys.

"No, Virgin!" Eva yelled, and the two began to squabble (great word, that) over which station they listened to as they killed people and escaped death themselves. As Eva wasn't concentrating on the road at all, Cake took the time to look at the road ahead, and he just had time to yell the wisely chosen, "CRAP!" Before the two crashed into a flaming heap of metal and awesome music. And so it was, readers, that radio killed the videogame star.

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As Cake slowly opened his eyes, he heard that distinctive pulsing in his ear again. He answered to hear Chute-Doctor yelling into his ear.

"Cake! CAKE! CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" She then started sobbing, obviously not taking into account that Cake had answered the radio, and therefore he must be alive.

"Uh, yeah?" Cake asked, before being met with the fastest talking he had ever heard.

"_Omigodcakeyou'realiveit'samiraclepraisethelorddon'teatyellowsand!_"

"Um, what?"

"You're alive! I thought you were dead!"

"No, really?" Cake said sarcastically.

"YES!" She wailed. "Why didn't you call me as soon as you realised you weren't in hell?"

"WHAT?"

"Sorry, Heaven. So, why didn't you?"

"Umm, maybe it was to do with the fact that I was unconscious?"

"Fine, be that way," CD huffed. "Anyway, how is Eva?"

"ZOMG! She might be dead!" Cake wailed, and ran over to Eva's body. She was still breathing, but she had a giant twig sticking through her.

"Oooh, Eva got owned by nature!" Cake whispered to CD.

"Owch, that's gotta hurt!" CD sniggered back.

"Uh, Eva? Eeee-vvvaaaaa? Time to wake uuuuhhh-uuupp!" Eva opened her eyes very suddenly, making Cake scream in an effeminate, high-pitched, voice.

"You're alive!" he yelled happily.

"Barely," she muttered, and heaved herself up.

"Okay, shut up now," Cake said to her, and turned around, talking to CD, oblivious to Eva's outraged expression and naughty hand gestures.

"Okay, what should I do?" He asked CD.

"Well, Cake, treat your own wounds first, and only treat Eva's if you have enough supplies."

"Yeah, don't have to tell me that twice," Cake grinned, and began tending to himself. Eva made a noise that was halfway between a cough and a yelp, but when Cake didn't get the hint she decided she'd just have to hope he had enough stuff to help her. After five minutes they were both fixed up, and the branch had been yanked out of Eva's side.

"God," Eva said. "If I had a stamina bar, it would be goin' down now…" She glanced sideways at Cake. "If only I had some food…" Cake stared blankly for a second, mulling this over, before he said excitedly,

"Hey, Eva, do you want some food?"

"Oh, are you sure? Okay, fine…" And so our heroine munched on some instant noodles. The two made their way towards Rokovog Berej, encountering many guards, with whom Cake had had enough of, and so he simply walked into each new area and sprayed it with some real AK fire, not the jelly bean kind. Eva continued her 'trick' every few minutes, so by the time they reached Rokovog Berej, Cake was out of ammo and food, and Eva was nearly ready to sit in a plane and watch some RCF. They waded through the long grass, and walked into the final boss fight…

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Marvellous G: But, for the fight itself, you will have to wait. Thanks for everyone who's reviewed so far, please try and help me reach one hundred. And a notice is that I will not have internet for five weeks, but I will have the final chapter (maybe chapters?) ready for when I get back. So, please keep this fic on the first Metal Gear page, and enjoy. Goodbye for now, readers!


	40. Chapter 40 : Finishing the Fight

Marvellous G: Hey everyone, sorry not to have updated for so long, but my internet was down when I arrived home. But now it's fixed, and so into the final (maybe) chapter we go. Thanks to all who have reviewed so far, but please keep doing so and help us reach 100 reviews! Anyway, enough gushing, and on with the fight...

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**Chapter Forty: Finishing the Fight **

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Cake and Eva strolled into Rokovoj Bereg hand in hand, to see T3h L33t standing in the centre of the enormous flower-covered field, looking incredibly badass in a black cloak and sneaking suit. Eva looked at Cake, and the look in here eyes said to him, "Uh, good luck, but I'm taking off for this one." She ran towards the plane on the edge of the field, and began all of the necessary precautions needed for take off. Cake looked away from her to his mentor, his mother, his friend and his... well, it would be awesome if they were lovers here, folks, because I'd just have inadvertently made a nice little rhyme. But anyways, the two stared at each other for seemingly a lifetime, before T3h L33t got bored and decided to launch intoher life story.

"Cake,", she began, "I got radiation poisoning testing rockets, blah blah blah. You and I are alike, as you also got a life threatening dose of radiation on Bikini Atoll. But anyway-"

"How do you know that?" Cake butted in.

"Uh, wel, you told me..." T3h L33t said unconvincingly.

No I didn't..." Cake said, stroking his chin. "WAIT!" He exclaimed after a minute. "Kojima told you!" He pointed accusingly at her for effect.

"No, I just... knew. I knew Cake. See, we have developed a telepathic relationship after all of this time. I would never ask Kojima for help, because I am loyal. Loyal to you. Loyal to... the end. But now we must fight, becuase-"

"We do?" Cake asked incredulously.

"Well, yeah, Marvellous G already announced me as the final boss. And whoever wins will become the new T3h L33t. But before we fight, remember Cake, I was loyal. Now, show me what you've got!" T3h L33t yelled, and charged towards our hero. The fight of the Sixties was about to kick off. So, readers, get ready to RUUUUUUUUUMB-LEEEEEEEEEE!

/ ---- -- ------------ -------- ---- ------- /----- ------- ---- ----------/

The two sprinted towards each other, and the sickening crunch that came with impact was painful even to hear. Cake came off worse, and without his shotgun.

"WTF did you do that for?" Cake yelled, looking distressed as he examined the pieces of his M37 on the floor. He sniffled a bit, and looked close to tears.

"I'm really sorry, Cake," T3h L33t said genuinely, stepping towards our hero to give him a hug. "Come on, we'll go to the CIA and get you a new shotgun after the credits."

"O-Okay," Cake said quietly, nodding. He breathed in deeply, before tunring round to look at T3h L33t. "Anyway, where were we?"

"I was pwning you."

"oh... well, eat... THIS!" Cake roared unleashing an unstoppable flurry of RCF on T3h L33t's face.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She screamed as she struggled to escape from the range 'really close' to a safer distance. When both warriors realised that neither of them could defeat the other with the fighting technique they both made together, they adopted new strategies. Cake immediately paused the game, frustrating T3h L33t as she waited for him to change into Snow camo. After this was done, Cake sprinted off into the white petals, and ducked down. He was now, according to the evil of EA, 95 invisible. He took out his SVD sniper rifle, and shot T3h L33t in the head. She just yelled, and, inexplicably, carried on looking around for Cake.

"Oh yeah, Cake!" She called out. " I forgot to say, I have a son. He was born on the Battlefield (published by EA) and you have met him... and the father..."

"Uh, okay?" Cake called out, before cursing as he realised he'djust given away his position. With a cry of 'a-ha!' T3h L33t stormed towards him, and Cake yelped and jumped up. He shot her a few times, but she pulled out her Patrior machine gun that somehow had infinite ammo, and impossibly shot his bullets out of the air. By the time she reached him,Cake had adopted a RCF stance and was ready to fight T3h L33t, ready to take on his master, the pwninator, his mother and his comrade. This second would settle it all, who won, who lost, and who got the awesome title of T3h L33t. As she reached Cake, everything went into slow motion, and they both stretched out their arms and roared, going for the suckerpunch to the face. As fists connected with bones, the screen went white.

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Marvelous G: Ooh, I do so love to leave you hanging. ;) Okay, so the last chapter is to come. Please R&R, and I won't make any promises about the chapter this time, although it should go up soon. Okay, see you then, and buy Halo 3, and give me a free PS3 for MGS4. Ciao!


	41. Chapter 41 : Carol Singing 2 Point 0

Marvellous G: Hello all, and Merry Christmas! I am really really sorry for not updating for so long, but now I have decided to leave that nice cliffhanger from Chapter 40 still using up his stamina bar by holding onto that cliff. So, we're gonna have a Christmasy interlude! Please R&R, it would mean the world to me if I reached 100 reviews.

Chapter Experience may differ during online play.

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**Chapter Forty One : Carol Singing 2.0**

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Cake sat on the sofa with Eva, staring up at the Christmas tree. Molting sat on the floor, wishing he had hair to twirl around his gloved finger. T3h L33t and Cat-Man were playing Russian Roulette with some crackers, and everybody was thoroughly bored. Cake suddenly leapt up.

"HEY GUYS!" He screamed, making T3h L33t concede her cracker prize of a small, plastic, yellow lobster to Cat-Man.

"_What?"_ She said angrily.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUUUUUNNN???!!" Cake yelled, louder and more annoyingly.

"NO! JUST TELL US!" Molting roared, before wishing he had an Xbox to play Psychonauts on.

"Oh…" Cake said, looking thoroughly offended. "Well, I thought it might be fun to sing Christmas carols…" Everybody darted their heads around to face Cake, beaming.

"Yeah!" Cat-Man said. "When we went carolling last year it was a blast!"

"But what will we sing?" T3h L33t said, looking concerned. "We did the easiest to parody ones last time." Cake frowned at this, before smiling broadly.

"I might have an idea…"

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The five burst out of the Gothy Chav warehouse, and Cake munched on a ration with a picture of a reindeer on it. Eva looked at him quizzically.

"It'll give me enough stamina to dance the night away!" Cake said to her, before turning around to face the cameraman who had just appeared. "Gothy Chav rations – they're the best!" He then turned away, the cameraman disappeared, and all was back to normal. Eva looked completely and utterly bewildered, but just turned away shaking her head. Cat-Man jumped out of the huddle, and grinned madly.

"A one, a two, a one two three four!" He yelled. "Rudolf time!"

Cake: T3h L33t, the leetest traitor!

Molting: Had some awesome RCF throws!

T3h L33t: And if you ever saw them…

Eva: You'd look bored and say this blows…

Everyone looked at Eva angrily.

"Come on, this is fun!" Cake said.

"Whatever, I just think Marvellous G's song choices are a little obvious…"

"Shut up!" I yelled.

"Okay, let's try this one…" Cake said diplomatically. "Silent night!"

Cat-Man: Spying at night…

Molting: Molting at night…

Cake: There are no alarms…

Eva: The guards are out of sight…

T3h L33t: As you sneak around what will you find?

Cake: Maybe I'll seeeeeee T3h PH34R and lose my mind…

All: Sneak in heeeeaaaaaveeennnly peace…

Molting (very low): Sne-eak in heeaaaaavenly peace.

"That was awesome! Let's do another!" Molting giggled.

"Ooh! I've got one!" Eva yelled. "Frosty the snowman!"

Cake: TOG(that old guy)-gy the old man!

T3h L33t: Had a very sleepy face!

Eva: With his parrot pet, you sure can bet, that he'd shoot you in the nose!

Molting: TOG-gy the old man!

Cat-Man: Died a very silly way!

Cake: He said he'd give me his pension, but with apprehension I just hot him in the face!

"Ah, wasn't that nice guys?" Cake said happily. "Anyhoo, back to Russia." He turned to you, the reader. "Bye readers! And Merry Christmas!"

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Marvellous G: Merry Christmas indeed. Please R&R, sorry for the shortness, and I'll be back after my holiday! Ciao!


	42. Chapter 42 : And… Breathe

Marvellous G: Oooooh, we're nearing the end now. Ol' Cake has about one or two more chapters in him. I'll try and make them special, and can you all please review, as I now NEED to reach 100 reviews before I die otherwise my life is forfeit. Maybe. Anyway, thank you to Tony the Tall for reminding me to update. Enjoy!

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**Chapter Forty Two : And… Breathe.**

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The whitenss faded from the screen. Cake looked around, dazed and confused (thank you, Led Zep). He saw T3h L33t, lying on the ground, as countless white petals flew around into his peripheral vision, before swooping away out of sight again. He walked over to his mentor.

"Uhh, T3h L33t?" He whispered, leaning down to poke her. She opend one eye, and focused it on him.

"Hey, Cake." Cake jumped up in fright.

"Oh, you're fine. I won! Gimme my title!"

"Well, technically, I said last one alive wins-" Cake immediately pulled his gun on her.

"WAIT!" T3h L33t screamed. "I could maybe bend the rules."

"Okay, good," Cake said. "The whole pulling the gun thing was… you know…" He look ashamedly down at his feet.

"It's okay, Cake," T3h L33t said soothingly. "Although I think… I think you do have to kill me." She looked sad as soon as she said this, but she looked strangely confident at the same time.

"What, why?" Cake yelped. "Wait, you're a traitor to America! Okay, how do you want me to do it?" He said, showing his twisted sense of patriotism.

"Wait, Cake," T3h L33t said weakly, showing that the fight had taken a bigger toll on her than she was letting on. "I wasn't a traitor. I didn't defect. Cake, I was loyal… to the end…"

"You keep saying that, what does it mean?" Cake said, looking all bepuzzled.

"Ask your President when you collect your medals and stuff like that," T3H L33t said casually, seeing as she was about to die and was trying to persuade her would be killer that she was loyal to America. "Anyway, now that you know that I was loyal, shoot me…" T3h L33t said quickly, shielding her eyes.

"No, L33t-" Cake said sadly.

"Yes, Cake. You have to. It will complete my journey, my… quest. My ultimate mission. Do it with my gun."

"Can I keep it afterwards?" Cake asked eagerly.

"Cake, have some tact! I'm about to die, and you're asking if you can keep my gun! Be a gentleman!"

"Okay, sorry…" Cake said, looking down and at T3h L33t out of the corner of on eye.

"Fine, you can keep it," T3h L33t agreed, rolling her eyes. "Now, make it quick…" Cake pointed the gun at her, and looked away. Just as he was about to fire, T3h L33t stopped him again.

"Cake..." she said sadly. "Goodbye."

"Goodbye… L33t…" Cake said, tears welling up as if he was watching an Oprah episode. He stood there for a second. The world seemed to stop; the petals seemed to stop floating for a brief moment. He fired.

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Cake sprinted back towards the plane Eva was keeping safe, by the lake. He turned around to look at what would be T3h L33t's grave. He thought he saw a familiar face and an all-too familiar horse, but he dismissed it as a bad ration he'd eaten, rather than all of the mushrooms that didn't yet have properties researched that he'd been sampling during his mission. He climbed into the seat next to Eva, who was beaming at him.

"You actually won in a straight fight!" She whooped, unable to keep the surprise out of her voice.

"But did I win, Eva? Did I really? Or all we all just losers in this one big game, pawns in the chess game of life?" He looked at Eva sadly for a moment, before smiling. "I won!" He cheered, equally amazed in himself. Suddenly an alert sounded out of the plane's radio.

"Incoming Chinese MiGs!" Kojima screamed at his characters. "Get out of there before you cause another plothole!"

"Ahhh, the Japanese…" Cake said wistfully. Eva looked at him with a bemused expression for a second, before she turned to the plane's controls and started to guide it upwards.

"Right, how do we make this thing go fast-EEEEEERRRRRRR!" Eva screamed, as she found the thrusters. "We're going home!" She cheered, and even Cake managed to look like he understood the situation, and it made him happy. The smiles were soon wiped off of their faces, though, as the MiGs fired a rocket that narrowly missed. A second hit their wing.

"One more hit from them and we're going down!" Eva yelled above the noise of the engine. Suddenly a flashing red indicator appeared on their radar, reading 'enemy missile locked, suggest evasive manoeuvres'.

"THANKS FOR SAYING THAT EARLIER!" Eva screamed, fuelled by adrenaline, fear of death and Mountain Dew. 'Enemy missile firing in 5, 4, 3, 2…'

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Marvellous G: Maybe one last cliff-hanger for sirs and madams? I hope you enjoyed this chapter, despite it's relative brevity. Please, please, read and review, so we can get this up to 100 before it's close. Look for the finale (or will it be?) going up at some point when I get time, and I look forward to seeing you there! Which I won't do, unless I find some hole in space and time and look through my laptop screen and see all the people who read the chapter. Ahem. Anyway, until next time!

P.S: Also, how dedicated to Metal Gear am I? I got a PS3 for MGS4. (and maybe Uncharted)


	43. Chapter 43 : Dramatica Tension

Marvellous G: Oh hai

Marvellous G: Oh hai. I updated ur story. Finally. Okay, so maybe I take months just to get one chapter out, and it's not cause I'm busy, just because I'm lazy. But whatever, it's here now, and I think this will be the penultimate chapter. I at least wanna end on an even number. So, enjoy the second to last chapter of Metal Gear Solid 3: Cake Eater, peeps!

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**Chapter Forty-Three: Dramatical Tension**

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'5, 4, 3, 2…' Everything around Eva seemed to freeze. For suspiciously long.

"Wait, what the hell is going on?" She said, after four and a quarter minutes of nothing around her moving. Cake responded out of the corner of his mouth, still trying not to move. How the plane was just floating in midair was beyond (BEYOND!) Eva, but then again this was in a game with guys with bees as their minions and hundred year old master snipers outwitting youthful agents. But whatever, Cake responded out of the corner of his mouth.

"Nobody… is moving… so we can create…"

"What? Create what? Eva said.

"Dramatical… tension…"

"Cake, there's no such word as dramatical," Eva pwned Cake.

"Yes… there… is," Cake said quietly, saying every word slowly as though this 'dramatical tension' were a sleeping baby he was afraid of waking. Eva looked on, bored out of her mind.

"How long will this go on for?" She finally asked.

"As… long… as it takes…" Cake said stiffly. Eva looked out of the window. She saw the missiles that would hit them as soon as whoever the hell was talking said '1', and had an idea. She reached over and took Cake's gun. Cake made a grunting noise as if he objected to this, but was unable to do anything to stop her unless he was willing to sacrifice the atmosphere he was working so hard to build up. He wasn't going to let that go. Eva aimed out of the window and plugged the missiles full of lead… and jelly beans. As soon as the last one exploded, everything went back to normal, which was not good for Eva.

"HANDS ON THE WHEEL!" Cake screamed at her. As Eva scrambled to comply, she dropped his gun onto the floor and reached down to pick it up, before Cake stopped her with the loudest noise she'd ever heard emitted from a human being.

"HANDS! ON! THE! FRIGGIN'! WHEEEEEEEEEEL!" Eva calmly gripped her hands around said friggin' wheel, and looked at Cake with a curious expression on her face.

"Have you had some bad experience where somebody let go of a wheel before?" She asked, struggling not to laugh. Cake completely ignored the fact that she was not being serious and launched into an atypical Metal Gear Narrative™.

"It was 1944…" He began…

'_I was playing with my best friend, Oz Adari (hi Oz!), and my dad, the Indifference- _Wait, my dad's the Indifference?! _Anyway, we were playing in a toy car, and Oz was so small (sorry Oz) that he had to sit down on the pedals to make us go forward. I was driving, but I let go of the wheel for one second to make a fart sound with my armpit, and the next thing I knew, me and Oz were sent flying for no apparent reason, other than to scar me and eventually lead me to this monologue. But anyway, I was fine, but Oz lost both of his legs. In a toy car crash. I don't know what happened to him exactly, but I heard that they're cloning him, and making one clone stand on top of the other in some sick cyborg experiment they're calling 'Master Chief'. So yeah, that's why I have a strange complex about never taking hands off of wheels…'_

Eva looked at him for a few seconds, before responding with a strict voice.

"One: shouldn't the moral of that story be 'don't make fart noises with your armpit?' And two: In the Queen chapter, you and me were doing all sorts of theatricals with our arms and stuff while I was driving the motorbike, and you were fine then. WHAT GIVES, CAKE?!" She suddenly roared. Cake looked bemused, but responded with an even voice.

"Well, my almost obsessive love of Queen more than overpowers by bizarre childhood fear."

"O, kk." Eva responded in true MSN Style-ee. Suddenly, Cat-Man burst through the open door of the plane, and very nearly rolled out of the other side, a la the Secret Theater in Subsistence, fact fans, but was grabbed by Cake, who stopped him from falling to a humiliating albeit comical death.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" Eva yelled. "Now he's gonna kill us!" Cake shrugged, and Cat-Man straightened himself, and dusted off his pompous uniform.

"Okay, Cake, I'm going to magically produce two of my beloved Single Action Armies, and we're gonna have a true Western Stand Off type thingy. I have no reasoning for this, but it makes for the illusion of a multiple choice ending. So, here we go." As promised, two SAAs appeared on the floor as Cat-Man chanted strange words. "Okay, pick one up." A battle suddenly raged in Cake's 'Decision Making' section of his brain.

"GO FOR THE LEFT ONE!" Some inept employees of his mind yelled.

"GO RIGHT! RIGHT FTW!" Yelled others. Cake didn't know who to trust, so he simply closed his eyes and picked one at random.

"So, I see you picked the left one," Cat-Man said pointlessly. As he said this, a huge noise erupted inside Cake's head; a mixture of whoops of joy and cries of 'DAMMIT!' from those who were rooting for the right hand revolver.

"Okay, take ten paces towards the other end of the plane, and then when I say DRAW!" Cat-Man yelled this word for emphasis. Or because he was a crazy psychopath that enjoyed randomly raising his voice. "…then you go ahead and try to shoot me before I get you. Ready? Good, let's go."

And so, Cake found himself in yet another bizarre life or death situation, which had no reason for happening, and made no sense whatsoever, and needed something that Cake didn't have to get out of: skill in battle. Cake counted the ten paces, and tensed up. He didn't know how to fire revolvers without burning himself, or anything like that! That lecture he'd given Eva about the SAA was complete BS!

'Why oh why didn't I listen to BleCle?!' Cake wondered. As he thought this, he felt Cat-Man move slightly.

"Annnnddd…" He shouted. "DRAW!" Both of them fired.

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Marvellous G: Finally a mildly long chapter. And YES! 100 reviews! Thanks guys, this has certainly given me the confidence to maybe move onto another Metal Gear parody, or another story in general. There will probably be one more chapter, with probably another one following full of thank yous and stuff, so stay tuned for an update hopefully before GTAIV and MGS4, because once those arrive I have a feeling my free time will be lost to them. So, tune in next time, for another episode of…

**CAKE EATER!**

Dun-dun-duuuuuuun…


	44. Chapter 44 : The Last One

Marvellous G: Why hello there

Marvellous G: Why hello there. Sorry for the lack of updates, but with GTAIV and MGS4 (the latter of which is now my favourite game EVAR!), I haven't had much time to do anything else. So yeah, here we are at the final proper chapter. I might add another one with acknowledgements, so stay tuned for that, maybe. Anyway, please read and review to send this story off with a bang, and enjoy the final chapter!

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**Chapter Forty-Four: The Last One**

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Neither of them hit each other. Cat-Man and Cake were both so nervous that they hadn't had steady enough hands to hit each other, and they both knew the other had had the same problem.

"Uhhhh, they were blanks…" Cat-Man said slowly, and then let out a fake sounding laugh. "Yeah, they were blanks!" He walked over to Cake and put a (still unsteady) hand on his shoulder. "Oh, that was fun! See you around… Cake," he smiled, and turned towards the open door of the aircraft. As he stepped towards it, Cake shoved him hard in the back, and Cat-Man plunged down to the lake below, maybe to his death. Or maybe not? ONLY KOJIMA KNOWS! But he _did_ survive.

"Oooooh, _that _was fun!" Cake laughed, slapping his knee in the truly American way.

"So Eva," he continued, "you know in that parody of Metal Gear Solid 4 Marvellous G was considering doing (feedback, please-should I?) when Old Cake-"

"**SPOILERS!" **Eva screamed, wrapping her hands around her eyes, and she began to sing various combinations of the words 'la' and 'laa' to drown out Cake's ramblings. However, as she took her hands off of the wheel (do planes have wheels? Or what are they called? The 'controls'?) a cliff had reared it's ugly head, and was now forming into yet _another_ obstacle for our heroes to overcome, even after every section of gameplay had finished.

"Cake, HELP!" She called, and Cake stopped summarizing chapter eight, and rushed over.

"What?" He asked in an annoyed manner, as if he had been interrupted whilst doing something important. He remained oblivious of the cliff which now took up all of the visible space outside of the cockpit window.

"CLIFF!" Eva cried.

"Bleszinski? I love that guy!" Cake smiled. "Doesn't Gears of War 2 look awesome?"

Eva sighed, and simply moved the stick upwards by herself, allowing them to clear the cliff with ease.

"So much for Kojima's build up of tension and love between us as we pulled together to save each other's lives, our hands joined in a desperate battle against the Grim Reaper and his cold scythe…" Eva said sadly.

"Sorry, what did you say?" Cake asked. He had missed Eva's said reflections on Kojima's script-writing while he rambled on about Gears 2's flamethrower and Horde mode.

"Never mind…"

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Cake awoke with a start two days later, remembering only that he and Eva had had a lot to drink while a random jazz song played out of nowhere; there were no radios in the parody version of MGS3. He then realized that he wasn't wearing a shirt, but still hadn't picked up on the fact that Eva was no longer present. His mind jumped around, the clockwork grinding along until he came to his conclusion, which was the correct one, for a change.

"We made the sex!" He yelled happily, and then realized the second part of that 'we' was no longer here. In Eva's absence, however, was a tape recorder, with a tape in it. He pressed play.

"Hi Cake. It's me, Eva. There's a _whole load_ of crap to explain here, so you may want sit down, get yourself a cigarette, and have really vivid memories of last night that fit in with what I'm saying at the right time. Anyway, I'll begin." And so she explained to Cake how she and T3h L33t knew each other through the Patriot's charm school, and how T3h L33t hadn't killed her so she could relay her ultimate message to Cake. She told him how it was _her _who'd stolen the Philosopher's Legacy, but she didn't explain, because she didn't know, that Cat-Man had fooled them all, and made off with the real one to do as he pleased, as he triple and quadruple crossed almost every character in the series to bring the eventual events of the Big Shell in 45 years an almost pantomime level of plot twists. But anyway, she told him of T3h L33t's ultimate mission: she had given her life for her country. Now I'm sure everybody or anybody reading this has played and finished MGS3, and being my second favourite game of all time, I don't really want to parody the incredibly emotional ending, as I feel I would be doing the game a disservice. So, if you have the heart, make up your own parody of the ending to this story, but make sure it ends with this;

Cake walked up to the President, his beret making his head itch. His mind was wandering slightly, and he thought his mission over, to the tune of Queen's 'We Are The Champions', as he began the long walk into the President's office.

'I've used jelly beans,

To distract many guards,

I'd play on Extreme,

But I wimped out on Hard,

And bad mistakes,

I've made a few,

I've had supernatural people explode in my face,

But I've come through!

I am the champion, my friends,

And I'll eat wild animals,

'Till the end!

I am the champion,

I am the champion!

No time for overly long cutscenes,

'Cause I am the champion…

Until Solid Cake comes.'

Cake reached the President, his mind now back with him.

"You have surpassed even T3h L33t," El Presidente told out hero. "So I now award you the title, B1g L33t." He offered Cake his hand (not in marriage). Cake knelt down and kissed it, not knowing how he was meant to react here. The President looked surprised for a second, and then pointed and laughed at our hero in front of the press while Cake had his eyes fixed on the floor. Cake rose to stifled laughter, and began to walk out of the room. He was depressed. In the instant he had killed T3h L33t, he had killed a big part of himself. He began the long walk back to Kojima-knows-where, with none of Queen's greatest hits in his head this time. He saw Chute Doctor, Ble-Cle, and Major Nought, the first two of whom were smiling. Major Nought just stood there with that perpetually angry expression he always wore, but Cake could tell he was at least mildly happy, or at least impressed. Cake refused their handshakes and hugs. He made his way towards the nearby graveyard where T3h L33t had been buried. He walked towards her grave, and saluted, a thin layer of tears coating his vision now. Eva's last words on the tape echoed in his head;

"You see Cake, she was fake sounding but still affecting crying a _true patriot._"

Now hum the Metal Gear theme, and make that last part extra loud, readers.

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Marvellous G: So there we are readers, all done. I'm sorry I didn't do Eva's monologue, but I love that section too much to parody it. Anyway, a final acknowledgements chapter may follow tomorrow, but don't count on it. Actually, screw it, let's list them here:

My thanks go out to;

Everybody who has even clicked on this story, even moreso to people who have favourited it, but most of all to those who have reviewed it. Reviews really are the best way of knowing that people are really reading your story, and I really appreciate it whenever I get one. My thanks specifically to Topaz Talyn, CloudRox or Miri, my friend Rav, A.K.A Rav Owned You, and Max Hunter, and everboy else who has reviewed. It's you who have kept me going, however slowly. Anyway, thank you all for making this so fun to write, and tell me if you'd like to see an MGS4 parody from me. You'll definitely be seeing more from me on FanFiction though, whatever the form… Anyway, goodbyeeeeeeeee!


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